Physical Therapy and Christmas

I can't believe it's been two months since my last blog post. I've started many posts in my head on my walks, but by the time I had a few minutes to write, whatever I wanted to say was past history. I think the bottom line is the longer I go between posts, the more life and normalcy is happening. The time between thinking about cancer lengthens, although it never quite goes away. I feel strong, healthy and blessed right now.

The one remnant from treatment that is still causing me problems is my shoulder. As the muscles in my chest area healed, and I resumed the activities I love, I noticed a range of motion problem in my left shoulder. If I caught a tennis ball with my left hand and the force moved my arm backward, a sharp pain resonated in my shoulder. If I reached too far overhead, it would hurt. Even reaching back to get my seatbelt would engage painful twinges. For the most part, my shoulder didn't affect what I wanted to do, so I ignored it.

Then sometime this fall, I decided to engage in range of motion exercises to work out the soreness. When I saw my oncologist in November, she guessed it was tendonitis since I had the pain mostly in the top of my shoulder. Her recommendation was to try ibuprofen and exercise for a month. If it didn't improve, she was going to refer me for physical therapy.  I googled shoulder tendonitis and found some range of motion exercises and faithfully performed them every day. The shoulder weakened. I could no longer do a pushup without pain. I worried about the effects of the pain reliever on my stomach and immune system. Some days it felt better, and other days it ached all day long. On the day my month was over, my oncologist's nurse followed up with me. I  can't say enough good things about how well Dr. Kohn stays on top of all the details of her patients, especially since I was leaning towards putting off calling until after school was out for Christmas. I told the nurse that I would like to see a physical therapist, and the next day I received a calI from Evergreen Outpatient Physical Therapy. The receptionist set me up with eight appointments, twice a week. Once I got the appointments on my calendar, it was easy enough to fit them into my schedule.

My PT, with an extensive background working with sports injuries, told me that every exercise and stretch I was performing up until now was actually hurting my shoulder. He said that with the shoulder, "no pain, no gain," does not work. The muscles need to be stretched slowly and strengthened. He's seen other patients who have had radiation have similar side effects, with the radiation causing the muscles, tendons, and ligaments to shorten, dry out, and become less elastic. Because my shoulder wasn't moving properly, my neck muscles had to do what they weren't designed to do, which also affected the upper back.  Remember the back problem I had? The achiness would return if I was on my feet for long periods of time. Now I see the problem originated with my stiff shoulder. It's amazing how the anatomy fits together. My PT showed me a stretch with a foam roller that loosened up all the muscles from my neck to my upper back. I've been using a tightly rolled towel at home, but yesterday he highly recommend I get a foam roller for the added effectiveness. He gave me a rubber band to hang on the door to help stretch and strengthen the muscles. My shoulder now feels lighter since the stiffness is starting to loosen up. He is convinced that had I not come in, my shoulder would have continued to deteriorate and I would have lost the range of motion I had.

Yesterday we received a beautiful blanket of snow and many of the schools were closed. The physical therapy office opened, but the receptionist who called me said I could choose to cancel if I wanted to. My appointment wasn't until 11, and by then, the snow was starting to melt, so I chose to go in. As I was doing exercises, my eyes looked out on the cancer wing of the hospital. It dawned on me that my year anniversary of completing radiation (December 17th) passed by without me noticing. Last Christmas, I was so grateful to be finished with all my active treatment, except for the Herceptin. I thought of people who might be sitting in the infusion chairs as I was now pulling down light weights, and said a prayer for them. Chemo is hard anytime, but I think it would be especially hard during the holidays. The atmosphere in the physical therapy room was jovial, as many of the PTs had clients cancel on them, and they were eager for conversation. I didn't miss the shark contrasts on this side of the street from the cancer center. The doctors, nurses and staff at SCCA (mostly Cascade Cancer Center while I was getting chemo) are amazing and gracious. The conversation many times was rich and entertaining. But, I also remember times coming in feeling nauseous and weak or seeing others who would barely walk. The chairs were filled with people who were suffering. It doesn't escape me that my appointments this December are for continued healing, not treatment with side effects. I am growing stronger just as my hair is growing longer. It is a busy Christmas this year, but busy for good reasons. Becca's taking driving lessons and has a busy social calendar. Nathan and Ben add to the running around with their activities.  I make it a priority to fit in a walk at least six days a week. This year, for the first time in our married lives, we didn't send out a Christmas letter or card. It wasn't because I didn't feel healthy enough, but because I feel too healthy and our lives are jammed full of life. It's a good problem. Actually, the best.

Now it's back to some last minute preparation on the house before our Florida family arrives tomorrow. Explaining to the kids last Sunday when they said they couldn't believe Christmas was this week, I told them that we didn't want  to miss Jesus this year. If it doesn't feel like Christmas, remember to spend more time with God.  John 1:1 says, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." Jesus is the word incarnate, the word in flesh. We celebrate Him, not presents, Santa, snowmen or even cookies. If we don't miss Jesus this Christmas, we won't miss Christmas. Find Jesus and discover the Christmas spirit. That's our goal for the rest of the Christmas season. I'm sure it'll be busy, but full of much love and laughter and life. And Jesus, of course.

I Passed!

At 9 a.m. this morning, I was in my oncologist's office, the first time with my curly hair. I was just in for a blood draw, and the vein in my right arm cooperated with the needle wielded by a professional blood taker, and before I knew it, my arm was wrapped up, minus several vials of blood.

Since it was a fasting blood test, I hadn't eaten anything since last night, but all I was in the mood for as I headed to mammography was a bottle of water. I saw my friend Pam briefly before getting called back to change into the warm robe. I waited through a cup of tea and another glass of water before finally being called back for the x-rays. Because of problems with my thyroid, I always ask for the thyroid guard. I did this on my own, based on a recommendation from someone on a breast cancer website, but last summer I asked my endocrinologist what he thought. He said it was a good idea to protect my thyroid from any radiation exposure I could. After being manipulated and squished by the 3-D imaging machine, I was asked to go wait again in the waiting room.

The minutes ticked slowly by. I prayed for others in the room, especially those who were waiting on results like me. I prayed for my friend Pam who had probably gotten her mammogram by now. Some new ladies came. Some of the others were called back and left. I still waited. The verse that kept repeating in my mind was, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,   I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

The Breast Center is not what I would call the valley of the shadow of death. The people there, from the receptionists, the assistants, the technicians and doctors are all amazing people. I always feel respected and cared for when I enter into the back waiting room. The shadow of death, though, is the cancer that might be lingering inside me. Cancer could mean death. Yet, I knew God was with me, every step of the way. I felt His presence. Every time I wondered if I should be worrying about the length of time that has passed, I reminded myself that God had my back, the peace I was feeling was what I was supposed to be feeling. Then the technicians called me back to take a few new films. She asked me if I had a port-a-cath. I told her I did. She thought that scar tissue from that had shown up on my film, but the doctor wanted to take some other angles on my right side and be sure. My right side is the good side. The cancer was in my left side.... I was pretty confident that it was scar tissue, so my blood pressure stayed normal as I submitted to more squeezing and breath holding.

Back to the waiting room I went. More time to pray. There was the cutest little boy of about 4 years old who came in with his mom. I loved watching him interact with his mom, trying not to be too obvious about it. She had gone in and come back, too. I prayed that she didn't have anything serious going on, but she looked so peaceful, flipping through a magazine and answering every question fired at her by her son. They were called back in and I was left alone to continue to pray.

Finally, the technician came back and said, even though it looks like it was scar tissue on the second films, the doctor wanted to be certain. She walked me down to ultrasound, where I waited again. A very nice ultrasound technician ushered me back to a room, where I lay on my back and she prepped the machine. I told her how I had started at 9 a.m. with a fasting blood test and I was getting a little hungry. It was now closing in on noon. She was so sympathetic of my wait, in fact she was sorry for my entire breast cancer journey, and she offered a coupon to pick up a free item at the coffee shop afterwards. As she pressed the wand on my skin, she remarked, "This looks like healthy tissue." When she was finished, she had to show everything to the doctor, but felt confident I would get the green light to go. She came back with the blue coupon for a free item at the deli and word that the doctor had passed me. I thanked her for her kindness, and she helped  me navigate the maze back to my clothes. On my way out, I treated myself to a vanilla latte, knowing I had some nuts and fruit stashed in my bag to nibble on during my errands on the way home.

This is my third screening mammogram since the diagnosis. I remember after the last two I couldn't hold back the tears when I got the good news. This time, while I was extremely relieved, I wasn't as emotional about the results. Perhaps I had more time to experience God's peace. Maybe I'm getting used to this process. Maybe I'm still waiting for the all-clear from my oncologist next week, after the results of the blood test for things like tumor markers. Maybe I just want to feel thankful and not tearful. When I texted some of my friends and posted the good news on Facebook, though, the heart-felt responses brought tears to my eyes. I guess it's still a big deal, even though I am getting better at it!

Foggy Inspiration

It's been so foggy lately that on our way to English co-op this morning, I found myself hoping that all the cars on the road had their lights on since I could not make out vehicle bodies, only the headlights. I think rain would have been easier to see through.

By the time I went for my walk this afternoon, the fog had burned off a bit, leaving behind a misty image, as if someone smudged out the edges of the trees and hills with an eraser. 

With my focus on what was near, it was fun to pick out interesting shapes, colors and objects as I walked around the neighborhood.

I saw this leaf....

 And this flower...

How easily it would have been to overlook these. With the fog, my eyes stayed open for the unexpected nearby. In my busyness, I often neglect the simple things, the unrushed moments because my eyes are focused on what I can do or need to do or hope never to do again...

Tomorrow is my blood draw and mammogram. I know people have been praying for me because for the most part, I've felt an amazing peace about it all week. I've prayed that I not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to God (Phil. 4:6). This afternoon, I started to let a squiggle of worry wind its way into my thoughts. On my walk, God used the yellow leaf and bright white daisy to remind me to stay in the moment, to appreciate all He has done and will do and is able to do. Not my pace, but God's pace. Listening to praise songs, being filled with His  presence, taking one step at a time. This is how I paced this journey from the beginning, and as I've felt better, I find myself getting a bit ahead of where God wants me to be sometimes. On the eve of an important screening, I know no better place than to be exactly where God wants me to be, thinking of Him and not the test, not the potential of what might show up in my blood or on my mammogram, but on God who is bigger than anything I will face.... Knowing, yes knowing, that God has everything under control.

The fog is supposed to stick around through the weekend. It will be just the reminder I need to keep my eyes focused on what is right before me, not looking out further than God would want my eyes to go.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Seeing God

I love the colors of fall. Often our skies are gray and our leaves our soggy this time of year. This afternoon, as I set out for my walk, I took a moment to take pictures. Today was one of those brilliant, fall days, just a note of coolness in the midst of vivid colors. It's amazing what you see when you take a moment to look.  

I think we can learn that about God, too. When I take a moment to look, I  see Him. I feel His presence. I know He is real. I don't want to rush through my days and miss Him.

We just got  finished watching the Seahawks game. Becca went to senior high youth group, but got home to celebrate the win. I love times when we are all together. Sugar misses Becca when she's gone. 

Last Saturday, Ben had the opportunity to sub for Nathan's soccer team. Because of guys out sick and other commitments, Nathan's team had only 10 players. Ben was sitting on the sidelines, having just finished his game. Since he still had on his uniform and cleats, the coach asked him if he would play the second half. With a bit of encouragement, Ben agreed. The picture below was taken right before the second half, with Nathan giving his brother a last minute word of advice as they went out to the field together. Together. That has such a nice sound to it! It was so much fun watching the boys play on the same field. Ben did amazing, playing with the older boys. Nathan couldn't have been prouder of his brother. I'm so glad I didn't miss it.

Last night I took Becca up to the high school to watch our friends play on the freshman football team. I could only stay for part of the first half because I needed to be home for a phone call.  At the time I left, the team was losing. When Becca came home, I asked her how badly they lost. She laughed and said, "They won!" Our friend had a big interception in the game. I wish I could have been there!

The reason I needed to be home was I agreed to take part in a research project put on by Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research. The study is called the Bravo Study, and it involved 1600 breast cancer survivors from the Seattle area and about 800 survivors from New Mexico. I was asked all kinds of questions related to my health, doctor visits, birth control use, smoking, drinking, family history, pregnancies... the interview lasted over an hour. It took most of my brain cells to remember my doctors from as far back as 1994, but with some digging on the internet and looking through medical records, I was able to recall their names. Some of the prescriptions I used, when I started and stopped, wasn't as clear, though. So many things happen in life, not to mention chemo and such, that I hope I recalled everything accurately. It was a nice trip through my memory, trying to pinpoint this doctor with how old my kids were at the time, or that doctor who prescribed birth control when I got married. At the end, I agreed to provide a test tube full of my saliva for them to use for DNA purposes. I also signed a bunch of forms, allowing them access to my records and tissue samples. As I was talking with the interviewer, I discovered that the hospital keeps all cancerous tumors on file. They will give out only so much of the tissue to ensure there will always be some tissue remaining. It is strange to think that my cancerous tumor is still around in some medical records somewhere. Hopefully something I said or something in my background or saliva will be a link in the long chain of scientific research on finding what caused my and so many others cancers.

This morning, during my devotional time, I read how often we try to find peace in things when it is found only in a Person. The Peace of God. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippines 4:7. Peace. Not worry. Not being anxious about anything. Not worrying about my upcoming doctor's appointment and mammogram.  Finding true peace, not in how I am feeling but in the truth of God. Making sure I don't miss God in my moments.

That's a summary of my thoughts for tonight. Football, fall colors, friends, brothers, hoping for a cure, and most of all, the Peace of God. 

Battling Colds But So Thankful

As I sat in the study hall at our Monday co-op today, I realized one year ago today I couldn't be here. I was at the hospital on the Monday following my last treatment, getting fluids to try to ward off some of the nausea. Walt took the kids to their classes and my neighbor took me to the cancer center. Back then, we survived because of so many people who stepped into the gap for us. All my muscles were sore, my potassium was so low my oncologist prescribed a supplement. I tried to eat foods high in iron because I was anemic. My doctor told me I needed time for my red blood cells to bounce back. I missed all the soccer games that weekend.

 This was a picture I shot last fall, never in public without my hat  

This was my hair about a month out of chemo...

...but I usually looked more like this (with two of my favorite people!)

This is what I look like tonight, tired, a bit sick, but with  a full head of crazy, curly hair

This weekend I sat through the rain and the cold and enjoyed every second of my boys' games. I love being able to see them play, even though it didn't help my cold any. I enjoy taking my kids to classes, helping them with their school, being involved in their lives. Today, we finished a book we had been reading together, A Ravenmaster's Secret. We loved it! I cried so hard I could barely read. There was a point in the book where everything looked dire, their best plan was foiled. At the end, all the things that looked terrible actually were needed for the ending to work out the way it did. I mentioned to the kids that when we are in the middle of our stories, we might not be able to see what God is doing with the circumstances in our life, but we can trust God who knows how it all will work out. I love how great books open up great discussions.

 After finishing this book, Ben and I continued to read together and finished Kensuke's Kingdom. Another amazing book!! Ben loved it. Throughout the day, he told me that he couldn't stop thinking about the book. I love that he might have found that special book which unlocked the joy of reading for him.

 We have been fighting colds (all except Ben, that is), so we took some extra time to be at home today. Becca stayed home from her class today, and Nathan was still so stuffed up, he didn't think it would be worth it to go to band. That meant only one trip to our co-op today, and I was thankful for the afternoon at home. I managed a short walk (couldn't skip again since I missed yesterday) and then made a huge pot of lentil soup. The kids didn't care for the soup, but I enjoyed it. They liked the cheesy garlic bread I made to go with the soup, and lots of fruit and broccoli. Walt had a meeting, so he wasn't home. I'm not sure he likes lentil soup, either. I'll freeze several containers to warm up when I'm in the mood for the savory soup again. It's so much better than anything I can get from a can.

Becca spent most of the day in her room, trying to stay on top of school as best as she could, while getting rest. After dinner, we went through an Algebra II lesson and she went back up to bed. I still have dishes to finish, but I wanted to make sure I finished this while it was still current in my mind. Even with a cold, I feel thankful for my health today. As the great hymn says, God's mercies are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness, O Lord, our Father. When I look at how far I've come in the past year, I am grateful for the hand of God who led me every step of the way.

Busy Monday

Another busy week has started. I realized last week that taking the kids to Connections (our homeschool co-op) twice in a day, helping the kids with school before and after my trips, and then going to Scouts with Nathan in the evening was too much for me. Although I am feeling strong and in some ways even healthier than before my diagnosis, I still run out of gas quickly. I need to be careful how much I put on my plate each day.

Tonight was Nathan's Court of Honor at Scouts, and as much as I would have liked  to be there to encourage him, I had to say no. Walt didn't have an elder board meeting tonight, so he was able to go. I plan on going to the next one, when he'll hopefully have put together the final requirements for his next rank.  So I just drove Nathan down to the school and returned home while it was still light out.  I helped Becca a bit on her history essay, ate a huge salad and brussels sprouts (instead of the hamburger and hot dog meal for the Court of Honor), and in a few minutes, will spend the rest of my evening reading a book, Kensuke's Kindom, with Ben. He could easily read this book by himself, but we look forward to sharing this great story each day.

This coming Thursday will be my one-year anniversary of my last chemo treatment. I think back at how I felt last year at this time, not quite recovering from my previous treatment, very anemic and tired. Yes, I feel very strong compared to how I felt then. One blogger I read said she had heard that it takes about 13 months after the end of chemo to fully recover. It's easy to forget how sick I was, how much damage the chemo did, and how important it is to take care of myself when I feel pretty good. Thirteen months puts m around Halloween. I'm looking forward to seeing if I feel stronger, able to extend out my day a bit longer, by then.n.

For now, I'll head upstairs for some reading and then hit the hay. Tomorrow will come way too fast otherwise.

Thyroid Update

I've written a ton of posts in my head, but with the start of fall schedules, I haven't been able to write down anything. Our days fly by, and by 9:30, I'm done. My brain is tired and the last thing I want to do is to try to remember what I wanted to write. Tonight, even though it's now almost ten, I'm going to attempt to write at least a few words.

Last week, I met with my endocrinologist for a followup on my thyroid.  I thought my thyroid was shrinking during chemo, but both of my doctors (GP and oncologist)  recently mentioned to me that it looked bigger. So, I make an appointment with Dr. Moore. He mentioned that tamoxifen, with it's role in suppressing estrogen, could also send my thyroid into hypothyroidism. At least that's what I think he said. The other option is hyperthyroidism. Hypo is when the thyroid doesn't make enough thyroid hormones, and hyper means my thyroid is over-producing. He took pictures with an ultrasound and afterwards showed me the pictures. My nodules decreased on one side, but increased on the other. He said I didn't need a biopsy, but he wanted to check my thyroid levels with a blood test. This was my first post-port blood test. The tech was able to access a vein in my arm and filled up the tube quickly. Today I got the results and all my levels are in the normal range. That is good news. Of course I didn't want to take another prescription drug. Thyroids are a bit touchy, and getting the levels right in combination with Tamoxifen could be a challenge. Thankfully, it's not an issue for me now. Hopefully that's the last I need to think about my thyroid until next year when I'll have another follow up appointment.

Since it's after 10 now, I think I'll stop here. This morning I had all sorts of ideas for things to write, but tonight I'm coming up blank. Clearly, it's too late for my brain to be fully functioning. So, time to head to bed. Maybe I'll find a few minutes during the day when I can actually write something interesting.

Just a Normal Fall Weekend

I know it's not technically fall yet, but once school starts, no matter what the official calendar says, it's fall in my book. The lazy days of summer have been replaced with busy days full of school books, co-ops, soccer and lots of activities.

Yesterday, I enjoyed watching Nathan's soccer game. He's on a new team this year, and it should be a fun season. Ben's game got over before we could make it there, but there will be more games I'll be able to see this fall. So much fun! When I got home, I made sure I took time to do little chores around the house, just to stay on top of the clutter that comes out when school starts.

In some ways, it feels like we didn't have a summer, how quickly we jumped back into the school routine. We had a great summer, even though it flew by. I didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked during the summer months, but I expected that. I told myself it was okay to kick back and read books, that going to the beach or walking with friends was more important than cleaning my closet, that, even though I know I will wish I had completed more projects this summer, I will be glad that I soaked up the sun and felt the breeze through my new-grown hair, listened to the birds and my kids chatter, and simply enjoyed life. Enjoyed being healthy, going to very few doctors appointments, not feeling sick.

So, almost seamlessly, we flipped into our busy fall schedules. The kids, resistant to hitting the books at first, adapted quite nicely to the challenges of their new courses. This week we'll start our co-ops, too. Often this week, I remembered how difficult this time of year was for us last year. I would have just had my 5th chemo treatment, one more to go. On Monday, Walt would take the kids to their first day of Connections classes because it would be one of my hard days. I had very little energy to plan or help the kids when they struggled with a subject. Maybe that's why things feel easier this year. I'm sure it's also because we are all stronger because of what we went through last year.

After finishing my chores around the house yesterday, I played tennis with Walt. Becca called during our second set to say she was finished at the barn where she works most Saturdays. We then found some salmon in the freezer and roasted it in the oven. We added some potatoes, lots of veggies and fruit and had a great dinner. Today, we watched the Seahawks beat the Panthers, went for a walk, and relaxed. I think I am ready for the week ahead. I know, that even if I don't feel up to it, I can rely on God who offers grace enough.

I am blessed to be able to spend another year with my kids, to be active and involved. I am thankful for no signs of cancer in my body. While I regret that summer is over, I look with anticipation on what God has planned for this new school year. So many things to be joyful about. On this normal fall weekend, I am grateful.

Yeah for Normal

Just woke up from a long nap after my colonoscopy today. The doctor said I was normal...or at least my colon is. Such a good feeling to be told I won't need another one for ten years. Everyone knows the prep work for this screening is the pits, The hardest part of the laxative is the volume of liquid that must be consumed. Drinking it through a straw and sucking on a lemon after made it go down pretty easily I didn't sleep for the procedure, but I'm noticing that I'm forgetting details. I'm sure that's the drug's side effect..I was thankful my appointment was early in the morning so I could immediately come home, eat a huge bowl of my homemade granola, yogurt and blueberries....then head to bed. I could go back to sleep again now, but I want to be able to sleep tonight so I'm forcing myself to stay awake. Time for a bit of mindless TV. The one nice thing about the test is I don't feel guilty about laying around today.

Summer Update

It's been over a month since my last post. To be honest, it's been a nice break! No news means no news. It's been life, lived with lots of laughter, fun, and ordinary days. It's been a great summer. I guess that almost anything different from how last summer went would be considered great, but this really has been a wonderful summer. Normal life is pretty amazing.

The summer has flown by. It took me a few days of denying it before I could shift gears to at least start planning for next school year. Walt and I took a short but wonderful trip to Skamania Lodge on the Columbia River Gorge while the kids were away at church camp. The kids had a fabulous time, and so did we. We went on a dinner cruise, golfed, played tennis and hiked. We also found a bit of time to read and relax, but since our time was so short, we wanted to experience as much as possible in our time away.

When we got back, it took me several days to realize our long-awaited vacation was over, and that life is still moving and I was so much closer to a busy fall scheduled. Like I said, I need to reconcile that in my brain. Last week I spent several hours trying to finish up Becca's High School transcripts for her freshman year, put away old curriculum, throw out things we won't need anymore and restock her cabinet with new supplies and books. I still have the boys' boxes to go through, but it feels good to get these accomplished.

Walt and Nathan completed a 50 mile bike ride on Saturday. It was Nathan's last requirement for his cycling merit badge. Ben and I met them in Arlington with lunch. They got to the halfway point earlier than expected, so they turned around and came south to meet us. After a bit of difficulty in figuring out which park they were at, Ben and I finally found them.

Walt and Ben goofing around after lunch 

Ben proud of his older brother

I was supposed to meet them back at Snohomish. I wanted to get a picture of them crossing the finish line. Walt said that it'll probably take them longer because they had some hills to climb on the way back. Ben and I did a bit of shopping, and since it was earlier than the agreed upon time, I dropped him off at home so he could play with a friend. Of course, since I was home, I took time to do a few dishes and start a load of laundry... Before I knew it, Walt called and said they were in Snohomish. I missed them again! Taking Becca this time, we drove into Snohomish to greet the tired but happy cyclists. Nathan has worked hard accomplishing this merit badge. Walt was an amazing support for him. Very proud of them!

At the start

My hair is growing back quite nicely. I'm starting to enjoy my curls. On Sunday (when I started this post) I took a picture of me with my new phone.

Tomorrow I'll return, hopefully briefly, to the medical testing world. It's the oh-so-fun colonoscopy. I've given up my favorite foods for days (no nuts, seeds, berries, granola, fresh fruit and veggies), and tonight I'm halfway through the huge liquid drink that helps me cleanse my colon. While the taste isn't the best thing I've ever had, it is tolerable. Actually, better than expected. Since my appointment is at 8 a.m. tomorrow, I need to set my alarm for 2 a.m. to finish drinking the second half. I should probably get to sleep, but I'm waiting to make sure that my trips to the bathroom in round one have finished.

I'll be so glad when the procedure is over tomorrow and I get to eat a nice, big bowl of my homemade granola! Later in the week we are getting away for a few days to a cabin near Mount Baker. Walt and I won this in a fundraising auction. We are grateful for the chance to get away as a family (with friends) to have some fun before school starts. God is good for blessing us in this way. Life is good. We are thankful.

Curls

My hair continues to grow in curly--lots of crazy, unmanageable curls. I always loved the look of curls on other people's heads. Now that I have the curls, I'm not so crazy about them on me. First of all, it's so different from my old hair. I hardly recognize my reflection in the mirror. I've been getting quite a few compliments on my hair, but mostly from friends who know of my battle with chemo baldness. Last year at this time, my hair had recently fallen out. When I went out in public with my hat and scarf, I found myself looking into people's eyes to gauge their reactions. As the months rolled by, I no longer cared how people saw me, because I grew comfortable in my wide assortment of hats. I had no bad hair days. I'd choose a scarf, top it with a hat, and be done. Mornings were easy! Even though I couldn't wait for my hair to grow in, I have to admit that getting ready is a lot more complicated than before. Every morning I now wet down my unruly hair, add a bit of moisturizing cream to prevent frizz, gel down my bangs so they aren't so bouncy (trying to avoid the grandma curls), scrunch up the curls on this side, wet them down again on the other side. Everyday is a new adventure and I never know how it will look. I again catch myself peering at strangers, trying to appraise their reaction to my short hair.  (No, I didn't choose to have my hair this short, I want to say). Just like I grew comfortable in my hats and no longer cared what others felt, I know I'll feel that way soon with my hair. I may even get used to my curls, especially as my hair grows longer. Maybe I'll fall in love with them just as my hair switches back to it's normal texture. It would serve me right for complaining!

My friend Sandra has even given me some pointers on what to do with the curls. She said first of all, don't fight them. Don't try to straighten, brush or blow dry my hair. It will only cause my hair to frizz. (She's exactly right on that!) She told me about the moisturizing creme for curls. I'm looking forward to each stage my hair grows into, and probably will have to navigate a learning curve on what to do with my hair next. Maybe my curls will stick around. Maybe my old hair will grow back or come back. Who knows? Even if it's not my same old hair, at least it is hair. In my bible study today, we talked about the importance of keeping our focus on what we have instead of what we don't.  I may not have my old, longer hair, but today, I have hair. Crazy, curly, unruly hair. But hair. For that, I'm thankful. Really, truly thankful.

Golf & Tennis Weekend

On Saturday, Walt and I joined our friend Rich and Wendy golfing. It had been almost two years since I last golfed, and it wasn't something I was particularly good at. Golf was something I could do with Walt and friends. We go out with friends at least every year around Walt's birthday for 18 holes and dinner.When I got my port put in last year and I couldn't golf, all of sudden golf became elevated in my mind as something I really wanted to do. I thought about it often. Maybe I would even get good by just thinking about it. I wish I could say that, but it wouldn't be true. Instead, my day was full of shanks and slices, bad shots off the green, poor putts... BUT it was fun! Actually, it felt amazing. Healthy. Normal. I told Wendy that had I only focused practicing my short game during the months when I couldn't take a full golf swing, I'd have been pretty good by now. Instead, I'm the same mediocre golfer that I was before...but that's fine with me.

On Sunday, Walt and I were lazing around, enjoying the down time with the kids busy with friends, when I became inspired to try out tennis. We talked the boys and their friends into going up to the high school with us, to get them off the computer and out in the beautiful sunshine. I think it had been even longer since I played tennis, but that came back pretty quickly. My shots were pretty inconsistent and Walt smoked me, but it was such a blast playing again. I felt athletic, even though I tired quickly. I felt strong, even though my returns didn't have the pop I'd hope for. I felt a little more like my old self. When we got home, I jumped on Becca's bike for a quick trip around the neighborhood. I hadn't been on a bike since chemo knocked off my balance, so being on that bike was a milestone of sorts, too.

 On Monday, I took the boys out to play tennis again. Ben got frustrated quickly. He likes to hit the ball hard and overshot the court most of the time. Nathan, who had played a bit last year, caught on really quickly. We made the mistake of playing on our neighborhood court and lost too many balls because of the short fence. When Becca called to see if I could take her and her friends shopping, we decided we had enough of tennis in the hot sun. While we were out shopping, I picked up a bunch of tennis balls for my next outing. So much to do! So many fun adventures to have! Bring on summer!  

Happy Independance Day

Walt, the boys, and I went up to Glacier Peak this morning for a workout. Nathan is working on his personal fitness merit badge for Boy Scouts, which is also a good excuse for all of us to develop our own personal fitness. I can out-walk my boys, but they can outrun me (at least for now)! We warmed up with a light jog, did some pushups, sit ups, planks and dips. Then we ran a mile. I mostly walked it, Ben mostly ran it, Nathan ran the whole way--even though he's recovering from a bee sting on his foot--and Walt smoked us all. It was a fun way to start our 4th of July celebration. Then Walt took the kids to buy fireworks while I worked in the yard.

As I was pulling weeds, I thought back to last 4th of July. I was on steroids in preparation for chemo the next day. It would be my second round, and my taste for food had recovered. I remember being at our friends' house eating salads and salsa and fresh fruit, and enjoying every bite of it. I knew that starting tomorrow, I wouldn't feel like eating for a while. What a difference a year makes! I love that I do not have to go in for chemo tomorrow! However, I know that for some people, chemo marks their July 5th. My heart breaks for them. As I pulled weeds this morning, I prayed for them, whoever they are. I prayed that I would never have to go through it again, but know that I will follow God's plan, whatever that may be. In a book I'm reading, Anything by Jennie Allen, she quotes a girl named Rachel, who said, "You have to thank God for the seemingly good and the seemingly bad because really, you don't know the difference."

I know that the hardest things in my life brought me closer to God. Last summer I developed new friendships and deepened existing ones as they traveled alongside me on this journey. Going through the side effects of chemo allows me the ability to appreciate feeling good, being active, tasting foods. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life has defined the most beautiful things around me. And, it has given me more of God. That's why, no matter what happens, I know I can say, "I trust God."

Talk about freedom on Independence Day!

Starbucks

After Becca's orthodontic appointment today, we stopped at Starbucks. She sipped on a double chocolate chip frap and I relished an iced vanilla latte as we drove home. A memory of last summer's aversion to coffee flashed through my mind, which made me enjoy all the more the cool sweetness of today's latte. Most of my meals these days include a fresh salad, and I remember not being able to tolerate raw veggies last year at this time. Every food I eat, from the fresh picked strawberries delivered to my door, to the pupusas that my mother-in-law made for last night's dinner, help to lead me to thankfulness. Why would a piece of romaine do this? It's because last summer, I dreamt of the day I could have a salad. And a latte. And to eat raw broccoli without having my stomach rebel. Every day I can enjoy great food is a blessing. The good thing is you don't have to go through a summer of chemo to enjoy the blessings God has showered on us. It's all around us, to be sipped, tasted, enjoyed. Try it and see if life doesn't taste all the sweeter!

Baseball

Yesterday I  had my follow-up with my surgeon. I thought I was meeting with his PA, but I guess she had the day off. Everything looks  good and it feels even better once the steri-strips were removed. They were starting to itch. My muscles in that area are recovering, so I think I might try to swing a golf club this weekend, just to see what happens.

Ben and his teammates line up to receive their medals

Last night, Ben's Little League  All-Stars Team was in the championship game of a local tournament. They were the only undefeated team and expectations ran high. Unfortunately, the team came out flat, not hitting as they had done all tournament long and making too many mistakes. They lost to a very good team. Many boys were fighting tears as they received their second placed medals, but they played their hearts out, which is what really matters.

During the pre-game festivities, I couldn't help think what a privilege I had being there. Not watching Ben in the championship game, although that was fun, but to be here, experiencing life and health. Last year when Ben played in this tournament, I had just started chemo. I wasn't feeling well enough to keep the scorebook as I usually do. God has been so faithful through this past year, to bring me back to this moment, and allowing the boys to have such a fun run of it. Since we had the best record out of pool play, we had the advantage of being home team every game, so I got to keep the official book, and Nathan helped with pitch count. Before the game, a local high school student sang the National Anthem, and as I listened to her sweet voice, I thought, this is what matters. These are the moments that count. We live each day as best as we can. We battle whatever challenges we face with God's strength, and win or lose, we keep on fighting. This makes life rich. It makes each day count. At the end of the day, win or lose, we can say we lived well.

Signed Baseball and Medal 

I have to admit, watching Ben play, I got a bit prideful. I wanted the other coaches in our league to see what type of player he was. Then I finally realized, what matters most is not what other people think, but what God thinks. Ben played his heart out, made some pretty spectacular plays in the field, struck out some good hitters when he pitched, and got some key base hits. He also walked a few batters, threw the ball wide, and struck out.  I still couldn't love him more. Even if he had hit a homerun that won the game, I couldn't have loved  him more. No matter what he did, whether he won or lost, played well or stunk up the field, I couldn't have loved him more. God does an even better job at loving than I do. That's the surety we have in our relationship with God. Even though I mess up, place too high of importance on things that don't matter, let my sinful pride get in the way, God couldn't love me more. He uses circumstances to bring us closer to Him, to keep us humble, to keep our eyes on what really matters. My chemo last year was a means God used to keep my eyes on Him.Walking in faith with Him every day without certainty that my cancer is gone for good is a way that I learn to trust God in all things.  Sometimes He uses losses in championship games for us to keep our focus on the important. Even though Ben was heartbroken after the game and didn't want to go out to eat to celebrate second place, once we got home and he had a little time to himself, he was laughing and eating when the pizza came. Even though the loss was hard, I know he learned more than if he had won. Just like the hard things we go through in life. It's because God loves us best that we go through it.

Graduation Day!

That's what my family is calling today, the day I got my port removed. The procedure went well, quicker than I expected. I'm glad I decided to do it with just a local anesthesia. It was nice to see the doctor doing his job for once! (I was sleeping the other two times he operated on me.) The nurse asked if I wanted the port for "show and tell." I declined. Other than when Dr. Clinch shot me full of the numbing solution, I didn't feel any pain. I did feel tugging, and while I tried not to look at what was being done, I could see out of the corner of my eye Dr. Clinch pulling out the long tubing from my chest. I also saw him put in the stitches. The nurse was really sweet, holding my hand during the painful injections and talking to me about her garden. I told her I was good at growing weeds, which got a chuckle from both of them. Then it was over and I was walked into recovery where I received my after-care information. I was told to limit my activity for 24 hours and not do anything strenuous for at least 2 days.   Lydia, my mother-in-law, came with me to keep me company. I even felt well enough afterwards for a quick trip to my favorite grocery store, Trader Joes.

My surgery was at 9 a.m,, and as I write this, it's about 5 and I feel sleepy. The pain is settling in on my shoulder and neck. I'm so thankful for my friend Wendy who is able to pick up my kids for a youth activity tonight. Even my nephew David will join them as they gather in the church to watch Star Wars. Everyone else but Lydia and I will be gone, so I'm looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet.

This was my last big step in my journey, what I hope is the period on the end of treatment. I know there's no guarantees and every day I will be trusting God for whatever He has planned. I know He will be there, no matter what that means. My extended family gave me roses and a sweet card to celebrate my graduation. When I feel better, I look forward to celebrating being without my port on the golf course soon.

What a Difference a Year Makes

Last year, on June 14th, I had my first chemo. Yesterday, instead of sitting in a chemo chair, I sat in a salon chair to have my hair colored and "styled." My hair is still too short for my liking, and my chemo curls are unwieldy, but, at least it's looking closer to normal hair.  Here I am...

I've been out a couple of times without my hat. After wearing hats for almost a year, it feels strange to have my head uncovered. At the same time, it is freeing as I now feel the breeze blow through my hair. It's definitely cooler. I'm not getting rid of my hats because they are fun to wear, and until my hair grows a bit more, still easier for those days when the curls just won't settle down.

A year ago today, Walt drove me into the cancer clinic for a white-blood booster shot. Today, Walt and I enjoyed a walk through our neighborhoods. A year ago, I still had a bit of energy because of the steroids I needed, but I was starting to feel nauseous. Today, even though I hate cleaning and am trying to work up the energy to finish the final prep before our family arrives, I realize I have it good. In my book, any day without chemo and its side effects is a good day. I still got frustrated when the kids ate chips on the bonus room couch after I just vacuumed it, or left wet towels on the floor of the bathroom. But, when I remember how far I've come in this year and think about what is important, I can't help but feel blessed. Richly, unbelievably blessed. My house will never be as clean as I'd like it to be (I'm incapable of performing at that level), but together with my family, we'll pitch in and do the best we can. Then our family will arrive, and the house won't matter. Yes, it's a really good day!

Deportation Day Scheduled

I met briefly with my surgeon today. Everything's a go for taking out my port. The earliest he could fit me in was next Wednesday. I had the option to just numb the area or have anesthesia... I chose the first so I could drive home myself afterwards. What's a little pain on the front end to make it easier the rest of the way? Walt will be gone that day. I had hoped to schedule it this week, since Walt's family is in town for the next two weeks, but he was booked. His next available opening wasn't until July, so I took this option. It shouldn't be a long procedure and recovery should be pretty quick. (Well, that's what the surgeon says... we'll see what it is in real life!)

Finishing Herceptin

Last Thursday was my final trip to the hospital for Herceptin. I met with my doctor before my infusion. She went over my bloodwork from three weeks ago and said my estrogen level had gone up slightly. While we thought I was in menopause, I might still be hovering in perimenopause-land. Because my cancer fed off estrogen,  having an increase in my system is worrisome. My doctor explained that I still have tamoxifen working for me, how the tamoxifen locks onto the estrogen receptors in cells, blocking them from feeding off estrogen. I asked  my doctor if I should consider having my ovaries removed. She said she doesn't have a definitive answer on that. My risk of ovarian cancer is low, and I have tamoxifen working in my favor right now.  If I had a larger tumor and/or lymph node involvement, she would encourage it. I'm kind of in a gray area, she said. She would support me if I choose to go that way but she wasn't leaning that way. In fact, she recommended that I enjoy my summer with no procedures, wait for the results of the blood test in October, and we'll revisit it again. If I have my ovaries removed, I'd switch off tamoxifen to an aromatase inhibitor. I know the side effects of tamoxifen and everything so far is tolerable. I don't know how I'll react to the other drug which.has been known to cause severe bone pain and bone loss. Right now, today, I am not going to worry about that step. I'm taking my doctor's advice and plan to enjoy my summer. We'll talk about it again in the fall.

After leaving her office, I went for Herceptin, my last one, hopefully forever. Ironically, I had the same nurse who gave me my first round of chemo, Erika. It was nice to chat with her about our kids. She mentioned in the old place, she used to see patients when they come in for follow ups with the doctor. Now that the infusion area and the doctor's offices are so separate, she doesn't see many of her former patients again. Unless they come back, which we always hopes doesn't happen. Because I was one of the first appointments of the day, everything went smoothly and I got out of there in record time.

Since Trader Joes is right down the street from the hospital, I made a stop there, and overloaded my bags since I wasn't sure when it would be so convenient to go again. I  also went to a nearby shop that sells used homeschooling materials to pick up a biology dissection kit for next year. Then I raced home, packed the kids into the car with their beach stuff and food, and went to celebrate my finishing of treatment. A few friends met us there. It was nice and relaxing, chatting, watching the ferries come and go, being surprised by a seal popping its head through the surface, relishing life.

We got home a few minutes before 5 and I raced to call my surgeon and schedule an appointment for my port to be removed. Unfortunately, the office was already closed and I had to wait for Monday to talk with someone. I was able to get an appointment with my surgeon this Wednesday. It's a short, pre-op appointment and we'll then schedule the port removal. (I guess I'll be back down near Trader Joes again!) As much as the port has been useful with all the infusions and blood draws I've had, I will enjoy not having it any more. I'm looking forward to trying to golf and play tennis again. It's been a long year. Having my port removed will be like putting the final punctuation on this chapter.

Sweet, Sweet Relief!

As soon as I heard her voice, I knew it was okay. "I have good news," my nurse practitioner stated brightly. "You do not carry the faulty BRCA gene." Yes!!! Yes!! Praise God!!! Tears flowed as I thanked her for calling. God's timing was perfect, too. I mentioned in my last blog post how everytime the phone rang, I panicked a bit. I was not looking forward to that moment when I realized I was answering a call from my doctor's office, those few seconds of worry before hearing what the results were. When the call came tonight, I was driving to Ben's baseball game. I couldn't tell who the call was from, but quickly realized this was the call I had been anticipating for days. Before I knew what was happening, I had the answer I was praying for. To have it come so sweetly, so perfectly, I know it could only have been orchestrated by my loving Father.

On Sunday during my bible study, we listened to a DVD presentation by Priscilla Schirer, and she described a time when she was thankful for unanswered prayer, now that she sees more of the reason God answered her prayers with a no. She said that when she prays now, she adds, "But God, if you want to do something better, that's fine with me!"

I have been praying for God's plan, for His will, for His better. Was I at the point of accepting a positive test result with the same thankfulness as the actual negative one prompted? I doubt it, but I was willing to be willing. I was open to what God deemed His best for me and my family, knowing He would provide all I needed. I am so utterly thankful that this is His answer, but I don't love God more. Nothing He could do would change my love for Him. God's already done more than I deserve. I have His promise of heaven to look forward to, to hold secure.Everything else is just frosting on the cupcake. I am so glad that today I am tasting sweet, sweet frosting! Thanks so much for all of your prayers. It is an honor to run this journey with you.

And in case you were wondering, Ben won his game, 9-8, to top off a beautiful day.

Still Waiting

"For I am the LORD, your GOD, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.' "
Isaiah 41:13

I'm still waiting on the results of the BRCA test. Today was the first day this week that my heart didn't pound every time the phone rang. It is, after all, Saturday, and I don't expect to hear from my doctor on the weekend. I thought I'd have heard by now, but between the Memorial Day holiday and perhaps a huge increase of the number of tests flooding Myriad Labs (which is the only place the test is performed), I think it'll take longer than originally expected. I plan on calling my doctor early next week to make sure they aren't sitting on the test results for whatever reason. I have an appointment scheduled for Friday (my last Herceptin!), and my doctor may plan on giving me the test results in person. She has done that in the past when I had follow-up tests on my heart, but I'd like to hear on this test as soon as they get word.

While I wait, I'll remember that God longs to be gracious and compassionate to all of us. No matter what the results reveal, God has a plan.

As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.

Psalm 18:30

One Year Ago Today

On this day a year ago, I started this blog. One year ago today, I was recovering from my re-excision surgery. One year ago today, I was waiting on test results before proceeding onto chemo (hopefully) and not more surgery. A year ago, I was restless to start treatment, not because I was eager for chemo, but I was ready to begin the battle. Plus, the sooner it would start, the sooner it all would be over.

Today, a year later, I am waiting for a test result of a different kind. Had I known of this potential genetic link to my grandmother last year, I would have had this test done then. If I found out I was positive, I would have gone along a different, more difficult road of surgery prior to chemo. It would have meant a mastectomy but probably not radiation. A major surgery with a lot longer recovery time before chemo, but the end of my treatment wouldn't have included seven weeks of daily trips to the hospital, getting radiation that might be unnecessary.

Now, if I find out I'm positive for this faulty gene, I will have the additional surgeries, despite having gone the path of lumpectomy and radiation the first time. How do I feel about all this? I try not to dwell on it. It is what it is. I made my decision using the best information I had at the time. Like last year, my family is praying that the results are negative. Unlike last year, my siblings will be directly affected if the test comes out positive, as they would have a 50% chance of also having the faulty gene. My kids, too...

Yet, I also know that God has a plan. He has seen me through every step of this journey. When I am afraid, I will turn to Him. I will continue to:

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.  Psalm 118:1

When I focus on praising God, no matter what, my fear disappears. It is a lesson I've learned through this year. Each day God gives me just enough to handle whatever comes my way. God is in this moment, right where I need to be. Waiting, but waiting with God.

BRCA Testing

Today was  my second to the last Herceptin appointment. I also had a blood draw. For some reason, my white count was low...well, I think it was the same as it was the last time I had it drawn, but it should have improved. My oncologist was on vacation (which is a rare event for her), so I met with a nurse practitioner, Lynley Fow. She burst into the room, darted out to get some soap because the dispenser was empty in the room, mentioned she had a fleck of mascara underneath her contacts that was bugging her, commented that she kept getting texts from Dr. Kohn when she should be enjoying her vacation, and then said something about my blood count being low and was I feeling okay. I told her that I was feeling fine, wasn't too overly tired, so she shrugged and said it probably wasn't anything. My head was spinning a bit and I forgot to ask her for a copy of my counts, but I'm confident that if it is disconcerting, my oncologist will be on top of it when she returns from her vacation. Lynley then checked my records and mentioned how I was almost done with Herceptin, and I told her I was happy about this but also a bit nervous. She reminded me that I would still be seeing the doctor every three months for the next few years and would still have Tamoxifin working for me, so I wouldn't be totally cut loose. 

I then mentioned that I had discovered some information on my family medical history that I wanted to discuss. A couple of years ago, my sister Patty had a tumor on her ovary that was not cancerous but was "borderline." Her gynecologist, after finding out about my breast cancer diagnosis, mentioned to Patty that we  should get genetic testing.  At first, I was resistant to believing we could have this hereditary link. She then reminded me of our grandmother, my dad's mom, who died of cancer at 44. My dad was a teenager so, of course, we never met her. Plus, we were told she died of stomach cancer. Seventy years ago when she died, the medical world didn't have the testing they do today on cancer. By the time she was treated, cancer had spread all throughout her stomach. It could have been ovarian cancer that spread. We won't know for sure. The nurse practitioner agreed that genetic testing should be looked into. She checked the requirements from my insurance on getting the test, and if my grandmother had ovarian cancer and with my cancer diagnosis at age 50, I would qualify to have insurance pay for the $3800 BRCA 1 and 2 test. So, I had three more vials of blood drawn and will know in a week or two the results.

Even though I qualified to have this test, I have a 10% chance of having this faulty gene. The faulty gene, which is passed down from parent to child, increases a person's risk of developing ovarian, breast, pancreatic and prostrate cancers. If I have this gene, my breast cancer risk increases from under 10% now to up to 87%. With this gene mutation, my risk of ovarian cancer increases from less than 1% to 44%. This has hit the news recently when Angelina Jolie revealed she tested positive for the BRCA 1 gene. The reason I believe it is important to authorize this test is to plan further steps in decreasing my risk. Yup, that'll probably mean  more surgery. However, more than just me, I also feel it is important to know if we have this genetic link for my kids and my siblings. If I have the BRCA gene mutation, then my sisters and brother would have 50% chance of having it, too. And so would my children.  

My prayer is that God  would be gracious on us and our family and that my test would come back negative. I'd appreciate your prayers on this, too. 

Anniversary Musings...

I've just passed a lot of "anniversaries" while I live life on this side of treatment. Even though I didn't blog about them all, every day I would think back a year ago and what I was facing. 

Today I had to be at the hospital at 7:30 a.m. for my MRI biopsy. 

Today I met my oncologist for the first time... and the second time, and she ran late and we had to call in the help of friends to get the boys to their baseball games.

Received good news on the other pathology reports so I scheduled my surgery. Then there was the second surgery because the margins weren't big enough...

The first meeting with my naturopath...

So many appointments, lots of recovery, lots of information and blessings.Spring was a whirlwind of obstacles last year, but it wasn't nearly as difficult as the summer.  As I think about my days, these days, I love that I am going to the beach for a field trip with Ben's class...cheering on the sidelines for the boys games... encouraging Becca to use better words in her essays...laughing with her about her day at the barn...enjoying the simple life of being here for my family. Today I taught Ben's class at our co-op. He came up to me later and said, "You did a good job today." That's what it's all about... living the life God has given me with the kids He has blessed us with... Nothing better than that!

Taking a Deep Breath

Yesterday was a banner day for our family. I went back in for a mammogram and everything looks stable. I'll go back in six months to monitor things, but for now, I'm praising God for a chance to celebrate another day of good health. Walt also landed a huge client this week, so last night we went out to dinner to celebrate God's blessings on our family. Last year, between my cancer and his job, it was a rough year for both of us. It's so nice to have some breathing room in our lives.

I just finished reading A Book of Days by James Rubert. While the book was so-so, the premise was interesting. If you could access a book that would tell you the future, would you want to know? I wouldn't. I look back at my journal from the early days of 2012 and am thankful that I had no idea thehealth challenge that was lurking around the corner. Instead, I enjoyed my days loving my family, teaching the kids, celebrating the boys' birthdays, getting ready for another season of Little League baseball, and driving Becca to all her activities. When I found out on April 20th that we were undergoing a divine interruption, I'm thankful that God provided exactly what we needed each moment of every day for the rest of the year and beyond. Taking one step at a time, focusing on the moment, praying about everything was how we navigated 2012. If I knew on January 1 what our year ahead would offer, I would have wasted all the moments before worrying about what was ahead.

As I am basking in the peace of my clear mammogram, I know that with cancer, I can never be sure that there won't be a test down the road that will come back with scary news. There could also be decades of clean health. I don't know what the future holds. I do know Who holds my future. I'm thankful  that God has a book of days that He records every moment--past, present and future. He knows what my days ahead will be like. He promises He will provide the strength to walk each step with Him. Right now, and tomorrow, and as long as I can, I am breathing deeply in the  knowledge that God's plan for me and our family is good.

In Quietness and Trust is Your Strength

I read Isaiah 30:15 this morning. The full text reads as follows:

 This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,
    but you would have none of it."

How often am I guilty of rushing through my day, worrying about things out of my control, completing to-do lists that may not be what God would want? Today I am reminded to slow down, to rest in Jesus, to listen to God in quiet, to trust in Him, not myself, not my circumstances, not the world. 

I have been battling a war on my thoughts. April will probably always bring up these memories. My back has been achy again...mostly if I stand or sit too long... I'm back to icing and ibuprofen so that it goes away 100%. In my head, I know I've had a stressful couple of weeks, between a snowstorm in Denver, coming back from spring break to a ton of school and the stress that means for all of us as we try to finish out this year with excellence, lots of running around to scouts and baseball and other activities...sitting outside in the cold, shivering, watching my boys play baseball... I know in my head this is still that muscle that wasn't fully healed when my stress settled back again. In my head, I want to disregard any pain that I am feeling. Yet, my mind wanders to the "...what if it's something more?" So, in repentance of my fear, I turn to God. In rest (and exercise...isn't that the best relief from stress?), I turn to God. In quietness, blocking out the voices of the world and my own mind, I turn to God. In trust, I turn to God. God is my salvation and strength. Nothing else. I don't want to be like the Israelites and be told...."but you would have none of it." I want it! 

On to good news, a friend of mine who was called back for a second mammogram received positive news yesterday. She is going to biopsy one little cyst, just to make sure, but it looks very good. I am rejoicing that God spared her this journey! I'm thankful that she is being diligent,despite the fear of finding out something bad, to be screened. Had I been more diligent from the very beginning, I might have caught mine earlier. Yet, I can also be thankful that I caught mine before it spread to the lymph nodes. That definitely makes my prognosis better. While we all need to do our parts to stay on schedule with our screenings, we also have to remember that God is in control. In quietness and trust is our strength... 

One Year Ago This Race Began

On this date a year ago, I received the phone call that confirmed my breast cancer and set us on this crazy journey. I remember hearing the doctor's words and trying not to think as I focused on what he was saying. Then I called Walt. I went out onto the front porch to tell him out of earshot of the kids. It was harder for me to tell him I had cancer than to hear it myself. I knew he would be upset and I hated to be the source of those feelings. I then sent out an email to my friends and family, unable to speak anymore. I remember my friends coming over to pray and support me. My email inbox overflowed with encouragement and love. The nurse soon called with specific details about my cancer (I was able to write it down this time) and a list of appointments for the next week. I still remember her encouraging me to relax and try to do something fun during the weekend because they were going to keep me busy the following week. A MRI, biopsies and pathology reports followed, but we were thankful that no more cancer was found. So many appointments with doctors ensued. Lots of decisions to be made. In some ways, this year has flown by. These memories are as vivid as if it were last week. In other ways, we've climbed so many giant mountains, staggered through deep valleys, cried so many tears that this year seemed to last a lifetime. Through it all, we held tight to the hand of God, and He was faithful and merciful and loving. I don't know what this upcoming year has in store, but we know that God will be there. It is the one blessed certainty in our journey.

This morning we found out that a mom with two sons in Nathan's Scout Troop died this morning. I've been in tears as I think of  her precious children, similar ages to mine. I remember talking with her husband last spring about her breast cancer which spread to her brain. That was when I discovered for the first time that her cancer started in her breast because I only knew her after it was in her brain. She was on chemo for over four years. She lived her life with grace and determination.She had a strong faith in Jesus and is now with Him. She will be greatly missed here, though. Her husband, in an email to the troop, requested, in lieu of flowers, for us to use the money making a memory with our children. What a bittersweet reminder of how fleeting life can be and what is truly important.

When my life starts feeling a bit emotional, as it has been lately, I return to the source of all hope and comfort, Jesus. In Jesus Today, Sarah Young writes: "Put your hope in Me (Jesus) and My Unfailing Love will rest upon you... No matter what is happening in your life today, my story has an amazingly happy ending. My finished work on the cross secured this heavenly hope for you, and it is absolutely assured. Moreover, knowing that your story finishes well can fill your present journey with Joy."

Off to finish off this day, filled with Joy, not because of my circumstances but because of Who is in control of them!


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Last Day of Spring Break (sort of)

After being stuck in a blizzard trying to fly out of Colorado, this downpour of rain isn't so bad. Nathan had his practice cancelled, so I had some extra time to put food in the crockpot, clean the kitchen and work on my bible study. I have to prep for the high school lit class I am teaching next week, but, like the kids, it's been hard to get motivated. I've been pretty tired since getting back from our trip, so I guess it's okay for me to use this extra time to recover. The kids and I will probably regret the lack of work that was accomplished in the past couple of days...or not. Sometimes a time of refreshment away from the workload provides just the energy needed to be more productive when we do jump back in. We all hope so!

I ran into my friend Lori at Costco today. She was diagnosed with breast cancer over four years ago. We've been in contact since my diagnosis, but this is the first time I've seen her. It was the second time I've run into her at Costco. I complemented her on her beautiful, shoulder length hair. She smiled and said she's proof hair grows back. I told her I'm enjoying that, too, and am very glad it's not growing back in the tight corkscrew curls she described with her hair. We talked about the importance of living in the today, especially the further away from treatment we get, but it's a good lesson to learn for everyone.

I certainly enjoyed spending time with my family on our trip. I told Becca that even though it was a tiring trip, and we had to battle the weather and long shuttle drives, it was so worth investing in the people in our lives. She was thankful to spend time with her grandpa, aunts, uncle, cousins, and second cousins. Of course, she was a bit overwhelmed when she saw all the extended family converge on our condo the first night. With my Aunt Enie's gift of playing games and a horseback ride to connect with the girls she didn't know, Becca was soon fitting right in. She  was sad to see everyone leave for the airport as our time together came to an end. One nice blessing of having our early morning plane cancelled was we were able to get on the same plane in the afternoon with Nicole. We were the last three to leave the hotel and then the airport. We had time  to connect with my dad and help him get to the right gate that had changed after he checked in. We helped him navigate the way Southwest organizes passengers for boarding and received one final hug from him before he left for Arizona. Since that was also our gate for our flight an ninety minutes later, we were able to enjoy a leisurely lunch and play one of the card games Aunt Enie taught Becca.  Nicole, who had an earlier boarding position than we had, was able to save two seats in her row for us. Such a blessing to have a smooth trip home after the chaos of the day before. It was a great trip, and I am thankful for all the great talks, hugs, memories, songs and laughs we shared during those four days in Colorado.

Posting from Colorado

I had intended to blog about the fun Easter we had, but now it's almost a week later and I have too many other things to say. One thing I wanted to mention is that when Jesus came back and showed Himself to the disciples, the first thing He said was, "Peace be with you." I know, too, that when my eyes are on Him and His word and I'm not overspending my time and energy on cancer blogs and websites, I, too, experience His peace. It's a great reminder as I continue this journey of surviving cancer.

Today I'm in Fort Collins, Colorado. I have been having a great time reconnecting with my extended family, taking long walks and seeing the sun. This morning my sister Patty, my dad and I took a leisurely stroll to the grocery store. Then I took a quicker trip down around Colorado State University and a bit of Old Towne. Then Patty and I walked to New Belgium Brewery where my brother, John, works. My aunt Enie, dad, and some other family met us there, and John gave us a fun tour. After eating a delicious spinach salad for lunch, I took another walk to see if I could find a book light. Even though I was unsuccessful in my shopping, I cannot ask for nicer scenery or weather. On one of my walks, I even got to chat with Walt back home via phone. Becca went with the rest of our family to take a horseback ride in Estes Park. They stopped at a few shops and had lunch on the way home and haven't gotten back yet. I'm eager to hear how her day went.

On the Thursday before I left for Colorado, I thought I had a 9 a.m. appointment for Herceptin. After battling traffic and rushing for my appointment, I got there only to discover that my appointment was switched to noon, and I needed to see the doctor, too. After a bit further investigation, I discovered the mis-communication happened when I wasn't aware that Dr. Kohn wanted to check in with me after my Echo and I should have picked up a revised schedule the last time I was in the hospital. So, I had to rearrange my day to get kids to their lit co-op and a backup plan for Becca's horseback lesson in case I couldn't make it back in time. I went home for a few hours to help the kids with school and get a few things done and returned for my second trip to the hospital.

Dr. Kohn explained that the result of my echo wasn't worrisome. My baseline echo showed an ejection fraction of 60-65. My previous echo saw a drop to 55. This recent echo had a range of 55-60. She thinks it's probably a normal range of my heart, especially since I haven't experienced any other side effects of heart problems. So, that should be the final echo I'll need to undergo. My next Herceptin is April 26, which I'll do along with my mammogram. Then I have one Herceptin and doctor visit in May, and my last Herceptin and doctor visit is on June 7th! That date is one week prior to the year anniversary of my first chemo treatment. After my mammogram hopefully comes out clear, and I have nothing else worrisome, I will be asking Dr. Kohn when I can get my port removed. For the most part, the port hasn't been a problem, but it does prevent me from swinging a golf cub or tennis racket. I look forward to doing both of those sports again.

Becca and the gang just got back from Estes Park. She had a fun time on a chestnut and white horse named Lakota. Her aunt Sue bought her a new Estes Park sweatshirt. She's looking tired but happy. Everyone filled the room with stories of their horses and which ones wanted to eat or was too slow or was just perfect. I'm running out of battery right now, so I'm going to wrap up this latest report. My cousin Kevin is sitting on the couch with me, and my other cousin Joe came in to watch the last half of the Wichita State Louisville basketball game. I think I'll be social now and help with dinner prep.