Baseball

Yesterday I  had my follow-up with my surgeon. I thought I was meeting with his PA, but I guess she had the day off. Everything looks  good and it feels even better once the steri-strips were removed. They were starting to itch. My muscles in that area are recovering, so I think I might try to swing a golf club this weekend, just to see what happens.

Ben and his teammates line up to receive their medals

Last night, Ben's Little League  All-Stars Team was in the championship game of a local tournament. They were the only undefeated team and expectations ran high. Unfortunately, the team came out flat, not hitting as they had done all tournament long and making too many mistakes. They lost to a very good team. Many boys were fighting tears as they received their second placed medals, but they played their hearts out, which is what really matters.

During the pre-game festivities, I couldn't help think what a privilege I had being there. Not watching Ben in the championship game, although that was fun, but to be here, experiencing life and health. Last year when Ben played in this tournament, I had just started chemo. I wasn't feeling well enough to keep the scorebook as I usually do. God has been so faithful through this past year, to bring me back to this moment, and allowing the boys to have such a fun run of it. Since we had the best record out of pool play, we had the advantage of being home team every game, so I got to keep the official book, and Nathan helped with pitch count. Before the game, a local high school student sang the National Anthem, and as I listened to her sweet voice, I thought, this is what matters. These are the moments that count. We live each day as best as we can. We battle whatever challenges we face with God's strength, and win or lose, we keep on fighting. This makes life rich. It makes each day count. At the end of the day, win or lose, we can say we lived well.

Signed Baseball and Medal 

I have to admit, watching Ben play, I got a bit prideful. I wanted the other coaches in our league to see what type of player he was. Then I finally realized, what matters most is not what other people think, but what God thinks. Ben played his heart out, made some pretty spectacular plays in the field, struck out some good hitters when he pitched, and got some key base hits. He also walked a few batters, threw the ball wide, and struck out.  I still couldn't love him more. Even if he had hit a homerun that won the game, I couldn't have loved  him more. No matter what he did, whether he won or lost, played well or stunk up the field, I couldn't have loved him more. God does an even better job at loving than I do. That's the surety we have in our relationship with God. Even though I mess up, place too high of importance on things that don't matter, let my sinful pride get in the way, God couldn't love me more. He uses circumstances to bring us closer to Him, to keep us humble, to keep our eyes on what really matters. My chemo last year was a means God used to keep my eyes on Him.Walking in faith with Him every day without certainty that my cancer is gone for good is a way that I learn to trust God in all things.  Sometimes He uses losses in championship games for us to keep our focus on the important. Even though Ben was heartbroken after the game and didn't want to go out to eat to celebrate second place, once we got home and he had a little time to himself, he was laughing and eating when the pizza came. Even though the loss was hard, I know he learned more than if he had won. Just like the hard things we go through in life. It's because God loves us best that we go through it.

Graduation Day!

That's what my family is calling today, the day I got my port removed. The procedure went well, quicker than I expected. I'm glad I decided to do it with just a local anesthesia. It was nice to see the doctor doing his job for once! (I was sleeping the other two times he operated on me.) The nurse asked if I wanted the port for "show and tell." I declined. Other than when Dr. Clinch shot me full of the numbing solution, I didn't feel any pain. I did feel tugging, and while I tried not to look at what was being done, I could see out of the corner of my eye Dr. Clinch pulling out the long tubing from my chest. I also saw him put in the stitches. The nurse was really sweet, holding my hand during the painful injections and talking to me about her garden. I told her I was good at growing weeds, which got a chuckle from both of them. Then it was over and I was walked into recovery where I received my after-care information. I was told to limit my activity for 24 hours and not do anything strenuous for at least 2 days.   Lydia, my mother-in-law, came with me to keep me company. I even felt well enough afterwards for a quick trip to my favorite grocery store, Trader Joes.

My surgery was at 9 a.m,, and as I write this, it's about 5 and I feel sleepy. The pain is settling in on my shoulder and neck. I'm so thankful for my friend Wendy who is able to pick up my kids for a youth activity tonight. Even my nephew David will join them as they gather in the church to watch Star Wars. Everyone else but Lydia and I will be gone, so I'm looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet.

This was my last big step in my journey, what I hope is the period on the end of treatment. I know there's no guarantees and every day I will be trusting God for whatever He has planned. I know He will be there, no matter what that means. My extended family gave me roses and a sweet card to celebrate my graduation. When I feel better, I look forward to celebrating being without my port on the golf course soon.

What a Difference a Year Makes

Last year, on June 14th, I had my first chemo. Yesterday, instead of sitting in a chemo chair, I sat in a salon chair to have my hair colored and "styled." My hair is still too short for my liking, and my chemo curls are unwieldy, but, at least it's looking closer to normal hair.  Here I am...

I've been out a couple of times without my hat. After wearing hats for almost a year, it feels strange to have my head uncovered. At the same time, it is freeing as I now feel the breeze blow through my hair. It's definitely cooler. I'm not getting rid of my hats because they are fun to wear, and until my hair grows a bit more, still easier for those days when the curls just won't settle down.

A year ago today, Walt drove me into the cancer clinic for a white-blood booster shot. Today, Walt and I enjoyed a walk through our neighborhoods. A year ago, I still had a bit of energy because of the steroids I needed, but I was starting to feel nauseous. Today, even though I hate cleaning and am trying to work up the energy to finish the final prep before our family arrives, I realize I have it good. In my book, any day without chemo and its side effects is a good day. I still got frustrated when the kids ate chips on the bonus room couch after I just vacuumed it, or left wet towels on the floor of the bathroom. But, when I remember how far I've come in this year and think about what is important, I can't help but feel blessed. Richly, unbelievably blessed. My house will never be as clean as I'd like it to be (I'm incapable of performing at that level), but together with my family, we'll pitch in and do the best we can. Then our family will arrive, and the house won't matter. Yes, it's a really good day!

Deportation Day Scheduled

I met briefly with my surgeon today. Everything's a go for taking out my port. The earliest he could fit me in was next Wednesday. I had the option to just numb the area or have anesthesia... I chose the first so I could drive home myself afterwards. What's a little pain on the front end to make it easier the rest of the way? Walt will be gone that day. I had hoped to schedule it this week, since Walt's family is in town for the next two weeks, but he was booked. His next available opening wasn't until July, so I took this option. It shouldn't be a long procedure and recovery should be pretty quick. (Well, that's what the surgeon says... we'll see what it is in real life!)

Finishing Herceptin

Last Thursday was my final trip to the hospital for Herceptin. I met with my doctor before my infusion. She went over my bloodwork from three weeks ago and said my estrogen level had gone up slightly. While we thought I was in menopause, I might still be hovering in perimenopause-land. Because my cancer fed off estrogen,  having an increase in my system is worrisome. My doctor explained that I still have tamoxifen working for me, how the tamoxifen locks onto the estrogen receptors in cells, blocking them from feeding off estrogen. I asked  my doctor if I should consider having my ovaries removed. She said she doesn't have a definitive answer on that. My risk of ovarian cancer is low, and I have tamoxifen working in my favor right now.  If I had a larger tumor and/or lymph node involvement, she would encourage it. I'm kind of in a gray area, she said. She would support me if I choose to go that way but she wasn't leaning that way. In fact, she recommended that I enjoy my summer with no procedures, wait for the results of the blood test in October, and we'll revisit it again. If I have my ovaries removed, I'd switch off tamoxifen to an aromatase inhibitor. I know the side effects of tamoxifen and everything so far is tolerable. I don't know how I'll react to the other drug which.has been known to cause severe bone pain and bone loss. Right now, today, I am not going to worry about that step. I'm taking my doctor's advice and plan to enjoy my summer. We'll talk about it again in the fall.

After leaving her office, I went for Herceptin, my last one, hopefully forever. Ironically, I had the same nurse who gave me my first round of chemo, Erika. It was nice to chat with her about our kids. She mentioned in the old place, she used to see patients when they come in for follow ups with the doctor. Now that the infusion area and the doctor's offices are so separate, she doesn't see many of her former patients again. Unless they come back, which we always hopes doesn't happen. Because I was one of the first appointments of the day, everything went smoothly and I got out of there in record time.

Since Trader Joes is right down the street from the hospital, I made a stop there, and overloaded my bags since I wasn't sure when it would be so convenient to go again. I  also went to a nearby shop that sells used homeschooling materials to pick up a biology dissection kit for next year. Then I raced home, packed the kids into the car with their beach stuff and food, and went to celebrate my finishing of treatment. A few friends met us there. It was nice and relaxing, chatting, watching the ferries come and go, being surprised by a seal popping its head through the surface, relishing life.

We got home a few minutes before 5 and I raced to call my surgeon and schedule an appointment for my port to be removed. Unfortunately, the office was already closed and I had to wait for Monday to talk with someone. I was able to get an appointment with my surgeon this Wednesday. It's a short, pre-op appointment and we'll then schedule the port removal. (I guess I'll be back down near Trader Joes again!) As much as the port has been useful with all the infusions and blood draws I've had, I will enjoy not having it any more. I'm looking forward to trying to golf and play tennis again. It's been a long year. Having my port removed will be like putting the final punctuation on this chapter.

Sweet, Sweet Relief!

As soon as I heard her voice, I knew it was okay. "I have good news," my nurse practitioner stated brightly. "You do not carry the faulty BRCA gene." Yes!!! Yes!! Praise God!!! Tears flowed as I thanked her for calling. God's timing was perfect, too. I mentioned in my last blog post how everytime the phone rang, I panicked a bit. I was not looking forward to that moment when I realized I was answering a call from my doctor's office, those few seconds of worry before hearing what the results were. When the call came tonight, I was driving to Ben's baseball game. I couldn't tell who the call was from, but quickly realized this was the call I had been anticipating for days. Before I knew what was happening, I had the answer I was praying for. To have it come so sweetly, so perfectly, I know it could only have been orchestrated by my loving Father.

On Sunday during my bible study, we listened to a DVD presentation by Priscilla Schirer, and she described a time when she was thankful for unanswered prayer, now that she sees more of the reason God answered her prayers with a no. She said that when she prays now, she adds, "But God, if you want to do something better, that's fine with me!"

I have been praying for God's plan, for His will, for His better. Was I at the point of accepting a positive test result with the same thankfulness as the actual negative one prompted? I doubt it, but I was willing to be willing. I was open to what God deemed His best for me and my family, knowing He would provide all I needed. I am so utterly thankful that this is His answer, but I don't love God more. Nothing He could do would change my love for Him. God's already done more than I deserve. I have His promise of heaven to look forward to, to hold secure.Everything else is just frosting on the cupcake. I am so glad that today I am tasting sweet, sweet frosting! Thanks so much for all of your prayers. It is an honor to run this journey with you.

And in case you were wondering, Ben won his game, 9-8, to top off a beautiful day.

Still Waiting

"For I am the LORD, your GOD, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.' "
Isaiah 41:13

I'm still waiting on the results of the BRCA test. Today was the first day this week that my heart didn't pound every time the phone rang. It is, after all, Saturday, and I don't expect to hear from my doctor on the weekend. I thought I'd have heard by now, but between the Memorial Day holiday and perhaps a huge increase of the number of tests flooding Myriad Labs (which is the only place the test is performed), I think it'll take longer than originally expected. I plan on calling my doctor early next week to make sure they aren't sitting on the test results for whatever reason. I have an appointment scheduled for Friday (my last Herceptin!), and my doctor may plan on giving me the test results in person. She has done that in the past when I had follow-up tests on my heart, but I'd like to hear on this test as soon as they get word.

While I wait, I'll remember that God longs to be gracious and compassionate to all of us. No matter what the results reveal, God has a plan.

As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.

Psalm 18:30