December 28th musings

It's December 28th, the year rapidly coming to an end . When I sat at this point last year in 2011, I had no inkling to the events that would transpire in this year. All I knew was the assurance that God was my refuge and strength... I don't remember exactly what I felt on this day last year, but in a journal entry on Christmas morning, 2011, I praised God for coming to earth, so that I could see glimpses of His glory. "You became poor," I wrote, "so I could become rich." Not rich in monetary things, of course, but rich in love, blessings, family, hope.

Now a year later, I have seen more of God's glory, experience more of God's love, journeyed a difficult road, felt terrified, sick, tired, but never hopeless. I knew God was right there alongside me, every single step of the way. I have seen more of His glory.

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble.

² 

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

³ 

though its waters roar and foam

    and the mountains quake with their surging. 

Last year, I had no idea what 2012 had in store for me. Had I known, even a glimpse of it, I would have been paralyzed with fear. Yet, God walked me through each day, each moment, and gave me refuge and strength for each day. 

As I sit on the brink of another year, I have no idea what things are in store for me, for my family, my friends. I know we'll go through difficult times--what year is without that? I know we'll laugh and joke and live life. I know there will be tears and fears and pain. I also know, without a shadow of doubt, that God will provide our strength, our refuge, our ever-present help in trouble. And no matter what happens, we will see a bit more of His glory, a glimpse of heaven, and remember that this is not our home.

Before I end, I'll give a quick update on my health. I'm thankful that I've successfully navigated my first cold. I have a bit of stuffiness left, but nothing that a few days, some healthy food, exercise and rest will clear up. As I sniffled away the last couple of days, I was again reminded how God protected me from illness during my weakest moments, the times when an infection could have grown out of control. I am encouraged how well my body responded to this cold. I never thought of a cold as good before, but this one was. It's a sign that I'm actually getting better!

Merry Christmas

It's sort of ironic that this Christmas, which should have focused on celebrating health and end of hard treatments, was spent being sick and around sick people. Yet, having a normal cold, not having my fever spike, being able to get away for a few days--even though that's how we all got sick-- actually means I am getting back to normal. And it feels good.

Last night as I was sitting in church, surrounded by my sweet kids with Walt and his mom behind us, I thanked God that we were there. Ben wasn't feeling well, so he leaned his head on my shoulder as we sang Silent Night and listened to the sweet flute choir. At the end of the service, our new worship director sang a beautiful rendition of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. As the song ended, Ben looked up at me and asked, "Are those tear from your plugs or real tears?"

I smiled at his question and said, "Real tears, Ben." And I was proud of them, too! 

After the service, we went to Boston's for Christmas Eve dinner. They had a drawing and our table won the free dinners! We left our waitress a big tip and headed home to open up Christmas Eve  pajama presents. Ben seemed to feel a bit better after getting a little food in him, but Becca started feeling worse. This morning Nathan woke up with a sore throat and fever. Walt also has a low-grade fever and cough. My throat began to hurt this morning and by late afternoon I was feeling chilled. I took my temperature and it was 100 degrees. I forgot to ask Dr. Kohn if I was in danger of infection when I saw her on Thursday, but since she isn't running blood tests on me right now, I have to think that she believes my blood counts have improved. Nonetheless, having a fever can be worrisome, so Walt and I prayed that it wouldn't get any higher. I took Tylenol before dinner and other than a stuffy nose and feeling very tired, I am doing okay. I'm praying that it's a normal cold that I'll recover from in the next couple of days and can chalk it up to life as usual.

I switched my Friday doctor's appointment and Herceptin to Thursday so we could get away to Chelan for a few days. Although the clinic was extremely busy, they were able to squeeze me in. If I couldn't have made that switch, we wouldn't have gone. It was our family's first getaway since my cancer diagnosis in April. We met two other families there and had a blast. When we walked in on Friday, though, we were greeted by really sick people. I had thoughts of turning around or even isolating ourselves in the other condo away from the germs. Yet, smart or not, we wanted to enjoy hanging out with our friends, share meals and play games. I think it was worth it, but I'll let you know when this sickness runs its course through our family. Tomorrow I don't have anything to do, so I'll watch movies and read books. Sounds pretty fun actually.

Here's wishing you all a very merry Christmas!

My Last Radiation Treatment!

I lay on the table today, tears forming in my eyes as I thanked God for sustaining me through 35 radiation treatments and a simulation. I looked up at the stars painted on the ceiling and praised God. Just as He knows how many real stars are in the universe, He knows where any leftover cancer cells are in my body. I confidently prayed that He would either use these treatments or His own hand to take care of me. He has gently walked alongside me during these long months of diagnosis, biopsies, surgeries, chemo, and radiation. I still have several months of Herceptin infusions before me, but the hard part is over. And it's all finished before Christmas.

He determines the number of the stars

and calls them each by name.

Great is our Lord and mighty in power;

his understanding has no limit. (Psalm 147: 4-5)

Today, after my final radiation was administered, Janeth and Nicole let out a loud cheer. (I thought until today that Janeth's name was Janet.) They came in and presented me with a Certificate of Completion. It was signed by the technicians,  nurse, and Dr. Hunter. They all wrote nice little notes.  For instance, Nicole wrote: "Congratulations Linda! It was a pleasure to be part of your treatment team and to get to know you.  I wish you all the best and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Take care and God bless :-) Nicole." Nicole was amazing throughout my time here, sharing about her little boy or asking me questions about my life. I will miss seeing her and Janeth every day.

Dr. Hunter wrote: "Congratulations on the successful completion of your course of radiation therapy. I feel genuinely privileged to have participated in your care and wish you all the best! Warm regards, Michael Hunter, MD." I saw him for my last appointment during treatment last Wednesday, and I'll see him one more time in January for a follow up. As his writing revealed, he is an incredible doctor, and I've been privileged to be his patient. My treatment will now be passed back to Dr. Kohn, who will quarterback all my followups from this point forward.

Going back to the certificate, all the pictures included on the certificate were items Nicole and Janeth and I talked about during treatment. They knew I home schooled, so they included teacher pictures. I usually had a book with me, so there's a picture of a stack of books. In one conversation about bike riding, I mentioned riding in the STP (Seattle to Portland) bike ride. They put that on it. My favorite is the picture of women hanging out and drinking coffee, because now that my daily treatments are over, I might be able to squeeze in a chat with friends over coffee again. Nicole wanted to make sure I saw the words, "Good Job!!!" ;)  It is our little joke, of course, from the time she forgot to tell me I did a good job and they made up for it every day afterwards. I was touched by their thoughtfulness throughout my treatments, and this was frosting on the cake.

As I left, Janeth told me to take home a little tree. A former patient donated them for all the current patients. Here is it, nicely decorating my front porch.

Tomorrow I visit my ophthalmologist to get my tear duct plugs removed. Before that, I'm going to celebrate the end of this part of the journey with a few friends over brunch. On Wednesday, Walt's mom arrives for Christmas. Then on Thursday I see Dr. Kohn and receive my last Herceptin of this year.  They were able to move this appointment up a day so that my family could make an impromptu trip to Lake Chelan for a few days. We'll be back home on Christmas Eve because we don't want to miss our church's Christmas Eve service. It'll be busy between now and Friday, but I can't wait to be in Chelan and just relax. This will be the first get away for Walt and I since this all started, and I will savor every moment of it!

First Radiation Boost

Today went quicker than expected. I had prepared Nathan for the possibility that he could be in the study hall the whole hour after his last class. I had no idea how long today's appointment would take. Probably because I prepared for the worse, the appointment went quickly.

My early Christmas present was that I didn't need a final tattoo. Suffice it to say, a sticker works better in the particular area where a tattoo would have gone. Janet crudely drew an outline of Argentina on my skin, which is my new field of radiation. Dr. Hunter said that, as he's mentioned before, I'm probably cured, but if the cancer were to come back, it would most likely come back in the area where the original tumor was. So, the technician draws a field about three inches long around this site. While the original radiation used photon beams (x-rays) , this boost radiation uses electrons. The electrons allow for a more targeted, shallower range so less tissue is involved. On the drive home, Nathan explained to me what he learned from last year's physical science class on protons, neutrons and electrons. He would get such a kick out of seeing the radiation equipment and watching how they measure and run the machines.

Once everything was set up with exact measurements, I was drawn on a bit more and remeasured, and then Nicole took a film. This time I knew it happened only because of the sound of the machine. Then the treatment started. I knew the machine was running because of the buzzing sound, but I felt out of the loop. When I first started radiation, I was disappointed and a bit worried about having to use the breathing technique each time. Today I sort of missed it. Before I felt like I was participating in the treatment that was going to keep cancer away. Today I was more of a passive observer, letting the technicians communicate and run the machines without my involvement. Okay, the beautifully painted ceiling with twinkling stars was nice to enjoy as I lay on the table, I must admit. Since I only have eight more visits, I think I can handle hanging out under the stars and not worry about anything. Or I could work on my to-do lists in my head. Or think of scripture. Maybe sing some Christmas songs. Yup, I think it'll be just fine.

Only Nine More

Today was my last time I needed to hold my breath for treatment, so goodbye goggles, sensor box taped to my stomach, and films to verify that my  heart is out of the field of radiation. My techs have gone overboard in praising me each day when I'm finished (after they forgot one time). Today Nicole told me that was the last time I was going to be praised. She joked that she could tell me something like, "Good job not holding your breath." I answered that I'll just have to get my affirmations somewhere else.

 My understanding is tomorrow my doctor will mark the area where the tumor was and my remaining treatments will be targeted to this one area. I have no other details of how these final "boosts" will affect my skin, why it's needed or how treatment will go, so I'll let you know as I know.

Today as I was driving to the hospital, I thought of the lady I met on the day of my simulation who only had 10 treatments left. I remember her saying how quickly the weeks went, and I only half believed her. I can honestly say that this time has flown by. Maybe I'm secretly hoping time will slow down because when I'm finished, it'll be a week away from Christmas and I have way too much to do before that. On the other hand, I sure could use more time in my afternoon, so not driving into the hospital every day will help in that regard.

So far, I continue to fair well through radiation. My skin is sore, like a sunburn would be, but for most of the day it is hardly noticeable. My fatigue creeps up on me earlier each day. I feel like a two-year-old without an afternoon nap. I get grumpy and can't handle noise or too much activity. My mind has a hard time thinking clearly, similar to what happens if I stayed up way past my bedtime (even though it's only 8 or 9 pm).  I find myself retreating to the quiet of our bedroom. It beats getting angry at the kids or upset over things out of my control. I'm trying to stay up a little longer at night, though, so I can sleep more soundly when I do go to bed.

A bit of an update about my hair. I am getting a dark five o'clock shadow over my head. It looks like it's coming in dark, so maybe I won't be as gray as I feared. It's also covering my entire head, so hopefully any concern that the Taxotere will prevent my hair from coming back won't happen. My current hairstyle reminds me of Demi Moore's hair when she was in GI Jane, only a bit  shorter and lighter.

Unlike Walt's five o'clock shadow on his face, my hair is coming in really soft. Becca mentioned it's probably because it wasn't shaved. I think she's right. I can't wait to see what it'll look like when it's longer. It's hard waiting for hair, but I'm thankful that it will eventually grow back.

Final Radiation Stretch

I haven't written lately because fatigue has come knocking on my door again. Thanksgiving was the last energetic day I remember having. It was a wonderful time hanging out with friends and family. The next day Becca and I did brave the mall in our annual tradition of spending Black Friday together. I also had to make a trip to the hospital for treatment that day. When I returned, I took a nap, woke up long enough to eat dinner, and went back to bed and slept all night. Every day since then I've been feeling increasingly more tired.

This is par for the course as I round the bend for my final stretch of radiation treatments. People who haven't had chemo undergo fatigue, but those of us who have get hit much harder, according to my doctor. I was telling the nurse today that I don't have the energy to handle much these days. It sort of feels like my body is fighting off a cold--when in fact my body is working hard at healing and rebuilding healthy cells. Unlike the fatigue I had while I was undergoing chemo, this isn't totally debilitating. I can still do things. In fact, it's best if I am fairly active during the day (I'm keeping up with the walks and other exercise) so my sleep is more restorative at night. It's hard to balance doing enough with doing too much, though, because for the most part I am feeling well.  The kids have been great at recognizing that I can't do much after 7 at night, even if I'm still awake.

As another side effect, I now have a "sunburn" on my skin. It's pink and darker under my arms. I asked the nurse today if I should be increasing the number of times I put lotion on it, and she said that won't prevent it from getting red at this point. It's strictly a comfort level on my part, so if it is feeling sore or itchy, I should put lotion on for relief. My favorite is the pure Aloe Vera, but I also use an ointment called Magic Balm which is made of natural ingredients, like olive oil, organic comfrey and calendula. It was expensive, so I primarily use it right after treatment. The aloe is great for cooling off the skin.

I finished treatment number 22 today. According to my schedule, I only have four more whole-breast treatments. The remaining nine treatments are called boosts and will focus on the area where my tumor was. Because I won't need to hold my breath anymore,  I'm sure the treatments will be much simpler and quicker.

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Walt and I just got back from a walk on the trail behind the Mill Creek Towne Center. I haven't completed this walk since my 5th chemo, so it is fun today to feel so strong. I'm a bit stiff and sore, but otherwise feeling well.

I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. That Tiffany is cooking the turkey today cannot be appreciated enough! I am so thankful for her!

Since starting on this race, I have been able to see things from a different perspective. Before, I would be almost cavalier in thanking God for health. I've never had a health problem, not even a little one, before this. My kids and husband are healthy. It's easy to take such an important thing for granted.

Even though I am finishing up treatment to rid my body of any potential lingering cancer cells, I am still so grateful for my health. I was strong enough to get through chemo with minimal side effects. Even though the nausea was hard to deal with, it wasn't life threatening. Some people have needed to be hospitalized because of infection or some adverse reaction to the drugs. My heart is strong and not suffering any ill effects from the life-saving Herceptin that I receive. Advancements in technology make side effects of radiation minimal, and my body has been able to manage even those with minimal skin redness and soreness so far.

This scare has also made me more aware of the importance of nutrition and exercise, which will be a long term benefit even beyond cancer. I cannot take for granted the taste of icy cold water or warm tea or a latte, all things that tasted terrible while on chemo.  All food tastes wonderful to me these days, and I'm going to enjoy every mouthful of Thanksgiving dinner today.

I am thankful for the lessons to live in the moment, to enjoy today, to depend fully on God and trust Him through all circumstances, and to not worry about tomorrow. I am thankful for the time spent with God during this journey.

Last, and most definitely not least, I am thankful for my family and friends. Life is lived more abundantly when shared with such amazing people. Thanks to everyone who has touched my life in such incredible ways. I wouldn't have been able to see my blessings so clearly without going on this cancer journey, so yes, today I can say, I'm thankful for everything that I've gone through.

 Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Eve

Yesterday as I was lying on the table, measured and positioned exactly to the right specifications, my goggles on and arms above my head, I waited for the breathing instructions, “Go ahead and hold into the blue for a film.” Suddenly, I felt an urge to cough. I tried to suppress it, but it kept tickling. Maybe one cough will clear it out, I thought. One cough led to a second and a third. It was only getting worse. My techs came back into the room and offered me a drink of water and said I could sit up and take off the goggles, if I needed to. Sitting up, a couple of coughs and a drink of water cleared my throat. I lay back down and told them I was sorry as they began to measure everything again. They smiled and said they understood. Everyone I've met in the radiation oncology department has been amazing. I was able to make it through my five breath holds without another incident.

This rare coughing attack brought to mind how thankful I am that I haven’t suffered any serious illness while my immune system has been compromised. I haven’t even had a cold. I think yesterday’s cough was from dryness as I haven’t had any other symptoms. This time of year, I hear about so many people falling to a cold or the flu, and they have normal levels of white blood cells. 

Without a doubt, I know God is protecting me. I told Walt the other day that I feel like He’s placed a bubble around me during chemo and now during radiation. I have been a bit careless as of late, not washing my hands quite as much, even touching shopping carts without sanitizing them first. As much as I know God has my back, I also need to be smart and keep vigilant with my hand sanitizer. 

Today's appointment went without a coughing attack or any other problem. I just counted and I've finished 18! That's over halfway. Today the man who goes in right before me finished his last treatment. His wife always sits quietly in the waiting room, playing a game on her I-Phone. Today she chatted with me about her daughter and grandson. I am almost sorry they won't be around anymore. (Glad that they are finished with their treatment, though.) Another lady who works as a nurse in the hospital greeted me as she was leaving today with a quick, "I have only three more to go!" Good for her. It really goes quickly. I might even miss this experience when I'm done. 

I met with Dr. Hunter today and he called me a star. He said my films are excellent, that the techs and I are working together to use the breathing technique perfectly so that I shouldn't suffer any long term side effects. My skin is still holding up. I have noticed more fatigue creeping in every day. It's 8:30 p.m. and I can't wait to hit the sack. 

Becca's downstairs making Rainbow Jello for our feast tomorrow. She's making 12 layers, with time needed for each layer to set. I'm proud of her diligence.  I gave up. I'm tired. We are heading out to our friends, the Sanders, tomorrow.  I am thankful that Tiffany is roasting the turkey and making stuffing and mashed potatoes, baking pies...all the hard stuff. I went to Costco and picked up rolls and bread, some veggies, and a pie. All I have to do tomorrow is put things together, roast brussel sprouts (my new favorite veggie), and haul everything down the street to celebrate Thanksgiving. It's going to be a fun day!

Teeth, Hair and Rejoicing...

I had my first post-chemo trip to the dentist this week. I am thankful that my gums and teeth survived chemo. I had a fluoride treatment on them for extra protection as I continue to recover.

Ben played in a soccer tournament this past weekend. It was rainy and cold, but not nearly as cold as two years ago when Nathan played in the same tournament. He faced some stiff competition this weekend and was disappointed his team didn't do better. I am thankful that I got to be there, despite the cold and the rain.

I had a dream last night that my hair had grown back thick and dark, about 2-3 inches, long enough to wear without a hat. I had fun showing off my new hairstyle. The dream felt so real that the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to check on my hair. Still thin and fluffy.  I couldn't help being a bit disappointed. I have no idea how long it's going to take to grow. I don't have any bald spots, but the hair is very light, like baby's hair.

As I often do when I have a question, I did a search on Google to get a ballpark on when I can expect to see real hair on my head, not this peach fuzz. Of course, the answer is everyone's hair grows at different speeds, and it depends on where I was in my hair growth cycle, because I guess hair grows in cycles. I saw a Youtube video documenting one person's experience as her hair grew back,  which was pretty interesting.  I think I should expect at least four to five months.

Then I discovered that with Taxotere, some people never regrow hair, or if they do, it's very thin...

What? Is that true? I hadn't heard about the potential of not growing back hair.  It must be rare as my doctor is very thorough on giving me all the side effects. I looked again and discovered about 6%... that seems pretty high. Um...

However, as most things in this journey, I cannot worry about things in the future. I will pray that I grow my hair back and trust God fully. I have a good start of peach fuzz since I never fully lost all my hair, so I'll just hope for more thickness and growth. And mostly, to be patient during this time.

At least I haven't grown too sick of hats yet. Today I wore the brown hat that Krista and Pam gave me and got so many new compliments. My cousin Luci is knitting me hats that I'm eager to add to my supply. Maybe I'll even splurge on a hat I saw online. Before my dream, I wasn't even thinking about my hair. Now, I need to refocus on things that are important again. Like things I'm thankful for, such as ... HATS! That even with the side effects, the chemo drugs are kicking any cancer in my body. That I am recovering and feeling good. These are the blessings in my life. When my hair grows back, I'll add that to my list. Until then, I won't worry. Instead, I plan to rejoice in the Lord.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again, rejoice! Philippians 4:4

Thankful For Family

Even though I've blogged about my immediate family members, I couldn't let this month pass without a shout out to the rest of my large, extended family. I remember back in high school, one of my sisters was going through a faze of only wanting to be with her friends. My dad told her that friends will come and go, but your family will always be there. As we grew up, my brother and sisters and I have gone our separate ways, yet whenever we've had a chance to get together, we always have a blast. During this journey, we've been closer than ever before. Cards. Gifts. Phone calls. Emails. My sister Cindy and niece Nicole, who live the closest, have come numerous times to clean, cook, walk and hang out. Unexpectedly, my siblings and Dad gave me a gift of money to help pay for gas or whatever would help during radiation. So very thoughtful and generous.

I married into a wonderful family as well. My husband's sister would like nothing better than to be here for us during this time, but logistics prevents this at this time. She has made up for her lack of closeness with cards and calls and especially prayers. My mother-in-law flew in, and I don't think she rested once during her time here. Walt's Aunt Yolanda from El Salvador, a breast cancer survivor herself, came here to encourage me early in my treatment as well.

As hard as this journey has been, it's also brought with it the blessing of reconnecting with extended family through cards, emails and Facebook.  My cousin Debbie has sent care packages to encourage me. Another cousin, Luci, has offered to knit me some hats for this winter. Because I'm really tired now, I think I'm forgetting other things I wanted to say, but I know one thing for sure: I have a wonderful family! I am blessed!

I found this quote and it sums it up beautifully:

Being a family means you are part of something

 very wonderful. 

It means that you will love

 and be loved the rest of your life. 

No matter what. 

Thankful For My Friends

I can't imagine going through this journey without my wonderful friends. I'm able to be home right now because the Comstocks were willing to take Nathan to the scout meeting tonight. With Walt out of town, I feel pretty stretched and tired. This weekend was busy getting the kids to all their activities (with the help of other friends, of course). After I got home from treatment today, I only had time to do a few dishes, follow up on some of the kids' school,  and catch my breath before running Ben to his soccer practice.  I am so thankful that I didn't have to take Nathan to scouts, too. We would have gotten there late, and since the meeting was at a new location tonight, I would have had the stress of figuring out where we were going. So, here is another of the many times during this journey that I've been so thankful for my friends.

Today, after I was done with my radiation treatment, I sat up and noticed for the first time how high I was from the ground. All this time, I thought the machine swung down to me, when in fact the table I lie on is lifted up to the machine. It's a weird feeling to have your perspective switched so suddenly. I hadn't noticed this before because as soon as I lie down, I put on the goggles with the computer screen on the inside of the lens, and I don't see anything else when I undergo treatment.

When I got down, Chris, the student tech, pointed out the stool that Janet, who is quite short, uses to do her measuring.  I hadn't noticed that either. We were all laughing when I left.

Laughing in the face of cancer treatment feels good. I read Psalm 16 today and focused on verses 8 and 9:

 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore,  my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure.

Tomorrow Becca and I need to take Sugar to the vet for a minor surgery. She has a growth on her chest that started really small, and since I didn't want to deal with it during my chemo treatments, we postponed having it removed. During these past months, it's really grown. While she is under anesthesia, she'll also get the tarter on the back of her teeth scraped off, which should keep her gums healthy. I hope her recovery is quick, but since this is our first experience with anything like this, we have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow.

Thankful For My Doctors

I love my doctors. I love how they work so seamlessly together. I saw this first when I asked my oncologist for a referral to a naturopath. My naturopath, Dr. Martin, knows what supplements I can and can't take while undergoing cancer treatments. She keeps my oncologist appraised of what she has me take. Dr. Hunter, my radiation oncologist, oversaw the pathology reports and MRIs, and spoke highly of my surgeon,  Dr. Clinch. My surgeon referred me to Dr. Kohn, my oncologist, and they consulted with each other when my first surgery didn't get a large enough rim of healthy tissue around the cancer site. Dr. Kohn knows my endocrinologist and referred me to the ophthalmologist who corrected the problem I was having with my tear ducts.

No detail has fallen through the cracks between any of my doctors, including all the diagnostic tests and the timing when I started chemo or radiation. Every one of them gives me as much time as I need to ask my questions and learn about options and things I can do to stay healthy. I am thankful for all my doctors.

Yesterday I met with Dr. Kohn and received my Herceptin.  Because the cancer center moved to a new location in the hospital and operates under new procedures, I now meet my doctor in an examining room and not in the room where I receive my infusions. Yesterday's meeting reminded me of when Walt and I first met her, sitting in a similar examining room. At first, I wasn't very impressed. All my other doctors are very personable, and while Dr. Kohn is very nice, the conversation didn't flow as easily. She was interrupted several times and needed to leave to handle "emergencies."  I was tempted to look for another oncologist, but I'm so glad that Walt was there and gave me his perspective. He thought she was very smart and knew what she was talking about.  I am glad we decided to go with her. No detail, large or small, escapes her attention. She was the one who caught my tear duct scarring before it became permanent. The nurses all speak highly of Dr. Kohn. At every meeting I have with her, she has a list of questions that she hand writes specific to my situation. She's a great doctor.

Yesterday, she told me the results of my latest echo which indicated no change with my heart. That, of course, is good and means I can continue with the Herceptin. She followed up on all the the things we discussed last time. She even took time to ask what I was doing for Thanksgiving, how Walt and I met, and where I was from originally. My symptoms are disappearing and nothing new has come up, so we had a fun, easy meeting.

I mentioned earlier that my cancer center moved to another wing of the hospital. I pass by the new offices on my way to radiation every day. Because the center is now part of Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (connected now with Fred Hutchinson and the UW), I needed to stop first at Central Registration to update my information with them, even though I will be seeing the same doctor and nurses as I've always seen. After updating all my information,  I was then directed back down the hall to my doctor's office. In the old place, everything was taken care of in one location.  I'd  go to the front and check in, receive my brown folder and go to the back of the office and sit in the brown chairs. From here a nurse would show me to a chair get my vitals. Then an infusion nurse would hook up my port for the infusion, and my doctor would come back to see me. Now I go to separate places to get all the things I used to get done at once. Because everyone is still learning the ropes, the waiting between the different locations was long. The nurses have to get medications double checked by another nurse now and take time to log everything into the computer. What would have taken at most 90 minutes in the old location took over three hours yesterday. I barely made it to my radiation appointment by the time I was done with oncology.

The good thing about the changes is the infusion area is spacious and each person has a nice private area, some with flat screen TVs. They also  have a nutrition center that, in addition to the juices and water they offered in the old place, they now offer healthy snacks as well. Walt would have had a better time here during our long chemo days, which I hope we never have to do again, though. Because my infusions are ordinarily pretty quick, I'll be in and out before I get to appreciate this new space. Access to this space is really easy from the parking lot. Putting oncology and radiation close together makes sense and will be more convenient for patients who need both services.

Speaking of radiation, I found this video of Dr. Hunter, and it gives you a good idea of  what the radiation machine looks like, along with one of the techs I've had. I don't wear one of those masks on my face since I have radiation in a different area, my head fits into a mold with my hands above my head, and there are sheets on the table that they use to pull me into the exact spot needed, but other than that, it's pretty indicative of what I do every day.

Thankful for Ben

 Ben in his Halloween Costume

Wearing his dad's army shirt

Today I am thankful for my youngest child. Ben has been known to provoke in me one of those bursting-from-the-inside, can't-catch-your-breath sort of laughs. We were taking a walk and he looked down,  wondering, "Is there something on my shirt?" Just as he said that, I turned around to watch him pretend to run into a mailbox, his hand banging the side with a resounding thud. He looked at me all innocent and asked, "Why didn't you warn me?" That's Ben in a nutshell. Funny, creative, immensely sweet. The other day I suggested that Nathan might want to wear another layer under his soccer shirt. He said he didn't think he needed to. I answered, "That's right, you are a boy and you are tough, unlike your mom." Ben looked me in the eye, overhearing this conversation, and said, "I think you are tough because of what you've gone through."   Pretty amazing words coming from a ten year old boy. I love to watch him play sports because he throws his whole heart into it, whether he is being a pesky defender in soccer or gobbling up grounders hit up the middle in baseball. He has brought laughter and fun to our home these past 10 years and I'm so thankful for every minute of it.

Today, I finished treatment #7. I met a lady who was going in for her second treatment. She told me her last day is scheduled to be Christmas Eve. She is hoping she can come in on Thanksgiving instead so she would be done a day earlier. I'm thankful that I am done on the 17th. It would be hard to have treatment that close to Christmas.

Day #4: Nathan

 Nathan, manning his post at our church's Big Fall Bash, always willing to help

Coming in for a breather at a soccer game earlier in the season

Today, I am thankful for my son, Nathan. Since he was little, Nathan has always been curious about things. His voice asking questions was a constant in our home (and still is, for that matter.)  When he was 4 years old, Nathan wanted to do the same math as his older sister, who was in first grade. When I showed him a kindergarten book he could do, he said he wanted to do what Becca was doing. I thought eventually he'd get off the bus when it got too hard, but he never did. I love that God gave him an ability to grasp mathematical concepts easily. He quietly does his schoolwork each day and is often helping out his brother with math. I am thankful that he has a sensitive spirit and is always eager to pitch in wherever help is needed. He notices things I do for the kids, always thanking me for running them around to practices and other activities. Our family wouldn't work as well without our middle child, and I'm thankful that I get to experience life with him.

So, it's Sunday evening and I'm switching gears from a fun weekend where I did things like see Nathan play soccer and hang out with a great group of other homeschooling moms. Tomorrow morning will be filled with the kids' co-op classes. I will get my walk in around the parking lot while the kids are in their classes. Then I'll run them home to finish their schoolwork, and I'll head to the hospital for radiation treatment #6.  On Friday, I have my Herceptin infusion before radiation,  which will be interesting since the cancer center I've been going to since June is opening tomorrow in their new location next to radiology. Since they are now part of Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, I'll need to fill out new registration info and learn new procedures.. My doctor and all the nurses will be the same, though.  Herceptin is such an easy infusion, too, so the morning might even be fun.

Thankfulness #3: My Daughter

 Becca in her Halloween Costume

Riding Summer, where she wishes she could spend all her time

In so may ways, Becca has made me the mom I am today. Moments after she was born, the doctor laid her on my chest, and she immediately captured my heart. She looked up at me with this furrowed brow, as if she questioned whether I knew what I was doing. Well, she was right. I didn't know the first thing about being a mom, and because we are so different in  many ways, I have grown in ways that wouldn't have been possible without her. I've learned to enjoy horses, because she loves them so. (I still prefer watching her ride rather ride myself.) I have needed to know what I believe because she is quick to challenge what I took for granted. Surprisingly enough, she has changed me from someone who would never be caught dead going to the mall on Black Friday to someone who is looking forward to this annual tradition that we share.  I have seen God bless her with a beauty that is both inside and out, and I love watching her grow in grace. When young moms find out I have a 14 year old daughter, they expect me to tell them how hard this age is. I surprise many by saying how much I enjoy this age and what a great kid she is. We had our challenges when she was younger, and because we worked through them then, I delight in the relationship we now have. I will be forever grateful that God allows me to be Becca's mom.. 

Now, here's a quick health update on me. This morning I went on a challenging walk and felt strong and able to keep a good pace throughout. I think my red blood cells are recovering or the supplements I'm taking to take away muscle pain are working. Either way, I'm so excited about how good I felt after this walk today. .

I have noticed my neurapathy has gotten a lot better. I still have a little numbness at the tips of some of my fingers, but it is hardly noticeable. I think my hair is growing, even though it's minuscule   For the first time since it was shaved in June, I have to remember to towel off my head after showers now, since there's enough hair to at least absorb some moisture now. 

I also drank coffee this morning! It tasted very good. Walt and I sat in the living room chatting while I sipped on coffee. I really missed this. I enjoy drinking tea, but it's just not the same as coffee. Only a coffee lover would understand.

The side effects from radiation are pretty minimal so far. I'm glad I have a couple days of no treatment to recover even more. I have a bit of soreness around the chest, but since my muscles in my legs and arms are feeling so much better, this new pain is hardly noticeable.

Now it's time for bed. We get an extra hour of sleep tomorrow, and I plan to enjoy every minute of it!

Day 2 of Thankfulness

Back in April when I got the call from Evergreen Hospital  to return for another mammogram and diagnostic ultrasound because something showed up on my routine mammogram, I remember calling Walt at work. I tried so hard to be brave, but the moment I heard his voice, I started crying. When I was able to pull myself together and explain what was happening, he asked if I wanted him to come to the appointment. I told him I did but I knew he was busy at work. He said work wasn't as important as being there for me when I needed him.

Throughout this journey, he has done an amazing job supporting me. While we were gathering information from the doctors about my diagnosis and treatment plan, he rearranged his schedule to be at those meetings. He came to every one of my chemo days and most of my followup appointments. One of the first meetings we had after finding out I had cancer was with Dr. Hunter, who is both a radiation oncologist and medical director of the cancer program at Evergreen. After we were told that I would need chemo because of the aggressive nature of my cancer, Walt told him that it's during times like this that we live out our faith. While we don't question God when we receive blessings, we shouldn't question why when He gives us something difficult. It is this faith and direction for our family that I admire in Walt. Throughout my surgeries, chemo and now radiation, he has been by my side supporting and encouraging me.  He picked up the load I could no longer perform at home, in addition to being extremely busy at work. Even though I experienced pain, hair loss, nausea and fatigue, Walt had to watch me go through all this. It's not an easy task. On this second day of thankfulness, I am thankful for my amazing husband.

November Thankfulness #1

During this month of Thanksgiving, I plan to shift my focus in my posts to thankfulness. I can't promise I'll post every day, but I already have a long lists of things swirling in my mind to include this month.

The first thing I'm thankful for (these are not in any order, just random thoughts each day...) is good weather for driving to the hospital each day. I know I'm just in my first week of radiation and I have a long way to go, but I'm thankful that I didn't have to drive to the hospital in a hurricane or snow or ice, for that matter.  Today as I was driving, I wondered how many people on the East Coast weren't able to get to their treatments this week because of Hurricane Sandy. Along with good weather, I am thankful for my car that has been so dependable through all my trips back and forth from the hospital.

Today,I'm not feeling the fatigue as badly. It's 9 p.m. and I still have energy even though it was a busy day. After taking a morning walk and helping the kids with schoolwork, I drove the kids to their English co-op. I left early to make it to my radiation appointment and arranged for the kids to get rides home. When I returned, it was time to take Becca to her horseback riding lesson, Nathan to a friend's house, pick up Ben from his friend's, and watch the end of Becca's lesson. Becca is learning to jump, and it's fascinating to watch her maintain balance while riding bareback and clearing a jump. Really fun. By the time we all made it home, it was dark. I made a quick soup for dinner to serve along with the leftover pizza from last night. It's been a good day. So thankful that I can participate in it.

Day #3

Treatment #3 is finished. I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of this.  For my technicians today I had Nicole, who was the second tech from yesterday (this person assists with measurements and adjusting, then leaves while the first tech tells me when to hold my breath and runs the treatment), a new tech named Carol and a student named Chris. Aren't you impressed that I remembered their names?

After treatment, Carol asked if I had time to see the doctor today. I thought I only saw him on Monday, but I was curious why he would want to see me today. I told her I did, even though Nathan would be waiting for me back at Connections, our home school co-op. Becca and Ben were done with their classes and had gotten a ride home with the Sanders. Nathan had a class after lunch and I was hoping to get back about the time he was getting out of class to pick him up. Yet, I knew he would know to go hang out in the car with our friend, Wendy, who was his parent-in-charge while I was gone, and I called her to let her know I would be delayed.

I first saw the RN, Erika, and talked through my symptoms. I asked her if my fatigue would continue to get worse, and she said it shouldn't. It won't get better for 4-6 weeks after I'm done, but it shouldn't get worse. I told her that as long as I'm able to accomplish my daily duties with energy, I was okay with being tired by early evening. That was actually encouraging to me.

Then I saw Dr. Hunter. He just wanted to check in with me, see if I had any questions, and encourage me to continue doing what I was doing. He mentioned his statistics again, this time telling me I had a high 80s chance of no reccurence, and when I continue with Herceptin for the year, keep my weight in check and add Tamoxifin (which is a prescription drug I'll take for 5 years that suppresses estrogen in my body), we are looking at the low 90s. I was a bit confused because the last time we discussed this he was already talking about the low 90s, and then I realized that doing radiation brings me up to the high 80s and then if I faithfully stick to taking Tamoxifin and the other things, then I reach the 90s.

In my head, the percentages aren't important. Sure, I'm glad he's talking the high 80s-90s and not 50% or less, but it's still not 100%. Nothing in life really is 100%, The only thing that is 100% sure is that God will never leave me, no matter what happens with my cancer. I can do the best I can by getting exercise and trying to eat right and limiting my alcohol (all things Dr. Hunter stresses improve my chances of staying cancer-free), he can do the best he can with his personnel, equipment, experience and education to provide me with the best medical care possible, but the only place I can go where I am guaranteed eternal life is God. God can choose to keep me cancer free for decades and decades. God can choose to let the cancer return or give me some other illness. Some day, hopefully later than sooner, I will die. We all will. Because I have put my faith in Jesus Christ, I know that I will live in heaven with Him forever. I look at cancer as a means that God used for me to grow closer to Him,  to be blessed out of my socks by the kindnesses of people, to stretch my faith, and maybe even communicate what I believe and who God is to someone who never connected the dots in their own life before. I trust God because He has a bigger, better plan for my life than anything I could imagine, He knows how many days I have here on earth, and His love for me is wide and deep. He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. His ways are higher than my ways. He is 100% good, all the time, whether I understand what He is doing or not.  Those are the type of percentages I like.

After my meeting with Dr. Hunter, I picked up Nathan, made a quick trip to Target to get a brown shirt for his costume tonight, grabbed some pizzas at Papa Murphy's (where I think most of my neighbors also bought dinner), and got ready to go to our church's Big Fall Bash. Becca and Nathan had to be there earlier because they signed up to help for a shift, and they caught a ride with Wendy, who had stopped by briefly on her way to church. Ben was over at our neighbors, borrowing a realistic toy gun to go with his army costume. When he returned, we realized the furnace repairman's truck was blocking us in. Yes, we finally got a guy out to look at our furnace and we have heat! Once he left, I ran Ben to the church, said hi to a few people, and then came home. Walt went back to pick up the kids. I think they just got home. It was nice to have a bit of quiet tonight (especially after we turned out the light to the trick-or-treaters), and head to bed early. Tomorrow is another busy day, which of course, includes another trip to the hospital.

Radiation #2

Today was day #2 for radiation. I took this picture because it looks pretty ominous as I walk up the hall for my appointment. There are signs all over saying, "Danger" or "Construction Only."  The waiting room is really nice, so maybe I'll have a chance tomorrow to take a picture of that. I had just arrived in the waiting room, reaching in my purse for my camera, when the technologist called my name. The tech I had today was the second one from yesterday, plus I had another one to help get me lined up on the table exactly. I really need to get their names. I was told that Dr. Hunter saw the film yesterday and liked how my heart looked when I did my breathing. She said they'll take a film every day to make sure my heart stays out of the way. I then breezed through the treatment. Then I put on lotion, changed clothes and checked my watch. All done in about 12 minutes.

I made sure I took a walk before my treatment today since I prepared to be tired again afterwards and knew it would be easier to not want to walk. I made it through the hills in my neighborhood pretty well today.  I am pretty tired now, though. I really don't know if it's the result of low red blood cells, the busyness of adding this extra daily trip to the hospital, the effects of radiation on my cells, or a combination of all. It's probably the latter, along with a bit of emotion thrown in. It's still hard to think of doing this every day. As long as I just take it one day at a time, I think I won't get so overwhelmed. Tomorrow should work out well as  the church where we have our home school classes is just one exit away from the hospital.  Becca and Ben will go home after their last class with our friends the Sanders, Nathan has a class after lunch, so while I head to the hospital, he'll stay at the church for that. If it goes as smoothly as today, I should be back to the church before his class is out.

Radiation Day 1

Here is what 35 radiation appointments look like on paper. One down...34 to go

While the technician went to get my warm blankets, I took a quick picture of the radiation equipment. I lie on the bed, with my arms above my head, and the machine then comes to me, rotating around me at four different angles.

I don't remember being this nervous before chemo. I think because I am required to breath in during the treatment to move my heart away, I feel extra pressure to do it right.  During chemo, I just sat there while the drugs and the nurse did all the work.

Before heading out to my appointment, I picked up my Praying Through Cancer devotional that my cousin Debbie sent me in a care package after my first chemo. I've read through the book already and now just open it up randomly to reread something. Today, I fell on this verse: He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge. Psalm 91:4

I then drove to the hospital, and since it wasn't rush hour, the traffic was a breeze. I sat in the parking lot and reminded myself that God will cover me with His feathers and I will be safe there. I realized that it wasn't up to me whether my heart would be safe, but I could trust that God would protect not only it, but all of me.

Most of today's appointment involved getting me lined up exactly on the table. The machine was positioned at different angles and everything was recorded. As I lay there, I thought how detailed-oriented someone in this job would need to be. Then the technicians left the room (there were two to do the positioning). For the rest of the procedure, I just had one technician, the same one who did my simulation. (I'll need to get her name if I have her every time.) She instructed me over the speakers to hold my breath and when I could let it out. I had to do the breathing and pictures were taken. From those, she checked again to make sure everything was lined up where it was supposed to be. She had to adjust the table remotely. I'm glad she warned me that this could happen as it felt like a mild earthquake happened suddenly. After everything was precisely to the millimeter right, I was ready for the actual radiation treatment. She announced over the speakers that I could hold my breath to the blue line when I was ready for treatment. I breathed in so hard that I surpassed the blue line. Each time she asked me to breath in, it seemed easier to do it exactly right. It's really not complicated. I knew that in my head during my simulation, but I built it up to be more than it was as I anticipated actual treatment. The technician said I did the breathing perfectly for my first time. I know it was God who helped me to relax and get through my first treatment.

I then got to get back into my normal clothes and went to meet with a nurse. She gave me samples of a lotion to try. She also had a printout of things to do and not do and included a picture of the area on my chest that is being treated.  I would meet with Dr. Hunter each Monday, but if I needed to ask a nurse or the doctor a question, I could call at anytime or ask to see someone when I'm there for appointments. Then she said she'd see me tomorrow. Tomorrow. And the next day...for 34 more times.

How am I feeling? I'm really tired. I felt tired as I got into my car in the parking lot. Fatigue is a side effect, but I didn't anticipate it setting in so quickly. I wonder if it isn't more of a combination of my nerves putting undo stress on my body coupled with the anemia I already have than any effect of the radiation at this point. I asked my nurse if the fatigue came from the loss of red blood cells, and she said it's more the fact that they are burning cells from within. My body then reacts to this and puts its energy into repairing those cells. That makes sense. But, Dr. Hunter was right when he said the fatigue will be nothing like chemo fatigue. Whatever  I am feeling right now has to multiple by so much more to equal what I felt on the first day of chemo...which usually wasn't my worst day of fatigue. But, I am tired, and I will need to work around that in my schedule.

I better end now. I'm off to an early bedtime. Tomorrow morning I have one of my rare mornings at home with the kids and I want to be able to get as much done with them as I can before I head out for day two. Plus, Nathan is eager to snag my laptop to play a game with his brother and sister before they head to bed.

Sunday Night

I got this great hat from my friends Pam and Krista for my birthday last month. It is the perfect hat for fall. This morning, as we were getting ready for church, I got into the picture-taking mood.

 Here I am with Nathan and Ben and their blue striped shirts

My sister Cindy and I 

Cindy came to visit for the weekend. She and my niece Nicole took me out to dinner to celebrate the end of chemo on Saturday. I wish I had thought to bring my camera to the restaurant. We had so much fun. Even though it was the third time I ordered fish tacos at this restaurant, I don't remember them ever tasting this good. It's great to enjoy food again. 

When we got home, Walt and I taught Cindy how to play Mexican Train dominoes. We only lasted a few rounds before I had to call it quits because I was tired. Most nights I am ready for bed by 8 or 9 pm. (Not sure why I'm still up writing this at 10:23...)

I actually need to go take a bath right before I head to bed. With my pains in my muscles, I have enjoyed soaking in warm water and Epsom salts. I start radiation tomorrow, and I think I'll need to avoid baths. My skin will be very delicate and I want to try to protect it as much as possible. So, tonight will be the last bath in several weeks...

When Cindy came, she delivered a gift from my siblings and my dad. Every one sent Cindy checks, she cashed them, and gave me an envelope of cash. She said Patty had the great idea to help pay for gas to and from the hospital for my daily trips for the next seven weeks. I was touched beyond words at their thoughtfulness. I haven't even counted how much it is, but the envelope is thick and full of 20s.  What a great family I have! I am blessed.

In anticipation of my radiation tomorrow, I was thinking about the need to hold my breath to move my heart away from harm. I think God orchestrated this so I would keep my mind on Him while I was undergoing the procedure. When I hold my breath, I am going to trust that God will hold my heart and protect it from any damage. Just like He's walked the other parts of this journey with me, I know He will be with me during radiation.

I hope to find time tomorrow to post how my first radiation treatment went... Until then, I'm off to take my last bath...

Just When I Thought I Was Better...

My stomach is having troubles. It's probably because of all the fresh, raw vegetables I've been eating lately. Yesterday at lunch I put together the most amazing salad, full of greens, avocados, tomatoes, broccoli, and carrots. I was eating it, thinking how decadent it tasted, but then realized it was a salad and good for me. Well, I was wrong and had a long night with a stomach ache as a result.

Fortunately, I met with my naturopath today. She said at this point in my recovery, I should continue to be careful about eating raw veggies. The chemo has disrupted a lot of things in my GI tract. When I eat raw vegetables, my stomach has to essentially cook them to digest them. For now, she encouraged me to take a less-is-more approach to raw veggies. It's hard to think that something that is so good for me can also be bad. But, if I can prevent another long night, I will try. A salad full of greens will probably be okay for me, but the harder to digest veggies (like raw broccoli  carrots, cauliflower) should be added in slowly as I recover.  She also mentioned that during the winter months, it's normally easier on our bodies to have only about 20-30% of our vegetables raw since our bodies are working hard on dealing with the dark and the colder temperatures. I see a lot of soups in my future.

My naturopath prescribed some more supplements for my recovery. When I'm done with my B6 vitamins (which will help with my neuropathy recovery), I'll switch over to a multi-vitamin. Then she suggested a supplement to help with my immunity, and another one that will help with my muscle aches and to support my health through radiation. (I won't bore you with their names.) She also gave me a sample of a fish oil supplement to see how I do with it and recommended Melatonin at a high dose which also boosts immunity and inhibits cancer cell growth. When I first went to see her, I was hesitant to take many pills. Now after chemo, knowing how effective it was at tearing down my immunity and wreaking havoc on my blood counts, I am willing to do as much as I can to help rebuild my body.

I'm heading out for a quick walk with Sugar. Fresh air always makes me feel better. I need to get out there before it gets too dark, and that happens really fast out here in Washington.

Quick Health Update

This is going to be a quick update on how I am. I am eating salads again. (Yeah!) Food, for the most part, tastes pretty normal. I'm working hard at choosing healthy foods, but I'm not always successful since everything looks and tastes so good. I haven't tried coffee yet, but I am enjoying tea and hot water again. With the chilly weather and no heat in our house (our furnace is broken and the repairman can't come out until the 31st), hot beverages are such a blessing!

On my Monday walk, I felt pretty strong, able to keep up with my friends while they cooled down after a run. (I walked with them after they ran for a half an hour at a quick pace...I still felt good about keeping up although it was probably a slow pace for them.) Yesterday I walked Sugar with Ben, making it up a big hill in our neighborhood. Then I walked with Becca to say hi to our friends who are moving into our neighborhood. After a quick peek at their backyard and chat,  I climbed back up to our house as fast as I could manage (it wasn't very pretty--I still walk a bit off balance, especially when I hurry) trying to get home on time to take Nathan to his soccer practice. Those hills did me in. Today, I am sore. I managed a few laps around the parking lot at Connections,  but with the rain and my stiffness, I decided to take it easy. I'll be back trying to build up strength again tomorrow. It'll be nice to get some more red blood cells, but I'm not sure how long that's going to take.

Yesterday I had my screening echo appointment. I think if the cardiologist had discovered something wrong with my heart, I would have heard something today. No news, especially in the medical world, is usually good news.

Tomorrow will be my first Thursday since June 14th that I am not making a trip to the hospital. Thursday, other than my usual day for chemo, was also the day I got weekly Herceptin. Since I get Herceptin every three weeks now (and I moved my appointments to Friday), I get to spend the morning at home with the kids. I think I'll make them something fun for breakfast. Then I get to be the one to take them to and from their lit co-op. It's the little things like this that I've come to enjoy. Next week I'll be able to take them to co-op, but they'll need to catch a ride home since I'll be heading out for my radiation appointment before their classes are done. Again, I know I've said this before but it deserves to be repeated, I am so thankful for the kindness of my friends who are willing to step in the gap for me during this journey.

The other good thing I'm experiencing is sleep. The chemo drugs produced fatigueand interestingly enough, insomnia. It's hard to wrap my brain around how both can co-exist in my body, but they did. Now when I go to bed each night, (usually before ten...which I'm coming up to my bedtime quickly right now), I feel confident I'll sleep through the night. The days of waking up at 3 or 4 and not being able to go back to sleep seem to be over, at least for now. Every time I wake up to my alarm, or just before, I'm thankful that I got in the sleep my body needs. Hopefully quality sleep and good food will work together in building back my red blood cells. I can only wait in anticipation to the day I can tackle those hills on my walk without pain.

Radiation Simulation Appointment

What did I do on my first Friday after chemo? I got a tattoo! In case any of you are thinking of doing such thing, I highly discourage it! Those needles hurt! Now, before any of you wonder if chemo brain has really set in and I've really lost it, my tattoos--two little pinpricks--came during my radiation simulation today. Besides my scars, I will forever have a reminder of this journey, marked with permanent ink.

I was nervous about this appointment. Even though I hated chemo, I really enjoy the people at the cancer center and I knew what to expect. This is a brand new adventure for me. Of course, I didn't need to worry. The people over there are amazing. I arrived a few minutes early for my appointment, not sure how long it was going to take me to find the right place inside all the construction on that side of the hospital. I  poked my head into a waiting area and asked where I was supposed to go for my radiation simulation. The same sweet lady I met when I visited the resource center and got my wig last spring told me I was at the right place. She was working on a puzzle with another volunteer. She told me everyone was still at lunch and to wait here and someone would come get me. It seemed a bit strange to not actually check in with someone, but I trusted her. As I sat, a few more people showed up for their appointments. Everyone was so friendly and the atmosphere so welcoming. One lady was down to her final 10 appointments and told me they went faster than she would have ever thought. Another lady had only two to go and was sort of complaining about having to come 30 times. I mentioned that I thought I was going to come 35 time and the volunteer lady said that she's seen people with over 40 visits. With a smile on her face, this lady turned to her husband and said, "I guess I shouldn't have been complaining."

As I waited to be called, I started getting nervous again. Several people came and went, and I continued to sit. I felt like I should be checking in with someone, but I didn't know where to ask. With the construction, there wasn't a front reception desk, and the volunteer ladies had left by then.  Finally, about 25 minutes late, a technician came into the waiting room and asked if I was Linda. She said they hadn't known I was there! I told her I suspected I needed to check in with someone, but the volunteers assured me that I was fine. She said they probably didn't know what a first-time patient was supposed to do.  She then showed me where I would get changed every day, pulling out a gown with three arm holes (joking that I would grow an extra arm by the time I was finished). I actually figured out how to put on the gown with the three holes from her description, and she told me that only happened about 1% of the time. (They like to use percentages in radiation, I've discovered.)

I then went into the simulation room. The technology is  very impressive. The tech explained what was going to happen, including a brief description of a special breathing technique that I would need to use  if my heart was in the radiation area. She assured me, however, that this was only necessary about 25% of the time. Dr. Hunter came in and drew all over my chest, marking where the technician would tape on wires and place my tattoos. He also said that even though I am most likely cured at this point, going through radiation decreases my chances of getting a recurrence in this breast by 40%. (See what I mean about the percentages?)  Then my bed was rolled into the scanner, which, of course, indicated that a small part of my heart was in the radiation zone.  Because I am one of the 25 percenters, I get to learn about some cool technology (a home school mom's dream). To set up the computer for my breathing, she placed a small box on my stomach and goggles on my head. The goggles monitored the box as it rose and fell when I breathed normally. Then I was asked to take a deep breath. I did that a couple of times for the computer to read how high the box moved.  The computer then created a blue line which I see inside my goggles. When I take my breath, I need to breath in until I reach the blue line on the screen and hold there. This moves my heart out of the way. It's pretty easy and pretty amazing.

I was then given my schedule. I go in every day at 1:40 p.m., starting on October 29th and ending on December 17th. I get the weekends off. The first radiation appointment will take about 30 minutes, but after that, it will be much shorter. I will meet with Dr. Hunter weekly to discuss how things are going. I also will meet with a nurse who will monitor my skin and offer free samples of lotions to try if my skin starts to burn. I asked the technician if she knew of something I could use now to prep my skin, and she recommended pure aloe vera. Since I didn't have any other questions, that was it for my simulation appointment.

Now, I have a week off--well not off, since I have at least one appointment next week--before I start radiation. It will be a challenge going every day, but the atmosphere there is so friendly, I can see how easily it will be to make friends. Traffic to and from should be pretty easy, since it's not during rush hour, and it should fit around the kids' homeschooling schedule as well. (Thanks to my friend Tiffany, who is moving into my neighborhood this month, and my friend Krista who are willing to give my kids rides.)  It feels good to get things set up and know more of what to expect for the next eight weeks. (A piece of cake compared to chemo.)

1st Non-Chemo Day!

My devotional today began by reminding me to go gently through the day, keeping my eyes on God...I thought as I read this, I should have a pretty easy day. After all, today is my first post-chemo appointment. I would get Herceptin, but not the toxic drugs I got on my chemo days. I did have a mammogram scheduled, but because Dr. Hunter encouraged me to not worry about it, I haven't been.

As I went through my day, I could see why keeping my eyes on Jesus who was shepherding me through my day was an important reminder. I noticed last night a slight swelling in  both ankles. I talked with Dr. Kohn about this and she thought it was related to anemia (low red blood cells), but since I was scheduled for an echo on my heart at the end of the month, that she would recommend moving it up a couple of weeks to make sure it's not related to problems with my heart. (This was not unexpected for God, who already knows about my heart and I'm trusting Him with the results.) We also talked about the problems I'm having walking, the weakness and the pain, especially when I walk up hills and stairs. Unless the echo proves differently, she thinks it's all related to the anemia. When I asked her how long I can expect before my blood count normalizes, she said it could be weeks and even months. She doesn't know of any vitamins or nutrition that will help speed up the recovery. She is still recommending not pushing through the pain of my muscles until I start recovering, which she said I'll know when it happens. Then I can increase my exercising. I miss my long walks, but I'll wait for God's timing. I am trying to be very careful with my diet now, especially since I'm not burning as many calories as when I was walking more. My stomach is feeling good, and as I slowly introduce raw veggies back into my diet, I am not developing any new pains or problems.  

After getting Herceptin and a quick trip to  Trader Joe's, I went back to the hospital for my six-month mammogram. As I was checking in, a lady who looked like she was in her 30s hovered behind me. When the receptionist asked if she could help her, she said her doctor had just faxed an order for a mammogram and she was in shock. Oh, my heart broke for her. I certainly hope whatever the doctor felt turns up benign,  and I prayed for her as I waited. When I went in for my mammogram, the tech informed me that my right breast would also be screened. She said that the radiologist wanted to monitor a benign cyst on my right side as well as do the followup screening on the breast that had the cancer. All of a sudden, this easy mammogram that I wasn't worrying about became a bigger deal.  What if something shows on my right side? Then I remembered the devotional this morning and knew God was walking this with me.  After my mammogram, I was asked to sit in the waiting room while the radiologist looked at my films. This brought back so many memories and fears from sitting in this waiting room last April. Back then, I didn't know I had cancer. Once I learned that, of course, my life would never be the same again. What if something came back abnormal and I had to go through a biopsy again? I reminded myself that God was with me. My sister-in-law offered to have her bible study group pray for my mammogram results today, and I told her I really wasn't worried. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I wish I had people praying for me.  I also reminded myself that God was hearing my prayers. When the tech came to get me, she pulled me into a room and before my mind could formulate a question about what this meant, she said that everything was fine. I do have slight calcifications around the clip they placed where they biopsied, but that was not unexpected. It would just be monitored in six months, my normal followup. As I was getting dressed, I let the tears of thankfulness flow and praised God.

I'm heading out the door in a  minute to take Nathan to his soccer practice, swing back by the stables where I dropped Becca off for her lesson earlier, then head back to Nathan's practice to retrieve him... I am overjoyed that I get to do this today! These are normal things that I needed help with during the week or so after chemo. Today I would have come back tired, anticipating the nausea and fatigue to hit hard in the next days. Yet, this weekend I get to clean house, watch Ben's soccer game, make cookies for a memorial service, support my friends who just lost their father and grandfather...all the normal life things that I missed when I was undergoing chemo. Tomorrow will be my first day I've gone longer than 21 days between chemos. Although I don't feel 100% with my aches and pains, I'll take it over nausea any day. Just as God promised and my devotional reminded me this morning, "When the road before you looks rocky, you can trust Me to get you through that rough patch. My presence enables you to face each day with confidence." Amen!

Sunday

 I loved being in church this morning. (Missing several Sundays during chemo makes me appreciate being in church all the more.) Our pastor preached an excellent sermon on suffering. What's important about suffering? It's the fact that Jesus never leaves us, that it's always for a season and has a purpose.. Satan likes to use times of suffering to whisper in our ears to get us to question God and His love for us... How do we answer Satan?  Remember 2 Corinthians 4: 18: 

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  

Great stuff!

For the most part, I'm feeling better. My stomach, in particular, feels almost normal. My taste is coming back gradually. I was craving a salad yesterday but decided not to push my stomach with the raw veggies, so I had leftover squash instead.  Today I forgot I still have to be careful about food. I went to a luncheon and was all finished with my sandwich before I remembered I'm not supposed to eat uncooked lunch meat. It was too late by then, so I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me. My mind has progressed to the next step, radiation, that I forget that I'm still recovering from this chemo cycle. At least this weekend I'm not dreading my next round. Next Thursday will be almost fun to go in and just receive Herceptin without the more toxic drugs. Then the next day, Friday, will be my first Friday not in a chemo cycle since June..  I can't wait!

The main side effect I am suffering from at present is muscle pain and weakness. I can walk pretty well on flat ground, but hills and steps do me in. Tonight Walt and I took a walk through our neighborhood, and I overestimated my ability to manage the hills. We walked a little too far and I struggled on the way home. All summer long, when I got to this point in my cycle,  I was easily able to walk several miles over hilly terrain. These last cycles, however,  have affected my muscles. I suspect my red blood counts are low and my muscles aren't receiving the oxygen they need.  When I need to open a jar, I call on one of the kids to do it for me since I don't have the strength in my hands, either. I plan on asking the doctor on Thursday how long it might be before my blood count recovers.

The boys got to have three friends spend the night last night. It was the first sleepover at our house that any of the kids have had since at least June. This family has  helped us so many times, letting our boys sleep over there, driving them to practices and games when we were stuck at the doctor's or I wasn't feeling well. It felt good to be able to help them out by having their younger boys here so they could go out on a date last night, and even though it wasn't necessary, let their boys spend the night. It's a sign that things are starting to return to normal around here.

Of course, I still have radiation to go through. On Friday, I have my simulation scheduled. Here I'll get  measured and lined up precisely. Then my doctor will figure out the exact dosage of radiation and time frame required. .I hope he isn't going to recommend longer than seven weeks, but we'll cross that bridge if it's required.

On this Sunday night, I'm grateful. Grateful that I got to see both boys' soccer games this weekend. The rainy weather has hit us finally this fall, and it was cold and wet. It was still fun to cheer on both boys to victory. We came home from Nathan's game to watch the tape of the great Seahawks victory over the Patriots. The kids are all finished with homework and we're ready for a new week. Only two trips to the hospital for me this week (down from three last week). I think it's going to be a good week.

Much Better Monday

Considering last Monday I was at the hospital getting two liters of fluids, waking up today with a bit of energy easily made it a better day. My stomach, which started having problems on Friday, still  is upset off and on,  but I think is getting better.  I took a few laps around the parking lot at our home school co-op while the kids were in classes this morning and felt okay.  I haven't bounced back as quickly as I've done on previous cycles where I could manage a two- or three-mile walk at this point.  The good thing is I have more time to recover this time, with no new cycle lingering in the future. I'm done!!! Okay, I don't think it's fully hit me since I've been so preoccupied with trying to feel better, but each day that I get past my last treatment, I know I'll appreciate it more.

Walt and I also had a meeting with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Hunter, this afternoon. He was the first doctor we met with after getting the cancer diagnosis. The first thing he said when he came into the room was "Congratulations on completing chemo! You've gotten through the hard part of your treatment." The second thing he said was I increased my chance of not having a recurrence of cancer to over 90%. He then mentioned again ways I can improve those odds even more, like not gaining weight, walking 30 minutes five days a week, and taking the estrogen-suppressing drug faithfully (which I think I start once I'm finished with radiation treatments). He then talked about radiation, which is my next step in the journey. Because there is a good chance that I might have undetectable cancer cells still lingering in the breast tissue where the probability of recurrence is the greatest, radiation will kill any of those.  He said that since it's so targeted, I will most likely not even get a bad skin reaction. We scheduled the screening appointment for Friday the 19th. My daily radiation will begin at the end of October. While fatigue is a probable side effect, he agreed that it won't be anything like chemo fatigue, so my life will be a bit easier from this point forward. Each appointment will only be about 15 minutes, but the hard part will be the daily trip into the hospital for about seven weeks. 

As we discussed my prognosis further, one sobering comment he made was, because of the aggressive nature of my cancer, a generation ago he would have been talking a death sentence for me. Her2 positive cancer used to indicate a high occurrence of metastasis (spreading to other areas of the body like the brain or a lung) where there is no longer a chance of getting rid of the cancer. Herceptin targets the Her2 cancer cells, prevents them from reproducing, and alerts the body's immune system to kill them. That's why I've been having weekly infusions of Herceptin during chemo, and then will go in every three weeks until next June.  The bottom line, no matter how inconvenient it is, I'm thankful that I have this treatment available to me that wasn't a possibility less than 10 years ago. 

Walt mentioned that I had a mammogram scheduled for next week, and Dr. Hunter said it was just diagnostic. In all his years of cancer treatment, he hasn't seen a mammogram revealing more cancer at this point in treatment. He said that was definitely not something to worry about. The highest chance of recurrence are in the first few years, and he said that we've already passed the halfway mark in the first year. He kept encouraging us that, since I caught the cancer early and endured chemo, and if I continue to do the things needed to stay healthy,  that I will more likely die of old age than cancer. 

Because of knowing someone who had  breast cancer spread to her brain and hearing of so many other stories of how cancer can come back, I've been thinking too much on that lately. It's probably because I haven't been feeling well and spending too much time thinking. While Dr. Hunter didn't tell me that he was 100% positive that I wouldn't get cancer again, he spoke very directly that the odds are definitely in my favor. Sometimes cancer is known as "the Big C," but as menacing and dangerous as it is, it is really "the little c" compared to the real "Big C," Jesus Christ. We serve a big God who has unlimited power at His disposal. As I go through radiation and then all the follow up screenings, my eyes need to stay focused on Who has the ultimate power to heal. All the prayers said on my behalf from countless people all over this country aren't going to waste. God has been answering those prayers, and I have confidence that I can trust Him with the rest of my life.

So, that's what's happening as I close out this Monday. Life is good and only getting better. Now, if we could only figure out what is causing that horrible smell coming from our refrigerator... well, that's a story for another day.