Crazy Busy

It's not even 8:30 p.m. and I'm ready for bed. I'm so ready. The day started early at the dentist office with Becca. She was getting her teeth cleaned and having her braces put on. I dropped her off at 7:40 and then went back to get the boys for their cleanings at 9. Both boys finished before Becca. She had a long time in the chair. While the boys waited. they finished up their school for the day. Becca  was given the day off  from school, although she wouldn't consider it a vacation. Her mouth hurts. She can only bite down with two of her front teeth. She's eaten a chocolate shake, some pudding and applesauce. She tried chicken noodle soup but it was too hard to swallow anything but the broth. She just came in and said she was hungry. We brainstormed ideas of what she might be able to eat, and she left to try some refried beans. Both of us are tired of smoothies, but she might need to grow to like them again. It's going to be a tough few weeks for her until she can chew again.

After taking the kids to the dentist, I had an appointment with the eye doctor. Dr. Kohn, my oncologist, recommend I see Dr. Potampa, an opthamologist who has experience working with patients on chemo. Dr. Kohn was concerned that my tearing could be causing permanent scarring. So for the fourth time this week (twice for fluids and once for fluids and herceptin), I made the drive to Kirkland. My appointment was at 2:10, but they asked I arrive at 2 to finish registration. That took about 10 minutes and I was shown to a waiting room. It was appropriately called a waiting room as several of us sat and waited. More and more people came, some left briefly, but returned and soon there wasn't an empty chair. It seemed like everyone was coming but no one left. Most of the patients were older, and I enjoyed using my imagination picturing them as children, wondering what they were like as they grew. This and magazines entertained me for about an hour, but then I started getting restless. I'm not sure what was causing the backlog, but through all my numerous medical appointments in recent history, this has been the worst experience yet. On the walls of the waiting room are Top Doc awards from numerous magazines. After I mentioned that it seemed like everyone comes but no one leaves, a sweet lady next to me said that he was worth the wait. It's evident that he is a popular doctor, but this was beginning to be a bit ridiculous.

Finally, I was called in by a technician who asked about my history and gave me a preliminary eye exam. He wanted to dilate my eyes and check my prescription, but I told him I've already had a recent eye exam and was only interested in finding out about my tearing. I know I explained this on the phone, but there seemed to be a lack of communication somewhere. I expected to see the doctor for maybe  half an hour, and then have my diagnosis and be done. Instead, the tech ran a dry eye and pressure test, and then returned me to the waiting room. Unfortunately, I had to remove my contacts and I had forgotten my glasses. There were only two people left in the waiting when I returned. I couldn't see either of them. I thought of one of my favorite bible study and devotional authors, Jennifer Rothschild, who is blind. I imagined how hard it would be to go through life not being able to see faces. I read for awhile, something I can do easily without my contacts. As I continued to wait, all I could think about is how frustrated I was. Here I am, a week out of a chemo treatment, still feeling tired and a tad nauseous, and I'm wasting my time sitting in a waiting room, wondering why I agreed to do this. I've already spent at least 10 hours this week away from home on my medical appointments, not to mention the hours at the dentist this morning, and I hated twiddling my thumbs in this waiting room. Especially when I didn't know if it was going to be worth it.

I knew I needed to work through this frustration, so I reached into my purse for my ring of index cards with bible verses. I prayed through each one, asking God for patience, thanking Him for His presence, His love, His guidance.  Soon I was called back into another room, left alone, and waited. AGAIN!  I know, Lord, you like to use these for my good, but how much longer can this be? I called the boys who were at home and told them I was still at my appointment and since it was now 4 p.m., traffic would be bad going home. Finally, Dr. Potampa came in. I couldn't see him, since I still didn't have my contacts in. He told me about things that could be happening because of the effects of the chemo drugs. He looked into my eyes and found two things. I did have scarring that totally plugged up the tear ducts in both eyes, and I had a lot of mucus that also could be causing the tearing. He then numbed my eyes again, took a slim instrument and opened up the tear ducts. He shot saline through the new opening and it ran down the back of my throat and out my nose. At least the tear ducts worked! He then put in silicone drains to keep the tear ducts open, which will be removed in about three months. Last, he gave me a prescription for an antibiotic to clear out the mucus and prevent infection. As he was doing all this, he talked fondly about his years living in Wisconsin while in medical school. (How can you stay mad at someone who enjoyed living in Wisconsin?)  As I left the office, I realized it was a worthwhile appointment. I think his diagnosis and treatment was necessary. I just wished it didn't take me all afternoon to get to that point, especially when I was expecting an hour at most.

By the time I got home, I was more than exhausted. Nathan and I took Sugar on a quick loop in our neighborhood. I wanted to walk today, but that was the most I could manage. Then I cut up some potatoes for dinner. My last blood work indicated I was low on potassium, so the doctor wanted me to eat more bananas, potatoes with skins, and apricots. I need to pick up some apricots and Google other sources of potassium since I've already reached my limit of bananas for now, and I can eat only so many potatoes. While dinner was in the oven, I ran out to the drug store to fill my eye drop prescription. And waited for that.  When I feel like there's so much to get done these days, I feel like all I really do is wait.

Today has shown me again how hard this journey is for our whole family right now. It feels like we are running behind in everything, being tested in so many ways. Walt came home early yesterday to take a short break before running out again to coach Nathan's soccer team. During that time, he had to clean up a mess in the bathroom when the toilet overflowed. It was such a blessing that he was here for that, but his time intended for a quick breath evaporated in thin air. On Wednesday, I discovered that a container of sherbet was left in the car after a grocery trip and melted all over the back. We still haven't found time to do more than a preliminary cleaning of that.  I feel like as a family we're just getting by, just keeping our head above water, but it would only take one more thing to pull us under. So far, God has provided grace enough for us to get through each day. Perhaps that is the real blessing in all this, that we can't rely on own strength, that we can only get through this because we've totally given it all over to God. I'm praying that He'll give us all a breather soon, but until then, we are walking this crazy journey holding onto God as best we can..