"You look good," my friend Susan said as we ended our walk this afternoon. What a difference a couple of days and a couple of liters of fluid make! We walked for about 45 minutes... it felt good to be out in the fresh air, enjoying great conversation and building my stamina. My legs felt pretty wobbly at the end, but it sure was better than feeling winded going up a flight of stairs, as was the case earlier this week.
Susan and I also helped a young mom during our walk. As we came up her street, we noticed this lady carrying her baby a bit awkwardly, talking to someone by cell phone, following a goofy brown lab back and forth. We made eye contact and she asked if we could help her catch her dog. After talking with her some more, we discovered that she thought her house was on fire and the fire truck was on its way. Susan offered to hold her baby while I tracked down her dog. The dog was enjoying his freedom too much to make things easy for me, but eventually he let me put the collar on him. When I came out of the woods, Susan was alone on the street, holding the baby. Before long the lady and firemen came out of the house and said it wasn't a fire, just a short in the dryer. We gave her back her dog and baby. Susan knew one of the firefighters, so as she chatted with him, I talked with the still-dazed mom. She was grateful it wasn't a fire and thankful for our help. Amazing what can happen when I feel well enough to leave my own neighborhood!
I am feeling much better in so many ways. I was suffering from a bit of numbness at my fingertips, and that seems to have decreased today. This is good as neuropathy is a side effect that could be permanent. In my last cycle, my fingers and toes tingled off and on. This time, the ends are slightly numb. I drop things easily and have trouble picking up small items. I can still button my shirt without looking, so I always had some feeling in them. Today my fingers are feeling more normal. I plan on talking with my doctor regarding this as I want to make sure we do what we can to prevent this from growing worse and becoming permament.
Today, back at the hospital, I received my weekly infusion of Herceptin and another liter of fluids. My white blood cell count is really low, but the doctor chose not to give me the white blood booster shot because of the effect four shots last time had on my bones. Plus, another indicator in my blood count, as the nurse explained to me, showed evidence that more white blood cells were being produced. So, my mission this week is to stay away from crowds and germs and wash, wash, wash. Tomorrow, the kids are going to the fair with some friends, and I'm going to go as far as the front entrance to drop them off, then go back home and try to stay healthy.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Tuesday Thoughts
Yesterday was hard. I cried most of the way to the hospital to get my scheduled fluids. I didn't mince words when I said I was feeling terrible. No brave face. No smile. I'm tired of this. The side effects feel like they are accumulating so that I have less energy each time I go through treatment. The Zofran I take for nausea doesn't even make a dent. As I was hooked up to the IV fluids, I curled up in a ball and prayed. "Lord, is this worth it? Can I trust that this is what is bringing healing to me?" I plugged into my music and let praise songs wash over me. I couldn't worship, but I could receive.
As the fluids started hydrating my body, I felt a bit better. My blood pressure and pulse rose. I walked out with wobbly legs, so thankful for the strong presence of Walt next to me. I continued to weep off and on as we went home. I headed to bed as Walt and the kids started doing work around the house...vacuming, picking up floors, laundry. I buried my head in sleep.
When I woke up, I forced myself to get up. There is so much to do and think about this time of year. Ben's soccer. Nathan's Boy Scout meeting. Getting tickets for the fair. Becca's orthodonic appointment. School supplies. Trying to reschedule my echocardiogram. Even more activities for the next day to schedule... No longer can I bury my head and come up when I feel better. Walt ran things yesterday, but I will need to do things today. A dear friend who I haven't seen in ages dropped off food for dinner. I longed to engage in a conversation, but she understood. I retreated to a bath early last night, needing to soothe my aching bones from the latest shot.
As I went to bed last night, I thought of God's words, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your way acknowledge, and He will make your path straight." I've written this verse before on this blog. It was the only thing that kept coming to me as I thought through my difficult day. I needed to trust God. My sleep was restful last night.
This morning, I woke feeling surprisingly well, for a Tuesday after treatment. Waffles. I felt like making waffles. So I did. Now, that's not usually a huge deal, but for me, any mention of food usually puts me over the edge. They didn't taste as good as I hoped, but at least I got food in me! Then I read my devotional for today, and it said, "The joy of the LORD is your strength!"
Of course in my last post, when I was feeling better and ready to face this ordeal, those words were the ones I wrote. Yes, I would choose joy, I claimed. You know what, even through my tears, and my fears and my struggles, I think I still chose joy yesterday. I chose God. When I couldn't do anything else, I let God minister to me. This morning, my tears are from pure joy because I know His hand was on me last night. He saw my pain. He gave me sleep and gave me energy beyond what I could have fathomed as I looked out onto my tasks for today. This is the path God has chosen for me, perioulous and hidden. I can't do it on my own. Each step needs to be walked with God. Even if I can't find the joy, I can choose God.
As the fluids started hydrating my body, I felt a bit better. My blood pressure and pulse rose. I walked out with wobbly legs, so thankful for the strong presence of Walt next to me. I continued to weep off and on as we went home. I headed to bed as Walt and the kids started doing work around the house...vacuming, picking up floors, laundry. I buried my head in sleep.
When I woke up, I forced myself to get up. There is so much to do and think about this time of year. Ben's soccer. Nathan's Boy Scout meeting. Getting tickets for the fair. Becca's orthodonic appointment. School supplies. Trying to reschedule my echocardiogram. Even more activities for the next day to schedule... No longer can I bury my head and come up when I feel better. Walt ran things yesterday, but I will need to do things today. A dear friend who I haven't seen in ages dropped off food for dinner. I longed to engage in a conversation, but she understood. I retreated to a bath early last night, needing to soothe my aching bones from the latest shot.
As I went to bed last night, I thought of God's words, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your way acknowledge, and He will make your path straight." I've written this verse before on this blog. It was the only thing that kept coming to me as I thought through my difficult day. I needed to trust God. My sleep was restful last night.
This morning, I woke feeling surprisingly well, for a Tuesday after treatment. Waffles. I felt like making waffles. So I did. Now, that's not usually a huge deal, but for me, any mention of food usually puts me over the edge. They didn't taste as good as I hoped, but at least I got food in me! Then I read my devotional for today, and it said, "The joy of the LORD is your strength!"
Of course in my last post, when I was feeling better and ready to face this ordeal, those words were the ones I wrote. Yes, I would choose joy, I claimed. You know what, even through my tears, and my fears and my struggles, I think I still chose joy yesterday. I chose God. When I couldn't do anything else, I let God minister to me. This morning, my tears are from pure joy because I know His hand was on me last night. He saw my pain. He gave me sleep and gave me energy beyond what I could have fathomed as I looked out onto my tasks for today. This is the path God has chosen for me, perioulous and hidden. I can't do it on my own. Each step needs to be walked with God. Even if I can't find the joy, I can choose God.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Chemo #4
We got out of there in record time today... left around 2 p.m. My blood counts are all really high thanks to the four shots I had last week. I'll still have my regularly scheduled shots on Friday and Saturday, but hopefully that'll be all I need this week, and I can recover my strength quicker than last time. My doctor and I discussed my tummy troubles and it looks like my salsa and spicy food cravings I have once I can eat again (remember most foods taste like cardboard to me, so the spicy foods actually taste like something), are not a good idea with my stomach. The chemo drugs really do a number on the stomach lining, so I'll need to stick to more bland foods to protect it. I plan to also stay clear of salads and raw veggies and limit dairy as those are all hard to digest. She also noticed my tears that I thought came from the Herceptin, but she thinks it's from the Taxotere. With so many drugs in my system at any given time, it's probably hard to know what really is causing what. It's probably all contributing in some way. She recommended I check in with an ophthalmologist to make sure my tear ducts don't suffer from scaring. She meant to leave a name for me, but I'll have to get it tomorrow when I go in for my shot. I also will do a followup echo for my heart right before my second Herceptin-only infusion during this cycle. Herceptin has been known to cause damage to the heart, so we'll see if I'm at risk for that. I haven't noticed any pains or shortness of breath, so I'm hopeful that everything should check out okay. Something to pray for, of course.
My doctor also suggested Prilosec to help with the stomach problems and recommended getting it at Costco since their three pack costs as much as a one pack at the drugstore. Since we got out of chemo so early, Walt and I stopped at the Woodinville Costco on the way home. We had a fun time, especially since this was just Walt's second time navigating this store. (The last time he braved the store was when he bought a cake for my surprise birthday party last September.) He bought some dress shirts, a jacket, two pairs of pants (one we'll need to return because it didn't fit right)...probably more clothes shopping than he had done all year, but he admits the prices are unbelievable. Our three-item-list soon turned to a $200 cart, but isn't that the way it usually goes there? On the way out, I couldn't pass up the 3-scoop stracciatella gelato in a waffle cone. It may be one of the last foods I'll eat in while, and even though I am trying to cut down on dairy, it was worth every cool bite as we drove home. Walt had a berry smoothie...not as decadent, but much easier to navigate in the 90 degree heat while driving through traffic.
I read my Jesus Calling devotional while sitting in the chair this morning. She suggested focusing on the verse in Philippians 4:8... everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable. Think on those things..
So I decided to think on each word and write one thing that stands out in my mind. Here is the list I came up with this morning:
True: God's love for me. The Bible is filled with verses on the depth of God's love, but the one I carry with me in my purse is... when I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. (Psalm 94:18) That is truth to me. I'll never be alone.
Noble: The first thing I thought of was my husband. He has supported me, loved me, and joined me on all the important appointments on this cancer journey. He has rearranged his schedules, all while having one of his most stressful years at work and picking up the slack at home when I'm not able. Every chemo day he is sitting with me for hours, usually in a tight corner and feeling in the way, sometimes reading to me or sharing some news. Each time I look over at him, I'm so thankful that God brought him into my life. When we were dating and newly married, we used to enjoy running together. He continues to be my favorite running partner during this race.
Right: Fighting this cancer with all my strength, a good attitude, and asking for help when needed.
Pure: James 1: 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds...
Joy is pure. I've been thinking a lot on joy this week. Our pastor preached an amazing sermon on it last Sunday. As my usual method, I took copious notes during the message. There were lots of things that really spoke to me, but one verse especially stood out, perfect for me as I enter into this hard week. It's Nehemiah 8:10 ...for the joy of the Lord is your strength... So that means the more joyful I am in the Lord, the more strength I'll receive. Sounds like a good plan! I have been reading so much on joy these days, that I might create its own post. Right now, I need to move onto...
Lovely: I immediately thought of our backyard with the roaring waterfall and blooming flowers. Even though this year we haven't had the time to do all the pruning, weeding or planting of flowering annuals (Walt has been out there working hard when he can, but his time is limited with all he's got going on this year), it is still my favorite place to pull up a chair in the shade with a cold drink and a good book. During my hard week, it is my place for respite and healing.
Admirable: Since I'm writing this during chemo, I think of all the brave men and women in all the rooms surrounding me (three in and out for quick procedures in the chair next to me today). My eye is drawn to the chair across the hall where a younger man with a Seahawk baseball hat covering his bald head receives fluids. He's joined by his cute wife who is carrying a round baby bump. Can't even imagine going through cancer and a new baby at the same time. He looks familiar to me, but I don't know if I know him or if I just recognize the fighting spirit of a fellow cancer warrior. Admirable.
So these are the things I'm thinking of today, during the heat, as my body works through all the effects of my latest infusions.I'm feeling tired but good right now. God, as always, is on my side, and I'm bolstered by the prayers of my support team all over the country. Only two more to go! It feels like there is a light starting to show at the end of this long tunnel.
My doctor also suggested Prilosec to help with the stomach problems and recommended getting it at Costco since their three pack costs as much as a one pack at the drugstore. Since we got out of chemo so early, Walt and I stopped at the Woodinville Costco on the way home. We had a fun time, especially since this was just Walt's second time navigating this store. (The last time he braved the store was when he bought a cake for my surprise birthday party last September.) He bought some dress shirts, a jacket, two pairs of pants (one we'll need to return because it didn't fit right)...probably more clothes shopping than he had done all year, but he admits the prices are unbelievable. Our three-item-list soon turned to a $200 cart, but isn't that the way it usually goes there? On the way out, I couldn't pass up the 3-scoop stracciatella gelato in a waffle cone. It may be one of the last foods I'll eat in while, and even though I am trying to cut down on dairy, it was worth every cool bite as we drove home. Walt had a berry smoothie...not as decadent, but much easier to navigate in the 90 degree heat while driving through traffic.
I read my Jesus Calling devotional while sitting in the chair this morning. She suggested focusing on the verse in Philippians 4:8... everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable. Think on those things..
So I decided to think on each word and write one thing that stands out in my mind. Here is the list I came up with this morning:
True: God's love for me. The Bible is filled with verses on the depth of God's love, but the one I carry with me in my purse is... when I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. (Psalm 94:18) That is truth to me. I'll never be alone.
Noble: The first thing I thought of was my husband. He has supported me, loved me, and joined me on all the important appointments on this cancer journey. He has rearranged his schedules, all while having one of his most stressful years at work and picking up the slack at home when I'm not able. Every chemo day he is sitting with me for hours, usually in a tight corner and feeling in the way, sometimes reading to me or sharing some news. Each time I look over at him, I'm so thankful that God brought him into my life. When we were dating and newly married, we used to enjoy running together. He continues to be my favorite running partner during this race.
Right: Fighting this cancer with all my strength, a good attitude, and asking for help when needed.
Pure: James 1: 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds...
Joy is pure. I've been thinking a lot on joy this week. Our pastor preached an amazing sermon on it last Sunday. As my usual method, I took copious notes during the message. There were lots of things that really spoke to me, but one verse especially stood out, perfect for me as I enter into this hard week. It's Nehemiah 8:10 ...for the joy of the Lord is your strength... So that means the more joyful I am in the Lord, the more strength I'll receive. Sounds like a good plan! I have been reading so much on joy these days, that I might create its own post. Right now, I need to move onto...
Lovely: I immediately thought of our backyard with the roaring waterfall and blooming flowers. Even though this year we haven't had the time to do all the pruning, weeding or planting of flowering annuals (Walt has been out there working hard when he can, but his time is limited with all he's got going on this year), it is still my favorite place to pull up a chair in the shade with a cold drink and a good book. During my hard week, it is my place for respite and healing.
Admirable: Since I'm writing this during chemo, I think of all the brave men and women in all the rooms surrounding me (three in and out for quick procedures in the chair next to me today). My eye is drawn to the chair across the hall where a younger man with a Seahawk baseball hat covering his bald head receives fluids. He's joined by his cute wife who is carrying a round baby bump. Can't even imagine going through cancer and a new baby at the same time. He looks familiar to me, but I don't know if I know him or if I just recognize the fighting spirit of a fellow cancer warrior. Admirable.
So these are the things I'm thinking of today, during the heat, as my body works through all the effects of my latest infusions.I'm feeling tired but good right now. God, as always, is on my side, and I'm bolstered by the prayers of my support team all over the country. Only two more to go! It feels like there is a light starting to show at the end of this long tunnel.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Wednesday Before Chemo
Even though I've been trying to be super careful (careful but not perfect) on what I am eating right now, I'm still experiencing a bit of tummy trouble. Monday night and Tuesday afternoon it felt just a bit upset, nothing drastic but not myself. Fortunately, it has not turned into diarrhea (I need to look up that word everytime I use it and as often as I use it, I should know how to spell it by now!). When I have those bouts, though, I've been trying to not push things, especially since our temps are a bit warmer these days. I have also stopped eating dairy as my good friend Tiffany suggested since it's hard on the digestive system anyway.
Today I'm feeling better. We just got back from the park where we, thankfully, had a covered shelter so I could get out of the sun. Becca went to a friend's house, and the boys are packing for a sleepover tonight. (Well, they are probably playing the wii or watching tv by now.). On my chemo days, I try to farm the kids out to various places so they aren't stuck inside on these nice summer days for as long as Walt and I are gone. Becca has her riding lesson tomorrow, so we are going to drop her off at a friend's house on the way to the hospital, and she will get a ride to the barn where she'll work all day until her lesson. Last night I found out that one of Becca's best friends who just joined her barn will have lessons at exactly the same time, starting next week. So, for my last two chemos, I'll have another option for her to get to the barn. That is God's way of providing me some easy help right now. Thank you, God!
As much as I'm enjoying feeling a little better, I don't mind going into chemo tomorrow. It'll mean I'm one more step closer to being done. I had a nice chat with my sister Patty today, and she told me of a lady she works with who went through this five years ago and has been fine. I love hearing those stories because it helps me remember why I am running this race, why I go through all the side effects and changes, so that I can be able to say one day, "Yes, I remember those days well, and while it was one of the hardest challenges I've ever gone through, it was worth it because cancer is now in the past." That is my hope and prayer. And I'm trusting God with all the details.
Today I'm feeling better. We just got back from the park where we, thankfully, had a covered shelter so I could get out of the sun. Becca went to a friend's house, and the boys are packing for a sleepover tonight. (Well, they are probably playing the wii or watching tv by now.). On my chemo days, I try to farm the kids out to various places so they aren't stuck inside on these nice summer days for as long as Walt and I are gone. Becca has her riding lesson tomorrow, so we are going to drop her off at a friend's house on the way to the hospital, and she will get a ride to the barn where she'll work all day until her lesson. Last night I found out that one of Becca's best friends who just joined her barn will have lessons at exactly the same time, starting next week. So, for my last two chemos, I'll have another option for her to get to the barn. That is God's way of providing me some easy help right now. Thank you, God!
As much as I'm enjoying feeling a little better, I don't mind going into chemo tomorrow. It'll mean I'm one more step closer to being done. I had a nice chat with my sister Patty today, and she told me of a lady she works with who went through this five years ago and has been fine. I love hearing those stories because it helps me remember why I am running this race, why I go through all the side effects and changes, so that I can be able to say one day, "Yes, I remember those days well, and while it was one of the hardest challenges I've ever gone through, it was worth it because cancer is now in the past." That is my hope and prayer. And I'm trusting God with all the details.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Evidences of God
Went on a long walk this morning, just me and my music. My legs are starting to feel strong again, without the joint clicking and wobbliness that comes from the white blood booster shot. I'm trying to focus on eating as healthfully as possible this week to help me be strong for my next round of chemo on Thursday. Since I have the taste for more fresh veggies and fruit, I have to be extremely careful to not eat anything that could cause me the tummy troubles I had last time. Eating out can be tricky as I'm dependent on how well the food is cleaned and prepared, so I'm relying on God for wisdom and to protect me from infection. It's a tricky walk these days.
Yesterday Lydia and I went out for lunch at Quidoba. As I pulled into the restaurant, I bypassed an open spot right in front of the door to park in an area with more room. As we were sitting in the restaurant, a lady came in and asked who owned a black car because someone just hit it. It wasn't ours, but when we left the restaurant, I discovered the car was parked in the exact spot I bypassed earlier. I know that's God's grace for me at this time. I felt sorry for the guy who now has to deal with a body shop and insurance claim, but I know that God protected me from having to endure that with everything else going on. How many more things has he saved me from, directed me away from or led me to? More than I can imagine, I'm sure.
I trying to look for evidences of God's presence these days. Because I no longer take my health for granted, being able to walk up hills and even be strong enough to walk our crazy dog shows how far He has brought me this week. I value being able to smell foods and enjoy them which shows how far He has carried me. I am blessed by many hands who have come to help when I am not able to do things on my own, but I appreciate cooking, cleaning and doing normal things all the more when I am able. As I'm going through this journey, I want to notice how closely God is walking with me. I'm going to keep my eyes open because I know I'll see Him in even more amazing ways.
Yesterday Lydia and I went out for lunch at Quidoba. As I pulled into the restaurant, I bypassed an open spot right in front of the door to park in an area with more room. As we were sitting in the restaurant, a lady came in and asked who owned a black car because someone just hit it. It wasn't ours, but when we left the restaurant, I discovered the car was parked in the exact spot I bypassed earlier. I know that's God's grace for me at this time. I felt sorry for the guy who now has to deal with a body shop and insurance claim, but I know that God protected me from having to endure that with everything else going on. How many more things has he saved me from, directed me away from or led me to? More than I can imagine, I'm sure.
I trying to look for evidences of God's presence these days. Because I no longer take my health for granted, being able to walk up hills and even be strong enough to walk our crazy dog shows how far He has brought me this week. I value being able to smell foods and enjoy them which shows how far He has carried me. I am blessed by many hands who have come to help when I am not able to do things on my own, but I appreciate cooking, cleaning and doing normal things all the more when I am able. As I'm going through this journey, I want to notice how closely God is walking with me. I'm going to keep my eyes open because I know I'll see Him in even more amazing ways.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Part of My Support Team
Last night, Becca and Nathan played games in the park with their youth group, so Grammy and I took a 3+ mile walk on the Mill Creek Trail. When we returned, I had to get a picture of Becca and our friends, Abby and Kayla with their "Fight Like a Girl" shirts. Becca used all her money on my hat, so all she could afford was a bracelet. I love these girls and their huge hearts.
I needed to have a picture of Lydia as she has been so helpful this week, not only cooking, cleaning and folding laundry, but going on walks with me, too. Below she is giving Nathan a few tips on hula hooping.
Speaking of support, Nathan has really stepped up to the plate for me. He carries heavy things, does projects outside for me, walks the dog with a cheerful heart, and helps cook when I can't. He truly models what it is to have a servant's heart.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Hats
Becca went on vacation to Montana with family friends. She came back with a gift for me:
It's a beautiful hat from a beautiful girl with a kind heart for her mom. She was so excited to show it to me when she returned on Friday night, and tears sprung to my eyes when I saw what she bought for me and even more that she considered me during her time away. She bought herself a pink wristband with these same words on it, too. She's at a friend's house right now, so I'll get a picture of my sweet daughter when she gets back.
In case you can't read it, the hat reads "Fight Like a Girl"
It's a beautiful hat from a beautiful girl with a kind heart for her mom. She was so excited to show it to me when she returned on Friday night, and tears sprung to my eyes when I saw what she bought for me and even more that she considered me during her time away. She bought herself a pink wristband with these same words on it, too. She's at a friend's house right now, so I'll get a picture of my sweet daughter when she gets back.
Here I am modeling my new hat with my handsome, tender-hearted son, Ben
Walt's mom is visiting. She really liked my hat I wear to church sometimes. I call it my "Downton Abbey" hat as it reminds me of the fancy hats the ladies wear on the show. I'd love to have a whole collection of those hats to don with my wardrobe. Usually I wear a baseball hat and scarf, but it is fun to dress a little fancy sometimes.
Here is a picture of me wearing my fancy hat
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Herceptin, Fluids and Another Shot
Today was the best I've felt at my one-week return to the hospital for Herceptin. Being able to eat a bit better last night helped to curb a bit of the nausea this morning. My pulse and blood pressure were good, and I think I could have even tolerated having someone eating or talking about foods today. (Even though I'm thankful that we had the room to ourselves!) My doctor said I only needed a half liter of fluids, just to stay on top of the hydration. I needed my fourth white blood cell booster shot, though. My counts must have really taken a dive to warrant four shots during this cycle. I know my bones will continue to ache for a few days, but it's necessary to keep me on track in my treatments. My doctor even stopped by briefly and chatted about the timing with the fluids. She was still surprised to hear that I only started feeling a bit better last night. She said she'll still think on it. Lydia was impressed at how personable she is for a busy doctor. Lydia also thanked my nurse for offering us such a beautiful smile.
By the time we returned from the hospital, I felt pretty achy. This afternoon, Ben wanted me to see a show that Nathan and him had been watching on Netflix called Merlin, so we popped popcorn and went upstairs and enjoyed a couple of episodes. I loved spending time with the boys, but I didn't like all the snakes in the episode. Now they are outside playing with the neighbors, I'm lazing around on the couch but planning on heading out to the porch soon, and Lydia is busy (as always) trying to find things to clean and do.
By the time we returned from the hospital, I felt pretty achy. This afternoon, Ben wanted me to see a show that Nathan and him had been watching on Netflix called Merlin, so we popped popcorn and went upstairs and enjoyed a couple of episodes. I loved spending time with the boys, but I didn't like all the snakes in the episode. Now they are outside playing with the neighbors, I'm lazing around on the couch but planning on heading out to the porch soon, and Lydia is busy (as always) trying to find things to clean and do.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Strength in Weakness
"This feels surreal," I said to Walt as I carried my rapidly growing brown folder down the hall in the Cancer Center on Monday. After the receptionist handed me the file, I knew exactly where to go. We walked down the hall, took the second right and sat in the brown chairs along the wall. Then a nurse would come up, greet me, and tell me she'd be right back. After checking my name on her list, she would walk me to the scale and record my weight. Then she would escort me to a chair. This is my routine at least once a week. This is my reality but yet it still seems hard to believe it's really me living it. I shouldn't know what to do with a brown folder at the front desk of a cancer center. But I do. Someday it'll feel more real. Hopefully by then it'll just be a memory, something I did to get to living the life that feels more like me.
On Monday, I went in for extra fluids to try to prevent dehydration. After my weigh-in, I was led to a chair in a small portable. I prefer this set up to sharing a bigger room with another patient. It's not something I have a choice on so I learn to accept wherever I'm placed. After my blood pressure, pulse and temperature check, the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I never know how to answer her. I feel terrible but I'm managing to put one foot in front of the other to make my way here for this appointment. I hate feeling sick but it doesn't help dwelling on that. I'd prefer never having to eat or smell foods again. But, she was waiting for something to take back to the doctor on my progress, so I said I felt tired and nauseous. Nothing else new to report.
Another nurse came in and accessed my port. If I put the lidocaine, a numbing cream I apply an hour before my appointment, at just the right spot, I don't feel a thing. The port moves so sometimes I miss and it stings when the needle goes in. I didn't feel a thing, which made me smile because I scrunched up my face, expecting pain, and there wasn't any. It was a chilly morning, so I accepted the warm blankets offered to me, reclined my chair and listened to music while my body got hydrated. Walt sat nearby reading magazines.
I think the hydration helped a little. I've still felt nauseous, but I think not so bad. I ate a bit better tonight, which I usually don't do until Thursday or even Friday. In fact, last time I got really sick on Wednesday. So, when I think of where I was this time during my last cycle, I guess I'm doing much better. I'm outside on the porch typing this, though, as Walt and Ben are home from their first soccer practice and having a late dinner. The food smells are making me feeling nauseous, so I am electing to fight mosquitoes and breathe fresh air for awhile. Walt's mom is here for a couple of weeks. She is so helpful in managing the food and cleanup. Such a blessing! She's learning not to talk about food or serve leftovers, all things I can't handle now. I'm pretty sure both Walt and Lydia will call me pretty difficult right now. I hate how I am around food, too, but it's my only means to survive this week. Next week I'll be much easier to be around.
Tomorrow, Lydia and I will head back to the hospital for my Herceptin infusion and some more fluids. I'm thankful for her willingness to keep my company. I wish I could do more, have more energy for conversation or for activities right now, but I also have to remind myself that God's grace is sufficient for now. His power is made perfect in my weakness. God arms me with strength to do what I need, and sometimes the strength is just to rely on Him and others.
On Monday, I went in for extra fluids to try to prevent dehydration. After my weigh-in, I was led to a chair in a small portable. I prefer this set up to sharing a bigger room with another patient. It's not something I have a choice on so I learn to accept wherever I'm placed. After my blood pressure, pulse and temperature check, the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I never know how to answer her. I feel terrible but I'm managing to put one foot in front of the other to make my way here for this appointment. I hate feeling sick but it doesn't help dwelling on that. I'd prefer never having to eat or smell foods again. But, she was waiting for something to take back to the doctor on my progress, so I said I felt tired and nauseous. Nothing else new to report.
Another nurse came in and accessed my port. If I put the lidocaine, a numbing cream I apply an hour before my appointment, at just the right spot, I don't feel a thing. The port moves so sometimes I miss and it stings when the needle goes in. I didn't feel a thing, which made me smile because I scrunched up my face, expecting pain, and there wasn't any. It was a chilly morning, so I accepted the warm blankets offered to me, reclined my chair and listened to music while my body got hydrated. Walt sat nearby reading magazines.
I think the hydration helped a little. I've still felt nauseous, but I think not so bad. I ate a bit better tonight, which I usually don't do until Thursday or even Friday. In fact, last time I got really sick on Wednesday. So, when I think of where I was this time during my last cycle, I guess I'm doing much better. I'm outside on the porch typing this, though, as Walt and Ben are home from their first soccer practice and having a late dinner. The food smells are making me feeling nauseous, so I am electing to fight mosquitoes and breathe fresh air for awhile. Walt's mom is here for a couple of weeks. She is so helpful in managing the food and cleanup. Such a blessing! She's learning not to talk about food or serve leftovers, all things I can't handle now. I'm pretty sure both Walt and Lydia will call me pretty difficult right now. I hate how I am around food, too, but it's my only means to survive this week. Next week I'll be much easier to be around.
Tomorrow, Lydia and I will head back to the hospital for my Herceptin infusion and some more fluids. I'm thankful for her willingness to keep my company. I wish I could do more, have more energy for conversation or for activities right now, but I also have to remind myself that God's grace is sufficient for now. His power is made perfect in my weakness. God arms me with strength to do what I need, and sometimes the strength is just to rely on Him and others.
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