Hair and Shopping and Rain

You are probably wondering where I'm going with this title. It's my way of connecting a few random things into one blog post, I guess. On Friday, Ben got a hair cut. He thought it was too short and got sort of upset. I told him I didn't have any sympathy for his "short hair," not only because I think it looks fine, but more importantly, his short hair is longer than mine. In fact, I took off my hat and made him compare. He won't let me post a picture of his hair, so I'll be brave and post one of mine.

With Ben's hair, we can easily grab several inches of hair. Mine is still less than an inch but is growing thicker and longer every day.

Here's a picture of me and my new hat and scarf:

The first time I wore this, no one mentioned if they liked them or not. It's a bit different than what I usually wear, so I wondered if it worked or not. Yesterday I got several compliments from strangers. I think most of the people I see frequently are so used to me wearing hats that they don't notice them anymore. I'm still having fun with my hats, but now I'm going through a transition time. As my hair starts to come back, every day I wonder if I should put on the scarf, too. Most of  my regular hats are still a bit big on my head, so a scarf helps them stay in place. Plus, when it's cold, it gives me an extra layer of warmth. The scarf came in handy to cover the bald spots around my ears and neck, but now that I have a bit of hair coming back, it's not as necessary anymore. I still like wearing hats, which is a blessing since watching hair grow isn't one of my favorite spectator sports. 

Yesterday, Becca and I went shopping. She's fighting a cold and I usually don't enjoy shopping, so we had all the makings for a miserable afternoon. Instead, we had a blast. We were looking for a few things for our upcoming trip to Florida. We ran into some sales and Becca got a couple cute tops. I tried on a pair of jeans from the clearance rack. They didn't have the size I thought I wore, but for the fun of it, I tried one size smaller. As I pulled on the pants, expecting them to be too tight, I gloriously slid them on! I immediately knocked on Becca's dressing room door and told her to take a look. She tried not to roll her eyes as I did a little victory dance. The last time I was in this size was pre-kids, many years ago. It made my day! 

I mentioned to a friend of mine the other day how easy it has been to lose weight. Some might think it's the chemo, but most people actually gain weight on breast cancer chemo. I was one of the exceptions when I lost weight. Most of the weight I've lost, however, has been before and after the nausea-inducing chemo when I made an effort to eat healthfully. It hasn't been any one big thing that has helped me, but  lots of little things. I feel like I eat a lot, but most of my plate is filled with vegetables. I snack on fruit and nuts, although I do have a weakness for tortilla chips. Even with that I've enjoyed experimenting with the wide array of unique tortilla chips (quinoa and beans, etc.) and eat them with hummus or salsa. I have tried to be intentional about eating sweets. I avoid them as much as possible, but when I choose to eat dessert, I take a small piece and enjoy every bite.  

It's the same with my walks. My focus isn't to burn off calories, but to get my blood flowing, strengthen my heart, and work my muscles.  I don't give myself an out, no matter the weather or how I feel. It's so easy to take a long walk on a nice sunny day, especially when I have a friend along. On days like today when it's cold and rainy, it's a lot harder to make myself go. Today the boys were debating on whether they wanted to brave the rain to go work on baseball skills. We had planned to walk up to the high school together and then I would either walk the track or go off to get in my miles. We should have gone out earlier when the rain briefly stopped, but now, it was coming down in sheets. My window of daylight was growing small, so I headed out (with Sugar, who doesn't mind getting wet). Walt and the boys waited to see if they could catch another break in the rain or find some cover at a school. Once I got up the hill at the high school, the rain actually slowed to a drizzle. I then decided to add in a few neighborhoods to my loop. I thought I had escaped the rain when the clouds opened up again. We were on the way home, fortunately, so Sugar and I only got slightly drenched. We walked for over an hour, and now Sugar is napping on her bed by the fireplace. Even on days like today, I enjoy my walks. Today I actually jogged a little, but for the most part, I like walking.  Plus, with the hills around here, it's a pretty good workout. One thing I've learned, though, is exercise is easier to fit in to my days if it's something I enjoy. 

My last random thought for today, is about running my race with God. As I reviewed James for my bible study tomorrow, I was struck by how important it is for me to connect with God whether I feel like I need Him or not. Everything in my life, the good and the bad, is important to God. I like how Beth Moore writes, "We will run our race on one leg if we only engage with God in our suffering or sickness." Every detail of my day belongs to God since He is the author of my life. Because I like her words on this, I want to end my post with larger quote from the study: 

"If we are willing, God is our song when we are happy, our escape when we are tempted, our hope when we're despairing, our joy in tribulation, our strength in weakness, and our immortality in dying. Ultimately, He Himself is our health."   All I can say is, Amen!

Busy Day

I had two doctor's appointments today. My first one was the final follow up with Dr. Hunter, my radiation oncologist.  He was impressed at how quickly my skin has healed from radiation. Up until this cancer, that's been the norm in my life. I rarely got sick, but if I did, I healed quickly.  Now that an undetected lump smaller than an inch was the cancer that will forever change my life, my world as I know it seems a bit tilted. I hope that it's just a bump in the whole landscape of good health from now on, but of course, only God knows. Anyway, Dr. Hunter said he'd be happy to be a resource if I had any questions on anything going forward. He also invited me to stop in socially when I'm going in for an infusion, since radiation oncology is now just around the corner from infusion. Everything is so new on this side of the hospital. All the construction tape is down, and the hallways and offices are now open. It looks quite a bit different than when I was coming here just a month ago. When Dr. Hunter talked about coming by sometime to say hi, without specifically saying the words, however, we both knew we didn't want to meet up again for medical reasons. He reminded me of all the things I needed to continue to do (I'd be disappointed if he didn't!) to move my chances nearer to the 90% rate of no recurrence. Exercise, as he so often repeated, is one of those things that not only improve my chances of keeping cancer away, but it will also help my heart, my blood pressure, my brain, my joints--things that will benefit me long after I've survived this cancer. I can't lose with exercise, in other words. I'm a big believer in this.

Then I went to the other side of the hospital to meet with my surgeon, Dr. Clinch. He, too, commented on how well everything has healed. I was concerned about what I perceived as some lumps in my right breast (the other side), but after checking both sides carefully, he reassured me that everything was normal. These tiny lumps prior to all this wouldn't have concerned me a bit, wouldn't have even reached the beginning of my radar. But since my senses are heightened and I consider every twinge and bump, I was thankful for this appointment to talk it over with him. He asked when I had my last mammogram (October), and I mentioned I already scheduled my next one (April). The next time I'll see him is sometime in June or July when I get the word from Dr. Kohn that I'm ready to get rid of my port. I'm looking forward to that day so I can start swinging a golf club again. I appreciate Dr. Clinch, not only because he is always on time for his appointments, but he listens and does his job well. He even asked me about things that had nothing to do with the surgery, such as what was the hardest part for me with chemo and how I got through it.  

After my appointments, I had time to make a quick stop at Costco. The guy checking my receipt as I left told me it looks like I was pretty successful. I mentioned I only came in for a few things, but before I knew it, my cart was full. He said he usually spends more than he earns working there. (He looked like he was retired and working at Costco part time.) The kids were happy to see the food I brought home. Our cupboards were getting a little bare. I picked up a couple of athletic pants for the boys, but Ben's was too big. I guess I'll have to fit in another trip to Costco soon to exchange the pants and see what other goodies I can find.

The boys were finishing up the last of their school when I got home, and then we headed out again for their scheduled preseason baseball training. (Becca was at her weekly babysitting job.) Today they were working on fielding. The temperature was in the high 30s (baseball weather around here!) but soon the boys threw off their sweatshirts as they began to work up a sweat. I wasn't expecting to be outside, so since I only had a sweater, I was thankful for Nathan's sweatshirt when he didn't need it anymore.

We are fortunate to have such a top-notch training facility so close to where we live. This was their third session. Usually Ben and Nathan have a session to themselves, but the trainer they were scheduled to have was running late, so they combined with another boy. They matched up well, and on some of the drills, having one extra person before them gave my boys a welcomed breather.

As soon as we were finished here, we went back home so I could pick up Becca for her horseback riding lesson. Today was a make-up lesson from a couple of weeks ago when she was sick. I should have stayed so I could include a picture of her, too, but it was getting dark and I needed to get my walk in. Today was just a shorter, neighborhood walk, but Sugar was good company. Then I prepped some things for dinner and went back out to get Becca. Nathan also had his small group meeting tonight for youth group at church, but thankfully it wasn't my turn to drive carpool on that. When I got home from picking up Becca, I was just able to say goodbye to Nathan as he darted out the door. I got to stay home for the rest of the evening. Walt and I watched the latest episode of Downton Abbey after dinner, and now I'm finishing up this blog before going up to bed. It was a busy but a very good day.

Treatment Question

The most common question I get from people these days is: "Are you all done with treatment?" 

Many of you know that the answer is "sort of." Even though I have finished the harsh chemo treatments and radiation, I am still going in every three weeks for "chemo." 

Before I had cancer, I had a picture in my mind of chemotherapy as the cancer-fighting drugs that cause nausea, hair loss, low blood counts...you know, like the ones I had all summer into fall. Some chemo drugs, instead of killing all fast-growing cells, are more targeted with fewer side effects. Even though in my mind, my last chemo cycle "ended" at the beginning of October, I will be actually continuing chemo through June. Herceptin is a form of chemo. Since my first trip to the land of infusion on June 14th and 17 weeks after that, I went in for Herceptin every week. After I completed my six rounds of  chemo with Taxotere and Carboplatin, I continued receiving Hereptin, but instead of going in every week, I now go in every three weeks. I will be receiving Herceptin for an entire year. The end date will be sometime in June, roughly 16 additional rounds. Basically, when I'm done, I'll have undergone chemo for 52 weeks. Pretty impressive, huh?  It doesn't seem like chemo because my hair is growing back, my immune system is recovering, and over all, I'm feeling pretty good. Any side effect I've experienced on Herceptin is minor compared to the side effects of the other drugs. The one potentially serious concern is the possible effect to my heart. That's why I go in periodically for an echocardiogram to monitor my heart. So far, I haven't had any problem at all. My heart is performing just like it did before I started all this chemo. For that, I'm grateful to God for his hand of protection. 

It's been over a week since I started taking Tamoxifen. While some chemo drugs come in pill form, Tamoxifen is not considered chemo. It is an anti-hormone drug. I am still doing pretty well on this drug. In addition to some sleep problems, I've noticed a bit of joint pain, especially when bending down to reach something from a low cabinet. I'm hopeful that it will continue to be minor as I continue exercising. Plus, I understand the side effects are worse the first three weeks, so all this might be temporary. I'll just take it one day at a time, one pill at a time.

That's probably enough medical jargon for one blog! Or at least, for this week. I had a fun weekend. My sister Cindy came down on Saturday and put together a wonderful meal of grass-fed beef and roasted vegetables. Our house still smells wonderful! We took a long walk and had a chance to catch up. After church today, I took another long walk with my neighbor, Cindy. Walt took the boys to see The Hobbit, and I spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying the quiet.

So Far So Good

 For the one or two of you who might be wondering if I experienced any side effects on Tamoxifin, the answer for today is not really. I did have a hard time staying asleep last night, but I think that is from the Herceptin.  I'm just very grateful that I didn't wake up feeling nauseous at all. Some of the other side effects are more tolerable (i.e. hot flashes--which I'm already experiencing and can handle pretty well, especially during winter), but I really didn't want to wake up feeling sick every morning. It's hard enough getting out of bed as it is, and feeling nauseous makes it even harder. So, the good news is, while I slept in today, it wasn't because I was feeling sick. I just didn't get a good night's sleep and didn't have anyplace to go right away this morning. I went on an hour-long walk with my friend Tiffany this afternoon and had lots of energy to get some chores done around the house. I'll have to say that my first day of 1800+ isn't so bad.

 I love the section of James that I'm studying this week:

 ¹³ Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  James 4: 13-15


That's some good advice as I look at a drug that I'll be taking for the next five years. If it's the Lord's will that I take it for that long, I'll do that. If not, He'll have another plan. My focus is on each day, asking the Lord's will and being grateful that He's allowed me another day to live. And that's good enough for me!

Herceptin and Tamoxifin

Three weeks sure goes by fast. Today I went in for Herceptin. As you know, I go in every three weeks. My last time was December 21st. Back then, I was so excited because it was my last treatment before Christmas and we were leaving for Chelan the next day.

Today, I had to help the kids finish up a bit of school and last-minute packing before I left for the hospital. Becca and Nathan were getting ready to leave on our church's youth group retreat. They are roughing it this weekend, spending their time at Great Wolf Lodge with a bunch of other teenagers. Cindy, one of my neighbors, offered to drive them to the church to catch the bus while I was at my infusion. As I was flying out the door, I remembered to leave some spending money for them. Ben is having his good friend Matt for the weekend, so he doesn't mind too much not being old enough to go. 

Because we are on new insurance, I had to stop by Central Registration to give them the information. They weren't as busy as the first time I was here, but I still had to wait in line, which I hoped wasn't too long since I didn't have a lot of room to spare before my appointment. I actually make it right on time for my 11 a.m. appointment, but was told they were really backed up and the nurse would come get me as soon as possible. I settled into the waiting room, made a couple of phone calls, and about thirty minutes later, was escorted to my chair. 

Kris, one of the nurses I saw frequently this summer, took my vitals. Walt always got a kick out of her because she doesn't pull any punches. Once when I forgot to put numbing cream at my port site, I asked her if it was going to hurt bad. She looked at me and said, "It is a huge needle." Okay, point taken. (I haven't forgotten the cream after that and hope to not again!) Today, even though things were pretty crazy around her, she was pretty friendly. She noticed my hair growing in on the sides beneath my hat. I mentioned it was fun to see it come in, but it's not long enough to go without a hat yet. I don't feel comfortable going out with this short of hair, plus the weather was in the low thirties today, so my hats keep me warm.

My chemo appointments this summer and fall were early mornings on Thursday. Once I switched to once every three weeks and wasn't concerned anymore of the timing of side effects, I requested my appointments mid- to late morning on Fridays. It probably wouldn't take as long if I kept it earlier in the day on Thursday, but then I'd deal with a longer commute during rush hour and all the stress the extra traffic brings, so I'm going to keep with this same time frame. Plus, Fridays work better than the other weekdays to get away for an appointment. Looking at how crowded things were today, I think a lot of others find Fridays a good day for chemo, too.

Because of the dose-dense amount of Herceptin I get now that it's given every three weeks (instead of weekly while I was getting the other chemo drugs), I feel a bit of a headache and body aches on the day I receive it. Today is my first day of taking Tamoxifin, too. I've been researching side effects and wondering how I am going to react for three weeks now, since the day my oncologist gave me the prescription. I was a bit nervous as I swallowed it tonight. It'll be unclear which drug is causing what side effects tonight since both of them cause some soreness and tiredness. In the next day or so, I'll get a better feeling about how I'll deal with Tamoxifin. It's been about an hour so far, and I'm feeling pretty tired, but nothing else. I'm heading to bed soon. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up feeling well. 

Today I swallowed pill number one with (at least) 1825 more to go. That is, if I take it for five years. Once I go into menopause for two years, I might switch to a different drug, but I will take some kind of hormone-suppressing drug for the next five years. I will be considered "cured" if I don't have a recurrence during those five years. Becca will be 19, perhaps away at college? Nathan will be 17, almost 18, and Ben will be almost 16. Our life will be a lot different then. But, I won't think about the future too often. One thing I've taken from this experience is the importance of taking one day at a time and enjoying every day as much as possible. 

Before my computer runs out of battery, I'll end here. If you think of it, pray that I have minimal side effects with the Tamoxifin. It's an important drug in keeping cancer away, but I hope the side effects won't make it difficult to take. Thanks!

First Day Back

It's about 1:30 right now and I'm at home! So what, you are probably asking right now. Well, for seven weeks at this time, I would be entering the waiting room at the Radiation Oncology department instead of being at home. Even though it's been a few weeks since my last appointment, this is the first day back to our normal school schedule. For seven weeks on Monday, I'd drop the boys off at home after their classes with instructions on making sure they find something to eat as well as finish up any school subjects left to do. I'd dart out in my car to head to the hospital.

Today after finishing the co-op classes, we dropped off some books at the library before coming home. The boys decided on mac and cheese for lunch, which I offered to make (even though Ben's probably the most experienced in-house cook of mac and cheese.) I made sure they also had some carrots and cut up a pear for their lunch. I washed and chopped a handful of kale to add to a leftover mushroom and kale lasagna roll and popped it into the microwave for me. My typical Monday lunch used  to consist of a handful of nuts and some dried fruit or an apple as I drove.

Because Becca only has one class on Mondays, she went home with our friend Krista to do school at her house with her girls. This arrangement started when I began radiation. When Krista asked me if Becca was coming to her house today, I told her Becca would love that if she was up for it. It seems to work well for both Becca and her girls. For Becca, it makes her Mondays more fun and she usually gets a lot of school work done at their house, too.

So, now, it's just the boys and I. Nathan and I will have time to figure out an algebra problem that doesn't make sense to either of us, and I'll have time to work with Ben on his school as well. We were able to accomplish a lot while I was going through my treatments, but I've also seen where things were slipping through the cracks. It'll be nice to patch up those areas as we get back into routines. I'll still have doctor's appointments to navigate, but it won't be every day. It's nice to be home!

Greater Grace

He gives greater grace. 

James 4:6

I was reviewing this week's Bible study for the group I lead tomorrow, and I was struck at the significance of God's grace and how it applies to me right now. Even though I had plans of cleaning and getting other things done this morning, I felt led to pick up my computer and blog so I can process what I learned. 

The biggest battle I face right now is a creeping fear that the cancer will recur. All cancer patients go through it. It is especially prevalent when the hard work of surviving treatment is over. Questions linger, and I find myself wondering about God. I know He had a purpose for cancer in my life, and I've grown in ways I never could have without it. But, I wonder, does He plan to use it again or have I learned enough? If I do my part with exercise and diet, can I trust God to keep cancer away? Do I trust His plans, or am I leaning on the medical doctors and treatment more?

These are normal questions, but from my study today, I realize how easy Satan can use these questions to keep my eyes from God. Or at the worst, to question God and resist His presence, afraid that what He is going to ask me to do is too hard. The scary part is that when I resist God's presence, I draw near to Satan. In the study, Beth Moore writes, "Satan doesn't have to convince you and me to do his will for our life. He only has to tempt us to demand our own."

Ouch. I am convicted that my plans, my desires, my goals are not as important as God's plans, which will result in my ultimate good. God's grace comes when I fully submit to Him. God has something bigger for me than my mind can wrap itself around, something that will matter long after I'm gone. My prayer is that another bout with cancer is not in His plans, and I will continue to pray for that in my life. What's important for me to remember, though, is my prayer must also submit to God's will in my life, wherever and whatever that means. 

From the study this week, I've learned these things about God: 

• God is holy and worthy and incapable of abusing His divine authority over me.
•  He knows exactly how to work terrible into good. 
• He loves me completely and unconditionally and will never let me go.
• He knows the well-deliberated plan for my life and how all things must fall into place for me to fulfill my destiny.  (James Mercy Triumphs, by Beth Moore)

When I submit to a loving God, who already knows everything and is only out for my ultimate good (whether I understand it or not), then God's grace will lighten my burden. In fact, the more I submit to God, the more grace He gives. I want to focus on the truths of God and not the shifting sand of circumstances. I want to draw nearer to God as I resist my own plans (which I am now more aware of Satan's influence on those). When the fear trickles back (as I know it will), I want to go back to this list of who God is. And submit to Him. Anything less is not worth the sacrifice, is it?
 

January 2nd ramblings

With apologies to my sisters, nephew and  anyone else with a January birthday, I have come to the conclusion that I really don't like January. Yesterday I started taking down all the Christmas decorations. Today my goal is to finish. I just took a break from taking ornaments down from the tree. With a cup of green tea and the sounds of laughing kids in the background (who are procrastinating reading their literature homework with extra sessions of Wii Fit PE), I decided to write out my feelings with the hopes of getting the new year back on track.

Why do I dislike January? While it means the beginning of a shiny new year, it also means the end of Christmas season. For me this year, December was cut in half because the fatigue of radiation sent me to bed earlier each night. Now that I have recovered a lot of my energy, I am amazed at how well I got on with so little of it. Now I am forcing myself to head to bed so my mornings don't start too late, as opposed to wondering how early is too early to go to bed. Starting around 5 p.m., I wasn't much use for conversation or decisions. Last night I started putting decorations away around 9 p.m. While I didn't last much longer than 10, at least I was able to get a couple boxes packed.

I also am not looking forward to our schedule ramping up again. I love the nativity scenes, the special outings, Walt being home more, the get togethers,  the Hallmark movies, the Christmas cards, the days with nothing pressing to do, the extra time thinking about Jesus. Today when I get my mail, it'll probably be bills and junk mail greeting me, instead of the smiling faces of friends and family so far away. I already miss the feeling of anticipation and togetherness during December. I sure enjoyed sleeping in.  I am not looking forward to the ordinariness of a regular routine. I know I should be happy that my daily trips to the hospital have ended. It's nice, but it's also sort of lost in the emptiness of my mantle and the darkness where Christmas lights used to be.

As I am putting away the ornaments today, a sense of melancholy has filled my spirit. It seemed too short of a time ago that we were putting up the tree. I remember sitting in a chair, too tired to fully help out, but watching the kids interact as they put up the ornaments. "Mom, why do you keep these?" Becca asked, holding up one of the handmade ornaments from days gone by. "When I get my own tree, I'm going to have everything color-coordinated."

The kids grew disinterested quickly, and I had every intention of finishing up the tree the next day or so. It never happened, but the tree still looked beautiful to me. We didn't read a book during advent this year, either, which of all the things we didn't do for Christmas, it's the one I missed the most. Our purple candles weren't lit once this year, mostly because I headed to bed shortly after dinner. Next year, when we sit around the advent candles and read a story together, I will remember the year we didn't do it, the reasons we didn't, and be thankful for the time together once more.

Today as I pulled a handmade Christmas tree off the tree, I noted the name and the year on the back. I smiled as I remembered the little hands that globbed the glue and too-much glitter on the tree. Those little hands have grown steady and strong now. Many ornaments were never unwrapped this year, and it's obvious the kids just took out whatever was on top and then decided that was enough. I realized most of the ornaments on the tree were handmade. They are the biggest and easiest to pull out, but perhaps, the kids secretly enjoyed having them on the tree, too. When I head downstairs in a few minutes to put away the final ornaments  I'll take another stroll down memory lane, remembering not only the past few days of this Christmas, but the many Christmases before.

It's funny how my melancholy has switch suddenly to a spirit of thankfulness. How good it is to be thankful for the many blessings, and how easily this simple act can lift your spirit. I truly am thankful that I was able to spend this Christmas with the people I love the most. I am thankful that the kids were able to help out so much when I didn't have the energy. Next year, when I pull out the ornaments again, I know I'll think of this Christmas, feeling thankful that I have more energy to help decorate the tree and house. I know each year will come the saddest day, the day I take it all down again, leading into the saddest month, the month when life returns to normal again. But maybe starting this year, I will try to carry with me a bit of the feelings, the thankfulness, the memories, and mostly God's love, which covers everything during Christmas like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer. This will help give my spirit a boost as I start this new year. As we all know, we never know what turns and bumps life has to offer, so it's best to take it one day at a time and enjoy it to the fullest.

Now, it's off to finish undecorating, wrapped in the blanket of God's love, to be enjoyed each day of this new year.