Saturday

Yesterday my doctor called in a prescription for a potassium supplement. I was low in my last treatment cycle and tried to add more potassium-rich foods to my diet. That didn't work as well since I can't eat a lot of foods in general these days. So, besides continuing to add foods when I can, I need to swallow this big horse pill with food and lots of water. Some of the side effects, while rare, were scary so I waited for this morning to take the pill to be able to get to a doctor easier, if necessary. Fortunately, I was able to eat some food this morning and the ice water didn't taste so bad, so I got one of 14 pills down. One of the symptoms of low potassium is nausea, which is also one of the causes of it. Maybe, just maybe, this pill might help take the edge off the worst of the nausea.

For a Saturday after treatment, I'm feeling pretty good, relatively speaking. My muscles don't ache as much as they have been, which I think is a combination of rest and the added potassium. I'm still weak, but hopefully that will get better as I continue to recover from this cycle. Ben has pictures for soccer in about an hour and Becca is working at the barn. Later Ben has a soccer game, which I wish I go attend but will probably stay close to home today. I tend to feel worse as Saturday goes on, with my worst days Sunday and Monday. Then, as I start to feel bit better on Tuesday and Wednesday, I can start enjoying this last round of treatment!!! 

Starting October 8th, I have appointments set up for my next step. I'll see Dr. Hunter, my radiation oncologist who I first met when this journey began, on Monday afternoon. Then I have a followup with my surgeon on Tuesday afternoon. I have the day off on Wednesday (except for normal running around to our co-op and getting kids to practices and i-groups, etc.) and will be back in for Herceptin on Thursday morning. The following week, along with Herceptin, I'll have my first screening mammogram on Thursday the 18th. The last week of the month will begin my daily trips for radiation, but if all goes as planned, I'll be finished with that by mid-December. What a great Christmas present!

Last Chemo

On the one hand, it feels good to finished with the harsh chemo drugs, but on the other hand, I am not looking forward to fighting the side effects. I am already more tired than I remember being on Thursday, even with the steroids. As soon as I got home, I dozed on the couch. waking up when Walt and Ben came through to walk Sugar, then when they returned and Nathan got ready for soccer. Sometime in there, Becca returned from her horseback riding lesson. I was thankful for Walt and my friends Pam and Wendy who did all the running around today. I was too tired to contribute anything today. I can't imagine how  bad it'll be on Saturday, my first day without the steroids. I go in tomorrow for the g-shot to boost my white blood cells. I don't have to go in on Saturday this time as the doctor can give me my 2nd booster on Monday with my fluids and my third one on Thursday with more fluids and Herceptin. I'm also scheduled to go back in for fluids on Tuesday, which I can cancel if I feel better. Last time I felt better, but the extra fluids helped give me  a better Wednesday. Unless by some miracle I wake up with no nausea on Tuesday, I'll just plan on going in. Walt took Monday through Wednesday off from work next week so I don't have to coordinate rides to the hospital. I did have to coordinate  rides for my kids' co-op classes on Monday, but between a couple of my friends, I think I have their schedules covered. Ben's not crazy about the extra time he'll be at school on Monday, but I'm sure he'll get through it.

My blood work today revealed my white blood count was pretty good but my red blood count is low. This means I'm anemic and my hematcrit is below normal. Fortunately, it's high enough to not require a blood transfusion, so the prayer request is it recovers so that doesn't happen. Dr. Kohn explained that the side effect is manifesting in my sore muscles which are not receiving the oxygen they require. So instead of pushing through the pain during my walks, she wants me to ease up.  Since its my last round of chemo, I am not too worried about not walking as much as I have been. I am confident I'll recover soon and can get back to an exercise program. I've also had a headache the past few days, which is also a side effect to the anemia.. My plan is to rest often during the day and try to get a good night's sleep to help with the recovery.

I asked her about what happens next. I'm scheduled for a diagnostic mammogram on my left breast on the 18th, then I'll have a bilateral screening in April. In a couple of weeks when I recover from this cycle, I'll meet Dr. Hunter again, my radiation oncologist, to begin learning about my radiation treatments. I also need to fit in a followup with my surgeon, Dr. Clinch, which I'll try to schedule for that week as well. I asked her about scheduling a dental cleaning and she said  I could  do that a month out from recovery and gave me a prescription for an antibiotic  to prevent bacteria from entering my bloodstream. On my to-do list also is a followup with my naturopath who will recommend supplements to build up my immune system and strengthen my heart. Even though I'm winding down this part of my treatment, there are a lot of appointments and new things to coordinate. I'll try to make some calls tomorrow, but mostly I'll wait for the running around until after my hard week is over.

As I sat in my chair this morning, I read this verse from Deuteronomy 33:27:  The eternal God  is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will  drive out your enemy before you, saying "Destroy him!" 

I used these words to rest in wonderful peace in His everlasting arms, picturing Him using this last round of chemo drugs to destroy any remaining enemy cancer cells in my body. We don't know for sure what happened during this chemo. It's a tricky thing to trust the cancer drugs to destroy cells that can't be seen. When I asked about other screenings, to see if there was evidence of rogue cells present in my body, Dr. Kohn said there is no evidence that screening for the sake of screening will improve my prognosis. She said the best indicator will be things I notice and to call in for questions. Of course, we needed to discuss how to determine if it's a normal ache or pain that'll go away or if it might be more serious. I'm already praying for wisdom from God because I don't want to add undue stress on my day-to-day life, but I also want to be aware of things that might be happening in my body. For  someone who is used to being healthy and never before had to suffer anything serious like this, for someone with a high pain tolerance and a desire to not make unnecessary waves, I will rely fully on God giving me a nudge to check things out, as He did  when He wouldn't let me forget about the mammogram I needed to schedule which started this cancer journey. I'll need to develop a good balance between trusting God to guide my step and being aware of things that don't feel right. It'll be a good journey of walking closer to God because I am trusting in Him and His wisdom and not my own. A good place to be.

Now off to get some rest before we are up and headed out the door in traffic for my shot tomorrow.

Steroids

Today at lunch during our home school co-op, Nathan and his friend Jordan were discussing an article in the  World News Magazine about the use of steroids in baseball. I had to mention that I was on steroids today. Jordan looked a bit puzzled, and his mom added, "And when Mrs. Isler starts hitting tons of home runs during her baseball games, they'll start suspecting her of steroid use."

So funny! Steroids, I have to admit, are pretty cool. I have more energy than I've had during this whole chemo cycle. I think I took an extra Prilosec by mistake this morning, so my stomach is feeling pretty good, too. I don't have as much energy as I did the first couple of rounds where I did things like reorganize my closet or fridge or walk steep hills without tiring, on top of everything else I had going on during that pre-chemo day.  Today I had enough energy to get the kids to their co-op classes, work with Becca on her world history (very fun discussions!), help Ben and Nathan with math, make a trip to Target and the grocery store, grill hamburgers and salmon burgers for dinner, drive Becca to and from her youth group tonight, finish cleaning up the kitchen and washed the lettuce I bought at the store, and finally went through all the bills and mail. Today I also felt a sense of great power, perhaps a bit of euphoria, that all is well and  I can accomplish pretty much anything (through God's strength, of course), which is a great feeling heading into another round of chemo.

Now it's 11:40 and my body is wondering why I haven't crashed by 10, which is the norm during my chemo recovery. I'm wondering how to turn my brain off so I can get some sleep. This is the downside of steroids. I took a bath with lavender and Epsom salst and downed an Ativan which helps with insomnia. I'm also blogging, of course, which is one of my favorite things to do when I have the energy.

All I need now is a bit of sleep. Hopefully spending time in prayer and a bit of reading will help. Then it's on to the last chemo! I'll still be going in for weekly Herceptin infusions three more times, and then every three weeks for the rest of the year. While that is happening, I meet with my surgeon for a follow up, followed by 7 weeks of radiation. I am just now thinking through the next step, knowing that most of the hard part is over. Just one more week of feeling bad, followed by recovery that will only get better! Thanks again for all your prayers and support for me and my family during this time. It has been such a blessing!

Saturday

It's 8 a.m. on Saturday. I'm looking forward to watching Ben play soccer later this morning, Nathan is at a boy scout camping weekend, and Becca is heading to the barn to work with her beloved horses today. It's a normal Saturday, and I have grown to appreciate normal this year. For the most part, I feel well. My muscles have not fully recovered from this round of chemo, so my daily walks are a bit harder to accomplish. I've noticed a slight discoloration on my nails, and I'm hoping that one more round of chemo is not going to turn them black (one of the potential side effects). For now, I paint them with tree tea oil and hope.

As eager as I am to get through this final chemo round, I really don't want to do it. Last time my side effects were more pronounced, seemed to last longer. Since my body has endured five rounds of attacks, it's not as strong as before, despite my attempts at walking to build up endurance. In a nutshell, I'm tired. I know what to expect and it's not going to be fun.

This morning I reached for Jesus Calling devotional before getting out of bed. The words hit me upside the head, reminding me on where my focus needs to be. I have to share part of it:

TRUST ME AND REFUSE TO WORRY, for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks--or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes.  Because I am your Song, I can give you Joy as you work alongside Me.

Thank you, Sara Young, for reminding me (again!) to live today, to focus on today and not worry about what's coming. I will keep my hope and trust on  God today. As I started my post, today has plenty of blessings to fill me with joy. I only rob today when my mind goes to next Thursday. Despite the clouds blocking the sun, or maybe because of them, I will go out and enjoy this beautiful fall day because, today is the day the Lord has made!

Crazy Busy

It's not even 8:30 p.m. and I'm ready for bed. I'm so ready. The day started early at the dentist office with Becca. She was getting her teeth cleaned and having her braces put on. I dropped her off at 7:40 and then went back to get the boys for their cleanings at 9. Both boys finished before Becca. She had a long time in the chair. While the boys waited. they finished up their school for the day. Becca  was given the day off  from school, although she wouldn't consider it a vacation. Her mouth hurts. She can only bite down with two of her front teeth. She's eaten a chocolate shake, some pudding and applesauce. She tried chicken noodle soup but it was too hard to swallow anything but the broth. She just came in and said she was hungry. We brainstormed ideas of what she might be able to eat, and she left to try some refried beans. Both of us are tired of smoothies, but she might need to grow to like them again. It's going to be a tough few weeks for her until she can chew again.

After taking the kids to the dentist, I had an appointment with the eye doctor. Dr. Kohn, my oncologist, recommend I see Dr. Potampa, an opthamologist who has experience working with patients on chemo. Dr. Kohn was concerned that my tearing could be causing permanent scarring. So for the fourth time this week (twice for fluids and once for fluids and herceptin), I made the drive to Kirkland. My appointment was at 2:10, but they asked I arrive at 2 to finish registration. That took about 10 minutes and I was shown to a waiting room. It was appropriately called a waiting room as several of us sat and waited. More and more people came, some left briefly, but returned and soon there wasn't an empty chair. It seemed like everyone was coming but no one left. Most of the patients were older, and I enjoyed using my imagination picturing them as children, wondering what they were like as they grew. This and magazines entertained me for about an hour, but then I started getting restless. I'm not sure what was causing the backlog, but through all my numerous medical appointments in recent history, this has been the worst experience yet. On the walls of the waiting room are Top Doc awards from numerous magazines. After I mentioned that it seemed like everyone comes but no one leaves, a sweet lady next to me said that he was worth the wait. It's evident that he is a popular doctor, but this was beginning to be a bit ridiculous.

Finally, I was called in by a technician who asked about my history and gave me a preliminary eye exam. He wanted to dilate my eyes and check my prescription, but I told him I've already had a recent eye exam and was only interested in finding out about my tearing. I know I explained this on the phone, but there seemed to be a lack of communication somewhere. I expected to see the doctor for maybe  half an hour, and then have my diagnosis and be done. Instead, the tech ran a dry eye and pressure test, and then returned me to the waiting room. Unfortunately, I had to remove my contacts and I had forgotten my glasses. There were only two people left in the waiting when I returned. I couldn't see either of them. I thought of one of my favorite bible study and devotional authors, Jennifer Rothschild, who is blind. I imagined how hard it would be to go through life not being able to see faces. I read for awhile, something I can do easily without my contacts. As I continued to wait, all I could think about is how frustrated I was. Here I am, a week out of a chemo treatment, still feeling tired and a tad nauseous, and I'm wasting my time sitting in a waiting room, wondering why I agreed to do this. I've already spent at least 10 hours this week away from home on my medical appointments, not to mention the hours at the dentist this morning, and I hated twiddling my thumbs in this waiting room. Especially when I didn't know if it was going to be worth it.

I knew I needed to work through this frustration, so I reached into my purse for my ring of index cards with bible verses. I prayed through each one, asking God for patience, thanking Him for His presence, His love, His guidance.  Soon I was called back into another room, left alone, and waited. AGAIN!  I know, Lord, you like to use these for my good, but how much longer can this be? I called the boys who were at home and told them I was still at my appointment and since it was now 4 p.m., traffic would be bad going home. Finally, Dr. Potampa came in. I couldn't see him, since I still didn't have my contacts in. He told me about things that could be happening because of the effects of the chemo drugs. He looked into my eyes and found two things. I did have scarring that totally plugged up the tear ducts in both eyes, and I had a lot of mucus that also could be causing the tearing. He then numbed my eyes again, took a slim instrument and opened up the tear ducts. He shot saline through the new opening and it ran down the back of my throat and out my nose. At least the tear ducts worked! He then put in silicone drains to keep the tear ducts open, which will be removed in about three months. Last, he gave me a prescription for an antibiotic to clear out the mucus and prevent infection. As he was doing all this, he talked fondly about his years living in Wisconsin while in medical school. (How can you stay mad at someone who enjoyed living in Wisconsin?)  As I left the office, I realized it was a worthwhile appointment. I think his diagnosis and treatment was necessary. I just wished it didn't take me all afternoon to get to that point, especially when I was expecting an hour at most.

By the time I got home, I was more than exhausted. Nathan and I took Sugar on a quick loop in our neighborhood. I wanted to walk today, but that was the most I could manage. Then I cut up some potatoes for dinner. My last blood work indicated I was low on potassium, so the doctor wanted me to eat more bananas, potatoes with skins, and apricots. I need to pick up some apricots and Google other sources of potassium since I've already reached my limit of bananas for now, and I can eat only so many potatoes. While dinner was in the oven, I ran out to the drug store to fill my eye drop prescription. And waited for that.  When I feel like there's so much to get done these days, I feel like all I really do is wait.

Today has shown me again how hard this journey is for our whole family right now. It feels like we are running behind in everything, being tested in so many ways. Walt came home early yesterday to take a short break before running out again to coach Nathan's soccer team. During that time, he had to clean up a mess in the bathroom when the toilet overflowed. It was such a blessing that he was here for that, but his time intended for a quick breath evaporated in thin air. On Wednesday, I discovered that a container of sherbet was left in the car after a grocery trip and melted all over the back. We still haven't found time to do more than a preliminary cleaning of that.  I feel like as a family we're just getting by, just keeping our head above water, but it would only take one more thing to pull us under. So far, God has provided grace enough for us to get through each day. Perhaps that is the real blessing in all this, that we can't rely on own strength, that we can only get through this because we've totally given it all over to God. I'm praying that He'll give us all a breather soon, but until then, we are walking this crazy journey holding onto God as best we can..

Just A Quick Update

I went in for fluids today and my blood pressure was really low. After taking my vitals after a liter of fluids, my doctor suggested coming in again tomorrow. I think the cumulative side effects of the drugs make it harder to recover each time. So, tomorrow Walt is dropping me off at the hospital and my friend Wendy has offered to pick me up. This is such a busy time of year for so many of us that I feel bad asking anyone to add more to their plate. The good thing is I only have one more "bad Monday," tomorrow will be my second to the last "Tuesday..." Each day brings me one step closer to being finished with chemo.

Since today was our first day of our home school co-op, Walt took the kids to classes and my friend and neighbor Cindy made the journey with me down to the hospital. Because of bad traffic, complications with my vitals, and the time it took to pump the fluids into my system, Cindy had a full morning with me. I so appreciate her taking the time to help me. Even though I wasn't feeling very well, we still had great conversations about books, our faith and kids. It was such a blessing to have undivided time with her.

My fingers aren't working well right now. As I think I've mentioned before, one of the side effects of chemo is neuropathy, a numbness in my fingers. It could also happen in my toes, but I notice it in my fingers, especially my left hand. Typing is tricky, but I can still feel enough to make it work. The doctor is confident that it won't be permanent, but each time it may take longer to recover.

Jesus is Enough

Home from my second to the last chemo treatment. I'm starting to feel tired, but not nauseous.yet, thanks to anti-nausea meds through the IV. The best news is the result from my echo last week revealed that my heart hasn't shown any negative effect from the Herceptin. Praise God!! My doctor also thinks that since my neuropathy (numbness in my fingers) gets better with time, that the long term effects will be minimal, if any. She thinks the cumulative effect will take longer to get rid of, especially after the 6th treatment, but she doesn't think it will be permanent. If I could tolerate the glucosame supplement, then I might be able to decrease the symptons. Unfortunately, I can't eat anything it is put in during this hard time, so I guess I'll put up with the neuropathy for now.

Walt's off to watch Nathan's soccer scrimmage, then pick up Becca and her friend at horse... So good to have him home to do the running so I can rest for today.

In my devotional this morning, the author asked, "Is Jesus enough?"

It's good to know that even though I've lost my hair, Jesus is enough.
Even though my side effects put me under for a week or so, Jesus is enough.
When I miss out on events that mean a lot to me, Jesus is enough.
If my neuropathy gets worse or even becomes permanent, Jesus is enough.
Worst of all, if the cancer doesn't get cured, Jesus is enough. (Although my prognosis of being cured is excellent. I will trust God in all things.)

It's good to be reminded that Jesus doesn't have to do another thing for us here on earth. He has given himself for us in His death and resurrection, and because of this, we have everything we need to cope in this life and every promise for eternal life. Jesus is enough! I just need to remember this, and ask God to help me feel in my heart what I know in my head during these hard days ahead. Jesus is enough!!

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ. Philippians 3:7-8

Fall Schedules

*** I discovered this blog post that I wrote two years ago. I remember those days, those struggles, the closeness with God. Today, as I hover around the bathroom, I'm thankful for the lack of nausea. I'm thankful that my calendar will not include chemo trips and sadness over missing out because of the side effects. I've come along way since 2012, and for that, I feel blessed.****


As I was recording Nathan and Ben's soccer games in my calendar, turning to October, I realized that I'll be done with chemo by then! I'll probably miss a couple games in September because of the way they fall after my treatment, but I'll be able to make it to most of their games. I can't wait!

At my Herceptin infusion on Thursday, I met a lady named Linda, too. She was about 15-20 years older than I. We were chatting with the nurse, whose mom was also named Linda, about the popularity of that name during our growing up years. I mentioned how I always had to use my last initial during school because I had at least one other Linda in class every year. The nurse said her mom used her middle name mostly. I wonder if Linda will ever come around to be popular as a name again...

As I was talking with Linda, she mentioned that she didn't suffer from nausea after her chemo treatments. She is on the same treatment schedule as I am, the same drugs, but the only side effect she has experienced so far is fatigue and a little bit of GI discomfort. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the debilitating nausea, the food adversions, the need to force my body back into the hospital for fluids on Monday. Linda said Monday is her hardest day because she feels the most tired. She probably doesn't even realize how good she has it.

Even though I hate the side effects I've had to endure, I do appreciate the closeness I've felt with God during my hardest times. When I'm busy and life is good, God gets His allotted time in my schedule every day, but not much more. Now, when I can't sleep, I cherish the extra time to talk things over with Him.  It seems like every verse I read in the Bible is the exact verse I need for what I'm going through. I know He holds each of  my tears in His hands. He is there beside me as I suffer and celebrates with me as I recover. I don't feel strong enough to be called to this, but I think that's the place He wants me to be. He is strong enough and He has a purpose for this. And that's more than enough for me.

I've been thinking of this verse this week:

The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

I love the image of God rejoicing over me with singing!