Past the Halfway Mark and Learning to Trust

My third treatment is in the books now, only three more chemo treatments left. We shared a room with a lady who was on her last treatment. I can almost see that view from my seat, being at the halfway point. My oncologist told me I don't complain enough. I asked Walt if that was true, and he agreed. (Sweet guy!) She wants me to call when I'm having sypmtons so we can discuss if they are serious enough to come in. It's hard because usually they come fast and are right before I'm scheduled to come in anyway. I have more scheduled appointments this week, which should help the follow up anyway. Today at my booster shot, the nurse took special care to take my vitals to check how I'm doing. I go back in for my second shot tomorrow, and then on Monday will get a liter of fluids to try to curb the dehydration and nausea. On Thusday, which is my nomally scheduled herceptin infusion, I'll also get some extra fluids as well. I also went home with a kit to use if I get diarrhea again so she can check to see if there's something more serious going on with my GI tract. My doctor is nothing if not thorough.

Tomorrow night Walt's mom arrives. I planned on organizing the closet in our office/spare bedroom to give her more room to store her things, but I've been more tired than usual today. It could be that I wasn't feeling 100% before my treatment, enduring a bout of diarrhea (I think food-related) on Tuesday night, and I worked hard on rehydrating on Wednesday. So, I didn't start at full recovery this time. Nathan's headed off to a boy scout weekend, but Walt was home to help him get all packed up. Becca's packing to go on a trip with some family friends, Sunday through Friday. I feel bad that she'll miss part of her grammy's visit, but it'll be my hard week and we won't be able to do much anyway. When she gets back on Friday I should be feeling better, so the time with Grammy might be a bit more fun then. I'm looking forward to her arrival tomorrow, whether the room is ready or not. I look forward to her company. Plus, food prep, cleanup and organization is difficult for me during this time, and having another pair of hands to help with this is a huge blessing.

I've been thinking a lot about trust, and being able to hear God's voice in the midst of the noise of the world. I read a story that DL Moody shared about two boys. He was with a friend who placed one of the two boys on top of a post, and with his arms crossed, he encouraged the boy to jump. The boy lunged off the post and fell safely into the man's arms. He then put the second boy on the post and asked him to jump. This boy struggled and couldn't work up the confidence to make the jump. Moody's friend finally reached up and lifted the boys to safety on the ground. Moody asked him what was the difference. His friend said the first boy was his own son, and the second boy was a stranger's son. The first boy had assurance of his father's ability and he acted on it. The second boy, even if he could consider the possibility that this man could catch him, failed to act on his belief.

I want to be like the first boy, recognizing my Father's voice and trusting in His ability to catch me, to direct me, to guide me in His perfect plan. That means that even when I hear of other stories or comments, I can block them out when I hear My Father's voice.

As of late, I've heard lots of stories, some hard to hear of brain metastasis after breast cancer recurrance, to good news from some in our church who beat the odds or are living healthy years after their jouney, of a lady in the grocery store who wasn't expected to live through chemo and is surviving a year later...lots of comments, lots of stories and lots of wondering. I went to bed a few nights ago and asked God, "Let me hear your voice tonight." I was drawn to Psalm 138: 7-8, which reads: "Though I walk in the midst of trouble (cancer), You preserve my life; You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes; with your right hand, you save me. The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever." I felt a sense of peace that those were the words God wanted me to dwell on, not on the voices of others who have their own specific journeys.

Last night as I went to bed, I read these words from the Message Bible on Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go. He's the one who will keep you on track."

Trusting. Listening for my Father's voice. Being willing to jump in His arms to safety. Being obedient. That's what I'm dwelling on as I trust Him to get me through these hard days ahead to my grace week.

Grace Week

Just got back from a long walk with Sugar. With VBS this week for our family (Ben's last year attending and Becca and Ben both helping out), I went on several  long walks with friends. Today, as I noticed Sugar's tongue closing in on the sidewalk as she panted her way home, I realized I was fairing better than she was. Granted I didn't pull and try to chase everything that moved, but we kept a pretty good pace for the hour we were gone. It always feels good to be at this point where I've earned back the conditioning that I lose during my hard week of chemo. Yesterday I got my weekly herceptin infusion, and my blood count is retuning to a more acceptable level. So far, I haven't caught Nathan's cold, either, so it's been a good few days!

Last night at a dinner Walt and I attended, I put a bit of salad on my plate. Salads are one of the things I miss eating. By the end of my last chemo cycle, I discovered I could eat raw vegetables again. The bitter taste was gone. So, last night, the salad looked so good that I thought I'd try it. It tasted as good as it looked. While everyone else went back for seconds on ribs, I went back and loaded my plate with salad! Today, though, I woke up with a very strong metal taste in my mouth, thanks to the herceptin, so I'll have to wait a few days before salads will taste good again.

Some people have asked me if I'm dreading my next treatment. I tell them that I'm really trying to focus on today and not think about that. I feel so good now that I try to fill in as much as I can in these days. I really like this verse in Matthew:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:8

Why add to the burden of today by borrowing trouble for tomorrow? What joy is lost because I'm not living today? I've been calling this my "grace week" as it is a gift to feel this good, and I don't plan on wasting that by worrrying about tomorrow. From now until next Thursday, I'll focus on the new foods I can eat (yeah!), the long walks I can enjoy, the laughs I can experience, and the simple knowlege that when I go to sleep tonight, I'm going to wake up feeling good. Sweet, pure, lovely grace.

Nathan Has a Cold

This morning, Nathan woke up with a sore throat and runny nose. He stayed home from VBS, and we are trying to take extra precautions so I don't catch his sickness. I bought a package of masks at Rite Aid and new gloves, so I plan on going around disenfecting what I can. Mostly, we'll need to keep apart until he feels better. Please pray for quick healing for him and protection for me. With my immune system compromised now, it would be much harder for me to fight off this minor cold. Plus, I don't want any of my treatments to be delayed because I'm sick. Thanks for all your prayers. I know God is working through them and I'll share more of what I see when I have time.

Getting Back to Normal

Today, Monday, was the first day of VBS for our church, the first time since Ben was a baby that I didn't help out in any capacity. Instead, just like most of the moms, I signed Ben into his class (I can't believe he's a 5th grader this year), stayed to chat with a few friends and watch worship, and left. Okay, I have to admit, it was nice not having the pressure of planning for a class this year. Energy-wise, I probably could have done it as I'm starting to feel better. My main concern right now, however, is germs. I hope my white blood cell is starting to recover, but last Thursday it was really low. So all those amazing kids that were dropped off at the church this morning are really germ-carrying creatures that I need to avoid to prevent from getting sick. That's why I couldn't help with the fun this year.

Instead, I met my friend Sandra in Mill Creek and we walked the North Creek Trail behind the Towne Center. She ran into another mom from church at Starbucks who also joined us. The morning started cool, so I only put on sunscreen on my face, hands and calves. As sun came out, though, I started warming up in my jacket, but since my arms didn't have sunscreen, I chose to keep it on. The other day I put sunscreen on my hands, but missed a spot on a knuckle, and that one spot got burnt. I don't remember being in the sun very long either. My skin is so sensitive to the sun I  have to be careful, especially since I can't fight infections right now.

It felt so good to walk this morning, although I feel like I'm not as strong as I was at this point in my last cycle. I think the white blood booster shot and the soreness in my bones contributed to my slower recovery. Or it could be the accumulated effect of the drugs or my dehydration and the heat. Either way, I feel more wiped out at this point.  But, I was able to walk the whole trail (minus the loop we take around the park since I didn't want to overdo it), and then we stopped at Starbucks for some hydration and fuel. I don't like the taste of coffee (hot or cold) right now, but I tried one of their new Lime Refresher drinks. It was delicious! It's nice to have a drink I can have when I meet a friend at Starbucks, at least until I get tired of that.

Ben had a friend come home with him from VBS since Nathan and Becca scattered to other friend's houses. I was both tired and hungry for lunch by the time we left the church that I decided to treat them at our favorite hamburger/sandwich place on the way home. Unfortunately, it was closed on Monday. We settled on Subway instead. The boys decided on their sandwiches quickly, but after analyzing the menu, I decided not to risk it. I was worried about the ingredients. My doctor warned me against buffet-style food, and I wondered if a sandwich shop would also fit into this category. I think I can have deli meat heated up, but I didn't feel like having any of the meat. The veggie sandwich looked good, but then I had no idea if it would taste good to me. Even though I was starving, I decided to wait and figure out something to make at home. It's just another subtle way living with chemo changes the way I roll with life, being careful what I eat and how my food is prepared.

The rest of the afternoon flew by. I'd put in a load of laundry, and then take a break. Fold and  put away those clothes, and take another break. Around 2, I realized I was feeling slightly nauseous and realized I hadn't taken my anti-nausea pill today. The good news was I didn't need it until 2. The bad news was I still needed it. I'm hoping by tomorrow I can go the whole day without one, but I will take one if necessary.

Ben's friend went home, and we sat on the front porch for a while as he read me Hank the Cowdog. I love these stories and I love even more hearing Ben reading them to me. Then the neighbor boy came by to play some basketball with Ben, and he was off, enjoying his summer day as I am mine. Taking each day as it comes, trying to not think of tomorrow, finding joy and peace in the moment. God's mercies truly are new every morning.

Thursday

Today I went back in for my weekly Hercepton infusion. When I first saw my chemo schedule, I was discouraged at how many times I'd be going back to the hospital for shots and infusions. Today, I am thankful for the times I get to go back to check in with the nurses and my doctor. Yesterday, maybe because of the heat or some food aversion trigger, I got really sick. (This was less than an hour after I was just telling my friend Krista that I think I was turning a corner and feeling much better. Things change so quickly.)

Last night, I tried to drink as much as I could tolerate because of the vomiting, and this morning I seemed to be doing okay. I told Walt that I could drive myself to the infusion if he would just run Ben to his friends to play for the day. At the clinic, the nurse said my blood pressure was very low and my pulse was very high which meant I was very dehydrated. The nurses and doctor were being very sympathetic, which made me emotional. Every time one would ask how I was doing, I'd tear up. The fluids they pumped into me made me feel better immediately, including taking away the nausea. My oncologist is still trying to figure out a way for it to be better, and getting fluids a day or so earlier might be her plan. My white blood cell count was also low, so I had a booster shot for that. My one hour infusion took me three and a half hours this time. I was thankful I had a good book. I also shared a room with another lady getting chemo and her friend. From their conversation, I gathered they were both teachers. They had an easy camaraderie about them, and a couple of times I caught myself chuckling at their comments.  They didn't seem to mind my eves dropping. We had introduced ourselves at one point, and one of them said they heard I had food aversions, so if either one of them was talking about anything that would cause me discomfort, to let them know. I was touched by their thoughtfulness. It's not easy sharing close quarters with strangers, but they made the time go a bit quicker.

It's amazing how far a simple gesture or comment can go to lift someone's spirit. On Monday Walt and I were in a garden center when a lady gently touched my shoulder, and whispered, "I used to have a hairstyle like yours. When it grew back, it was curly and healthy." I looked into her twinkling eyes, and then saw her beautiful silver hair, thick and shiny.  It was a sweet encouragement that she took the time to connect with me.

Yesterday when my friend Krista came by to walk Sugar and clean out some food I couldn't bear to have around, she mentioned to her daughters that if they were to come with her, they couldn't make a mess. Her youngest answered, "I'd do anything to help out Mrs. Isler."

The sweet touch of a well spoken word. Now, I get to receive all this kindness. Maybe someday, I'll be able to share what I've learned with someone else. Until then, the journey continues....

Saturday

Today I went in for my second white cell booster shot. There was quite a lineup of us getting the shot by the time Walt and I arrived at 9 a.m. I guess the strategy will be for the next time is either get there 10 minutes early or 10 minutes later so there'll be less of a wait. I'm trying Claritin to see if that wards off some of the bone pain I experienced last time, as recommended by my oncologist. I like how she is really good at tweaking things to help me during this course. She, too, is wondering if the accupuncture I had on July 3rd will help with some of the nausea. So far, I think I'm feeling the same as I did the first round. I'm right on schedule taking my nausea meds, but it hit me bad Saturday night last time so I'll let you know. I do have another pill to add to my arsenal if I need more help, but this will make me drowsy so I'll time it after my daily walk or during a stretch I won't need to be driving, if I need it.

 I discovered that the glutimine supplement that should help build back my GI track from the chemo is best put in juice and chugged down. The smoothy last night didn't work and it definitely doesn't work in food, and so hopefully I'll think of different juices I can tolerate from my juicer or a carton for one more day. I think it helped last time to get my system back to normal after my bout of diarrhea, so I'll do my best to get the final 3 doses down.

Other than that, things are going well. The sun is out, have only one kid home right now since the boys are at a birthday sleepover and will be picked up in about an hour. Then Becca and Nathan have to pack for their weeklong camp, and since Ben will be bored without any siblings around, I'll figure out a fun schedule of going over to friends house to keep him busy during my hard week next week. Thanks again for your support and prayers. We love running this race with you all!

Hair Today...

I was going to say "Gone Tomorrow," except, it's gone today. Knowing I was going to lose my hair, I didn't have a game plan on how I was going to let it go. Some people schedule to have it shaved before it falls out. Others wait and let it fall out on its own. I didn't want to shave it early, so I thought I'd wait and see how I felt. Other than buying a scarf and a couple hats, I decide not to worry about it.

From what I've read and been told, I knew my hair would probably start falling out on day 14 after my first chemo treatment. That was last Thursday. Wednesday night I had a difficult time sleeping, wondering if I was going to wake up with a pool of hair on my pillow. Nothing happened in the morning, but by evening, a few strays were starting to come out. That night I decided to wear a hat to bed so I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning up the hair that might fall out. Not much fell out that night. My head started tingling more in the next couple of days with more coming out in my hand, but I put on a hat and decided to keep the hair as long as the bottom part of my head still looked good. Saturday night, the hair that came out filled half of a wastebasket in my bathroom. Even the bottom part of my hair was falling down into my shirt collar. I still looked okay with a hat, but my scalp was starting to hurt. I had difficulty finding a comfortable way to sleep.

Yesterday afternoon, with tears streaming down my face, I emailed my new friend Kris, the hairdresser, to see if she had any time to shave it off this week. With Wednesday being the 4th of July and my next treatment scheduled for Thursday, we had a window of Monday or Tuesday to see if our schedules matched. I prayed that God would direct the timing of getting it shaved. We both could do it today at 12:30 p.m.

Last night I went to bed, still not sure if I should or could go through with it. I asked God to give me peace and direction. My head was so sore that sleeping was hard last night. This morning, I started to see a bigger bald spot near my hairline. Anywhere I touched, I could grab a huge handful of hair, even though it was getting very thin by now. Plus hair was all over the floor, in my sink, on my clothes, falling into my eyes. I knew I had my clear answer from God.

I asked the boys if they wanted to join me, but they said they'd prefer staying home and playing the Wii. I think they were concerned I'd make them shave their heads, too. I actually think Kris would have talked them into it!

As I was driving across the Snohomish Valley to her house, I started crying. I asked God, "Why does this have to be so hard?"

Immediately I heard these words on the radio: "There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. There will be a day, when the burdens of this day will be no more. We'll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we'll hold onto You always..."

It is so like God to bring my eyes from the temporary to the eternal! And it gets better. In her end-of-the year voice concert, Becca sang a solo.  It was this exact Jeremy Camp song I heard on the radio! Here is the verse she sang:

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked  out all alone


Troubled soul, don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting


But I hold onto this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering. 

And then the song goes back to the chorus, "There will be a day with no more tears..."

I am blown away at how much God cares for me. I mean, it's hair. It'll grow back. But, He knew it was on my heart today, He felt my tears and how much I didn't want to do this, and He painted a picture of what my eyes can be focused on instead so it'll make it easier to let go of the weight of what I was trying to hold onto. I have to admit, I feel a huge burden has been lifted from me. I was struggling so hard with this decision, that now I feel free. Kris gave me a couple of hats to borrow, so I'm sporting a black, newsboy hat right now. I got home and the boys barely looked up from their game, except to show frustration about Ben's player dying. Becca called (she was at a friends) with a question, and I thought, so nice to be back to normal. My new normal. I know I'll be sick of hats as I'm quickly growing sick of thinking about cancer and treatments and side effects, but today I'm at peace. I think I cleared a big hurdle in this journey, and I have a better view of where my eyes should be.