Past the Halfway Mark and Learning to Trust

My third treatment is in the books now, only three more chemo treatments left. We shared a room with a lady who was on her last treatment. I can almost see that view from my seat, being at the halfway point. My oncologist told me I don't complain enough. I asked Walt if that was true, and he agreed. (Sweet guy!) She wants me to call when I'm having sypmtons so we can discuss if they are serious enough to come in. It's hard because usually they come fast and are right before I'm scheduled to come in anyway. I have more scheduled appointments this week, which should help the follow up anyway. Today at my booster shot, the nurse took special care to take my vitals to check how I'm doing. I go back in for my second shot tomorrow, and then on Monday will get a liter of fluids to try to curb the dehydration and nausea. On Thusday, which is my nomally scheduled herceptin infusion, I'll also get some extra fluids as well. I also went home with a kit to use if I get diarrhea again so she can check to see if there's something more serious going on with my GI tract. My doctor is nothing if not thorough.

Tomorrow night Walt's mom arrives. I planned on organizing the closet in our office/spare bedroom to give her more room to store her things, but I've been more tired than usual today. It could be that I wasn't feeling 100% before my treatment, enduring a bout of diarrhea (I think food-related) on Tuesday night, and I worked hard on rehydrating on Wednesday. So, I didn't start at full recovery this time. Nathan's headed off to a boy scout weekend, but Walt was home to help him get all packed up. Becca's packing to go on a trip with some family friends, Sunday through Friday. I feel bad that she'll miss part of her grammy's visit, but it'll be my hard week and we won't be able to do much anyway. When she gets back on Friday I should be feeling better, so the time with Grammy might be a bit more fun then. I'm looking forward to her arrival tomorrow, whether the room is ready or not. I look forward to her company. Plus, food prep, cleanup and organization is difficult for me during this time, and having another pair of hands to help with this is a huge blessing.

I've been thinking a lot about trust, and being able to hear God's voice in the midst of the noise of the world. I read a story that DL Moody shared about two boys. He was with a friend who placed one of the two boys on top of a post, and with his arms crossed, he encouraged the boy to jump. The boy lunged off the post and fell safely into the man's arms. He then put the second boy on the post and asked him to jump. This boy struggled and couldn't work up the confidence to make the jump. Moody's friend finally reached up and lifted the boys to safety on the ground. Moody asked him what was the difference. His friend said the first boy was his own son, and the second boy was a stranger's son. The first boy had assurance of his father's ability and he acted on it. The second boy, even if he could consider the possibility that this man could catch him, failed to act on his belief.

I want to be like the first boy, recognizing my Father's voice and trusting in His ability to catch me, to direct me, to guide me in His perfect plan. That means that even when I hear of other stories or comments, I can block them out when I hear My Father's voice.

As of late, I've heard lots of stories, some hard to hear of brain metastasis after breast cancer recurrance, to good news from some in our church who beat the odds or are living healthy years after their jouney, of a lady in the grocery store who wasn't expected to live through chemo and is surviving a year later...lots of comments, lots of stories and lots of wondering. I went to bed a few nights ago and asked God, "Let me hear your voice tonight." I was drawn to Psalm 138: 7-8, which reads: "Though I walk in the midst of trouble (cancer), You preserve my life; You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes; with your right hand, you save me. The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever." I felt a sense of peace that those were the words God wanted me to dwell on, not on the voices of others who have their own specific journeys.

Last night as I went to bed, I read these words from the Message Bible on Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go. He's the one who will keep you on track."

Trusting. Listening for my Father's voice. Being willing to jump in His arms to safety. Being obedient. That's what I'm dwelling on as I trust Him to get me through these hard days ahead to my grace week.

Grace Week

Just got back from a long walk with Sugar. With VBS this week for our family (Ben's last year attending and Becca and Ben both helping out), I went on several  long walks with friends. Today, as I noticed Sugar's tongue closing in on the sidewalk as she panted her way home, I realized I was fairing better than she was. Granted I didn't pull and try to chase everything that moved, but we kept a pretty good pace for the hour we were gone. It always feels good to be at this point where I've earned back the conditioning that I lose during my hard week of chemo. Yesterday I got my weekly herceptin infusion, and my blood count is retuning to a more acceptable level. So far, I haven't caught Nathan's cold, either, so it's been a good few days!

Last night at a dinner Walt and I attended, I put a bit of salad on my plate. Salads are one of the things I miss eating. By the end of my last chemo cycle, I discovered I could eat raw vegetables again. The bitter taste was gone. So, last night, the salad looked so good that I thought I'd try it. It tasted as good as it looked. While everyone else went back for seconds on ribs, I went back and loaded my plate with salad! Today, though, I woke up with a very strong metal taste in my mouth, thanks to the herceptin, so I'll have to wait a few days before salads will taste good again.

Some people have asked me if I'm dreading my next treatment. I tell them that I'm really trying to focus on today and not think about that. I feel so good now that I try to fill in as much as I can in these days. I really like this verse in Matthew:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:8

Why add to the burden of today by borrowing trouble for tomorrow? What joy is lost because I'm not living today? I've been calling this my "grace week" as it is a gift to feel this good, and I don't plan on wasting that by worrrying about tomorrow. From now until next Thursday, I'll focus on the new foods I can eat (yeah!), the long walks I can enjoy, the laughs I can experience, and the simple knowlege that when I go to sleep tonight, I'm going to wake up feeling good. Sweet, pure, lovely grace.