I Passed!

At 9 a.m. this morning, I was in my oncologist's office, the first time with my curly hair. I was just in for a blood draw, and the vein in my right arm cooperated with the needle wielded by a professional blood taker, and before I knew it, my arm was wrapped up, minus several vials of blood.

Since it was a fasting blood test, I hadn't eaten anything since last night, but all I was in the mood for as I headed to mammography was a bottle of water. I saw my friend Pam briefly before getting called back to change into the warm robe. I waited through a cup of tea and another glass of water before finally being called back for the x-rays. Because of problems with my thyroid, I always ask for the thyroid guard. I did this on my own, based on a recommendation from someone on a breast cancer website, but last summer I asked my endocrinologist what he thought. He said it was a good idea to protect my thyroid from any radiation exposure I could. After being manipulated and squished by the 3-D imaging machine, I was asked to go wait again in the waiting room.

The minutes ticked slowly by. I prayed for others in the room, especially those who were waiting on results like me. I prayed for my friend Pam who had probably gotten her mammogram by now. Some new ladies came. Some of the others were called back and left. I still waited. The verse that kept repeating in my mind was, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,   I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

The Breast Center is not what I would call the valley of the shadow of death. The people there, from the receptionists, the assistants, the technicians and doctors are all amazing people. I always feel respected and cared for when I enter into the back waiting room. The shadow of death, though, is the cancer that might be lingering inside me. Cancer could mean death. Yet, I knew God was with me, every step of the way. I felt His presence. Every time I wondered if I should be worrying about the length of time that has passed, I reminded myself that God had my back, the peace I was feeling was what I was supposed to be feeling. Then the technicians called me back to take a few new films. She asked me if I had a port-a-cath. I told her I did. She thought that scar tissue from that had shown up on my film, but the doctor wanted to take some other angles on my right side and be sure. My right side is the good side. The cancer was in my left side.... I was pretty confident that it was scar tissue, so my blood pressure stayed normal as I submitted to more squeezing and breath holding.

Back to the waiting room I went. More time to pray. There was the cutest little boy of about 4 years old who came in with his mom. I loved watching him interact with his mom, trying not to be too obvious about it. She had gone in and come back, too. I prayed that she didn't have anything serious going on, but she looked so peaceful, flipping through a magazine and answering every question fired at her by her son. They were called back in and I was left alone to continue to pray.

Finally, the technician came back and said, even though it looks like it was scar tissue on the second films, the doctor wanted to be certain. She walked me down to ultrasound, where I waited again. A very nice ultrasound technician ushered me back to a room, where I lay on my back and she prepped the machine. I told her how I had started at 9 a.m. with a fasting blood test and I was getting a little hungry. It was now closing in on noon. She was so sympathetic of my wait, in fact she was sorry for my entire breast cancer journey, and she offered a coupon to pick up a free item at the coffee shop afterwards. As she pressed the wand on my skin, she remarked, "This looks like healthy tissue." When she was finished, she had to show everything to the doctor, but felt confident I would get the green light to go. She came back with the blue coupon for a free item at the deli and word that the doctor had passed me. I thanked her for her kindness, and she helped  me navigate the maze back to my clothes. On my way out, I treated myself to a vanilla latte, knowing I had some nuts and fruit stashed in my bag to nibble on during my errands on the way home.

This is my third screening mammogram since the diagnosis. I remember after the last two I couldn't hold back the tears when I got the good news. This time, while I was extremely relieved, I wasn't as emotional about the results. Perhaps I had more time to experience God's peace. Maybe I'm getting used to this process. Maybe I'm still waiting for the all-clear from my oncologist next week, after the results of the blood test for things like tumor markers. Maybe I just want to feel thankful and not tearful. When I texted some of my friends and posted the good news on Facebook, though, the heart-felt responses brought tears to my eyes. I guess it's still a big deal, even though I am getting better at it!

Foggy Inspiration

It's been so foggy lately that on our way to English co-op this morning, I found myself hoping that all the cars on the road had their lights on since I could not make out vehicle bodies, only the headlights. I think rain would have been easier to see through.

By the time I went for my walk this afternoon, the fog had burned off a bit, leaving behind a misty image, as if someone smudged out the edges of the trees and hills with an eraser. 

With my focus on what was near, it was fun to pick out interesting shapes, colors and objects as I walked around the neighborhood.

I saw this leaf....

 And this flower...

How easily it would have been to overlook these. With the fog, my eyes stayed open for the unexpected nearby. In my busyness, I often neglect the simple things, the unrushed moments because my eyes are focused on what I can do or need to do or hope never to do again...

Tomorrow is my blood draw and mammogram. I know people have been praying for me because for the most part, I've felt an amazing peace about it all week. I've prayed that I not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to God (Phil. 4:6). This afternoon, I started to let a squiggle of worry wind its way into my thoughts. On my walk, God used the yellow leaf and bright white daisy to remind me to stay in the moment, to appreciate all He has done and will do and is able to do. Not my pace, but God's pace. Listening to praise songs, being filled with His  presence, taking one step at a time. This is how I paced this journey from the beginning, and as I've felt better, I find myself getting a bit ahead of where God wants me to be sometimes. On the eve of an important screening, I know no better place than to be exactly where God wants me to be, thinking of Him and not the test, not the potential of what might show up in my blood or on my mammogram, but on God who is bigger than anything I will face.... Knowing, yes knowing, that God has everything under control.

The fog is supposed to stick around through the weekend. It will be just the reminder I need to keep my eyes focused on what is right before me, not looking out further than God would want my eyes to go.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Seeing God

I love the colors of fall. Often our skies are gray and our leaves our soggy this time of year. This afternoon, as I set out for my walk, I took a moment to take pictures. Today was one of those brilliant, fall days, just a note of coolness in the midst of vivid colors. It's amazing what you see when you take a moment to look.  

I think we can learn that about God, too. When I take a moment to look, I  see Him. I feel His presence. I know He is real. I don't want to rush through my days and miss Him.

We just got  finished watching the Seahawks game. Becca went to senior high youth group, but got home to celebrate the win. I love times when we are all together. Sugar misses Becca when she's gone. 

Last Saturday, Ben had the opportunity to sub for Nathan's soccer team. Because of guys out sick and other commitments, Nathan's team had only 10 players. Ben was sitting on the sidelines, having just finished his game. Since he still had on his uniform and cleats, the coach asked him if he would play the second half. With a bit of encouragement, Ben agreed. The picture below was taken right before the second half, with Nathan giving his brother a last minute word of advice as they went out to the field together. Together. That has such a nice sound to it! It was so much fun watching the boys play on the same field. Ben did amazing, playing with the older boys. Nathan couldn't have been prouder of his brother. I'm so glad I didn't miss it.

Last night I took Becca up to the high school to watch our friends play on the freshman football team. I could only stay for part of the first half because I needed to be home for a phone call.  At the time I left, the team was losing. When Becca came home, I asked her how badly they lost. She laughed and said, "They won!" Our friend had a big interception in the game. I wish I could have been there!

The reason I needed to be home was I agreed to take part in a research project put on by Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research. The study is called the Bravo Study, and it involved 1600 breast cancer survivors from the Seattle area and about 800 survivors from New Mexico. I was asked all kinds of questions related to my health, doctor visits, birth control use, smoking, drinking, family history, pregnancies... the interview lasted over an hour. It took most of my brain cells to remember my doctors from as far back as 1994, but with some digging on the internet and looking through medical records, I was able to recall their names. Some of the prescriptions I used, when I started and stopped, wasn't as clear, though. So many things happen in life, not to mention chemo and such, that I hope I recalled everything accurately. It was a nice trip through my memory, trying to pinpoint this doctor with how old my kids were at the time, or that doctor who prescribed birth control when I got married. At the end, I agreed to provide a test tube full of my saliva for them to use for DNA purposes. I also signed a bunch of forms, allowing them access to my records and tissue samples. As I was talking with the interviewer, I discovered that the hospital keeps all cancerous tumors on file. They will give out only so much of the tissue to ensure there will always be some tissue remaining. It is strange to think that my cancerous tumor is still around in some medical records somewhere. Hopefully something I said or something in my background or saliva will be a link in the long chain of scientific research on finding what caused my and so many others cancers.

This morning, during my devotional time, I read how often we try to find peace in things when it is found only in a Person. The Peace of God. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippines 4:7. Peace. Not worry. Not being anxious about anything. Not worrying about my upcoming doctor's appointment and mammogram.  Finding true peace, not in how I am feeling but in the truth of God. Making sure I don't miss God in my moments.

That's a summary of my thoughts for tonight. Football, fall colors, friends, brothers, hoping for a cure, and most of all, the Peace of God.