Kindness, Part 2

I've been feeling so well lately, I haven't had time to blog. It's been a good few days, full of shopping with the kids, long walks with friends, and even seeing the movie, Brave, with Becca and Ben. If it weren't for my lack of taste, heightened sense of smell and need for frequent hand washing to get rid of germs, I could easily forget I'm undergoing chemo. Of course, that will change on July 5th when I undergo my second treatment.

I've been thinking of the kindnesses of people lately. As I've mentioned before, I have several friends in the area who are willing to run kids to different activities, bring a meal or baked goods, go for a walk, have my kids over and include them in fun activities. My sister and niece took time off work and juggled their schedules to come over to cook and clean and spend time together.

I also have family and friends who are not here locally, but they have reached out to me and my family in meaningful, important ways. I remember when my sister in Wisconsin was undergoing surgery and I felt helpless, wanting to help but not sure how. I made a lame attempt at sending her a fruit and nut basket or something like that. Going through this, I've seen how God has gifted people in giving to others. That same sister sent me a package that included a journal, blank thank you cards, hand sanitizer, powdered drink mix, and a card with the song, "You've Got a Friend,"  to encourage me. It was such a practical, loving gift.

My sister-in-law also shows how much she cares from a far. She frequently emails that she is praying for me. She has sent several cards, my favorite with the words, "Impossible is God's favorite word." I keep that in my bible to remind me that God has things safely under control, even when I feel like I'm in a whirlwind. Her daughter, Hannah, prays for me at every meal. I can imagine her sweet voice, asking God to make Auntie Linda better, and I'm touched. My mother-in-law has also sent beautiful cards of encouragement. In fact, I've received cards from family, high school friends, long-time friends of Walt's family, homeschooling friends, church friends, friends from so many circles. I will often take out the basket where I store every card I've received, and with tears streaming down my cheeks, reread each one, and feel encouraged by the kindnesses of so many.

I'm still amazed at how people think of things to do for us. After coming home from my first chemo treatment, we had flowers and books with cards left on our doorstep. Last Saturday one of my friends dropped off a gift of new pajama bottoms and comfy shirts for "my hard days." From the first day of my diagnosis when a group of friends came over with flowers and a latte and we prayed and cried together, to postings on Facebook from all over the US, to phone calls and gift baskets, I am overwhelmed. And blessed. My only fear is I've forgotten to recognize the kind effort of someone. I haven't been good at sending out thank yous, but know that each and every kindness that people have shown us, every encouraging word and hug, every prayer spoken on our behalf, are cherished and so appreciated. My prayer for each of you who have touched us in countless ways is that you will feel as blessed as we feel because of you. Because of God. Thank you. It doesn't seem like it's enough, but it's all I have to tell you how much we appreciate it all.

Hope and Kindness

But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us... (Romans 5: 3-5)

Hope is an amazing thing.

It's been a hard road, these past few days, hating food, feeling sick, wondering how I was going to do this all over again. Plus, yesterday I was worried about going back in for my scheduled Hercepton infusion, worried that I would feel even sicker with the reminders of this place. With people praying, and the support of my sister, Cindy, I felt quite calm as I drove to the hospital. Because I was only supposed to be there for about an hour, they put me in a chair in a tiny room with another patient getting his infusions. Poor Cindy was stuck in a chair in a corner. 

My sister Cindy

The worst thing, though, was this other couple was having lunch, and talked about the food, and I heard them eating and smelled the soup, and it was making me feel sicker. So I looked at Cindy and said, "We have to talk about something fun." So we talked about books and books on tape and books about England and I can't  remember what, but it helped me get through the hard part. The reason we were waiting was I needed medicine to clear away clots that were preventing my port from working. The medicine would take an hour to work. So we waited.

Because this was going to take longer than expected, I was worried about getting Becca to her riding lesson on time. I called my friend Pam to see if she might be available to take her. I told her I could check back in an hour to see if we would be able to make it or not, but she told me not to worry, she had it handled. She would just take Becca whether I made it back or not. I got off the phone and cried. It's the kindness of people that reach the depth of my heart, people willing to drop whatever they had planned to help me out during this time. What an undescribable blessing!

Then my doctor came in and we talked about my nausea and diarrhea. I told her I kept thinking I was going to be better and wouldn't take the anti-nausea meds until it got pretty bad. It's part of my makeup, that I hate being dependent on medicine or fear taking too much, I guess. Anyway, she thinks it's the Taxotere that is causing me the nausea, and I should take the anti-nausea medicine twice a day, just to stay on top of it, through the rest of this weekend, at least. When the nausea gets bad, take the second medicine on top of it. In other words, it's okay to use the medicine! Then she talked about a game plan for next time, to add another, more powerful anti-nausea med and be more proactive with the ones I have. She kept saying, "It will be better."

I can't tell you how much those words meant. It will be better. This isn't all there is. Hope is an amazing thing, to pull you out of despair or weariness. To know that God is still there, that my suffering isn't going unnoticed. She also said that I had lost 12 pounds in a week...too much. So, she gave me some recipes for some protein shakes, and she said she'd have the nutritionist call me with some recipe ideas. Having Cindy here has been amazing in so many ways. She has some good ideas on how to pack some nutrition into something I can tolerate. She put together a banana, yogurt, chocolate (she sacrificed some of her dark chocolate I gave her for her birthday) almond butter smoothy that tasted pretty good (which was better than most things have tasted lately.) Then this morning she had an idea for a tropical smoothy with fresh pineapple, kiwi, whey protein... not sure what she put in it but it was delicious.

Today, fueled by hope and kindness (and anti-nausea meds and smoothies), I feel better than I've felt in a long time. I wish the sun was shining because I feel like taking a long walk today.

We also had a visit from Walt's Aunt Yolanda and Uncle Ricardo and his son, Raoul, on Wednesday night. Yolanda is about 2 1/2 years after her stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis and is from El Salvador. She had it on her heart to come up and encourage me, since they were in Corvallis, OR for Raoul's graduation from OSU. Walt came back early from a conference he was attending to see them, and Cindy happened to have planned a visit starting that day, so she helped me clean and get things ready for them. I know they wouldn't have minded coming into to a messy house, but I would feel better if it wasn't. So Cindy and the kids and I, with whatever energy I could muster,cleaned and prepped. My brother once nicknamed Cindy "the Mad Scrub Woman," and she lived up to her calling. My brother's stepdaughter, Nicole, had planned to come over to dinner prior to our unexpected company. She said she had a roasted chicken and rice and lots of veggies...and adding things from my fridge, Cindy and Nico put together an amazing meal. It was wonderful how it all came together. Because of feeling so nauseous and tired, I couldn't enjoy their visit as I would have preferred, but it was nice to see everyone and the day was infused in kindnesses by so many people involved.

Kindness and Hope. Two amazing words to help fuel my journey.

Hard Days

I haven't had the energy to write the past two days. It's been hard. Saturday night, my bones ached...sometimes sharp, jolting pains, other times just a dull ache. Always random, giving me a bit of a break before sneaking up again. Sleep was hard. The nausea was harder, even with anti-nausea meds. I had no appetite and food was a chore. I could not stomach my last dose of glutamine since I couldn't figure out anything to put it in. The only thing I could nibble on was watermelon and sip water. I didn't want to ruin the taste of water by putting it in, so I chose to skip that dose. Even though I'm past most of the nausea right now, I still get queasy thinking about it. I plan to talk with my naturopath about suggestions for the next round.

One thing I learned through this is not to make food in advance. I have no idea what I'm going to tolerate, and just the thought of a certain food waiting for me in the refrigerator was making me feel sick. People bringing food has been such a wonderful blessing. I can take a small forkful without thinking about it, and it usually worked to provide the much-needed protein. Cooking up vegetables also made them tolerable. I am thankful that water tastes good.

Walking has been a good thing. Not only does it force me into the fresh air, but it connects me to the outside world, too. Yesterday was the hardest day since I had no energy. Nathan walked Sugar as we made the loop around the neighborhood. I thought of cutting it shorter, but it seemed a good thing to go at least as far as I did the day before. When I got back, I was exhausted, and sat on the porch, to let the breeze cool me off. At my feet was a package from a dear friend. It was just the thing I needed to remind myself that God knows, that people care, and there is a purpose in all this. One of the books in the package was called, Praying  Through Cancer and the sentence on the back read, "For these women, cancer was a comma, not a period, in the sentences of their lives." It was just the encouragement I needed to remember that while this is a long journey, I will get through it.

Day 3 Surviving

While today has been the hardest day so far, it is not nearly as bad as I was told it could be. I feel the fatigue big time. I was able to make it to the hopsital for my booster shot this morning, and then stopped by briefly at Ben's practice. Back at home I caught my breath while watching an old movie on the couch, Goodbye, Mr. Chips. Even though I still felt tired, I forced myself to get up to vacume the downstairs. I am able to do things in small bursts of energy, but then need to rest. Walking has been such a wonderful source of refreshment. Susan, another one of my amazing friends, came by with a meal tonight, and we took a stroll through my neighborhood. I know the pace was slow, but it felt so good to breathe in fresh air, feel the soft wind and catch up on what's been going on with her. The nausea is taking away my appetite right now. The family had french dip (a huge favorite in our house), but I'm sipping my glutamine supplement in a cool berry smoothy. It's going down slowly, but it's tolerable. Susan brought some sweet potatoes that actually sound good to me, so I am baking them with hopes that I can enjoy them.

I was listening to Mathew West's Your Life cd this afternoon and heard his song, "Survivors," for the first time. You'll know quickly why these words are so meaningful to me:

For the phone call that tore you apart
 For the fear that gripped your heart
For the moment you saw who you are
And what you're made of
For the cancer that stole all your hair 
For the smile like you just don't care
For the hope in a midnight prayer
You're a survivor...

I'm convinced neither death nor life,
Neither demons nor angels of light
Shadows present or future light
Can separate us
From the Love that will lead us on
To the hope when all hope is gone...

Good words to dwell on tonight!

2nd Day

Today went pretty well. I have some lingering nausea, but between drinking ginger tea, getting some fresh air and exercise, and an anti-nausea pill earlier today, I'm managing this well. My energy level is pretty good. I was able to do some household chores, went on three short walks today (one with my friend Janice...thanks for the chat!), and the other two with Walt and Sugar (always fun to have him around during the day!)  Driving, riding in a car, and fresh broccoli aggravate the sickness, so I'll try to keep all those at a minimum. I think cooking my veggies will be the plan for now.

We went back in for a booster shot for my white blood cells this morning. Instead of waiting for my counts to drop, my oncologist wants to boost them before they do. The shot went into my stomach and the nurse said she heard it's less painful if she injects slowly. She was right. I hardly felt it. Tomorrow I go in for my second booster. The potential side effects for this is bone pain, but other than a few jolts in my knee and hip flexor, I'm doing really well. Sure has been comforting knowing I'm walking with God and nothing will surprise Him.

As for me, tomorrow may be a different story. I took my last dose of steroid this afternoon, so I won't have the energy boost I've been enjoying today. I am looking forward to walking with another friend, Susan, tomorrow. She may be the incentive I need to get off the couch when I don't have the energy otherwise. Nothing better than catching up with a friend as we tour the neighborhood on foot.

Chemo #1

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This was on the wall of the room where I sat for six hours having my first chemo treatment. Isn't it beautiful? I kept thinking of all the verses I knew on hope as medicine went into my port. Walt and I shared devotions from our books driving to the hospital and as the premeds were started. His scripture was from Psalm 139:7-10


 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, 
    your right hand will hold me fast.

Jesus kept his promise and was with me all day long. I felt no fear or anxiety at any time. When the nurse took my blood pressure, she was amazed at how low it was. I told her many people were praying for me! 

Unlike big rooms you might see in movies or at other hospitals, Evergreen has small cubicles and treatment rooms when each person sits apart from others. Maybe because it was my first time, we had this nice cozy room at the end of the hall. My oncologist came in and chatted after my blood draws. She complemented me on my hair. She has very short hair and I told her she inspired me to do it. So she asked me if I got it cut at Super Cuts where she gets hers done. I shared a little of my story of how I got my hair cut. She answered questions I had on what I can and can't eat (no salad bars or uncooked food at restaurants), if I eat fresh fruit (raspberries, strawberries, etc.) at home, I'll need to ensure I eat them in a day or two before mold has a chance to start, no blue cheese... Kind of similar to how I was expected to eat when I was pregnant. She explained the warning signs I need to call at any hour if fever or other symptoms occur, and she explained catching things early is important. Then, like a race starter, she gave the signal to begin and made her leave. Each time I spend with her, I like her better.


Walt stayed the whole time. I loved his company, and it was nice to have another pair of eyes to check on reactions. When I was given Taxotere, I put my toes and feet in ice with the hopes of keeping them from turning black or falling out. This is an untested treatment, something they are just trying to see if it works. While my hands were busy and freezing, Walt read the first two chapters of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens to me. Neither one of us have read this classic, so we are trying it out. I loved hearing him read the descriptions of the characters. After he was tired of reading, I just closed my eyes and listened to praise music. 

Part of the reason this appointment went so long was the nurses took care to explain each drug and side effects to watch out for. Since they also bounced around to other patients, sometimes my bag would be dry and we had to wait for a nurse to administer the next drug. My mouth was really dry, so I drank a lot of water (which is good to move the toxins from my kidneys), but it caused me to go to the bathroom often. I got to walk down the hall with my new dance partner, the IVs hooked up on a post on wheels. Also, hercepton was given very slowly to monitor for responses. The next time I have just hercepton, it will be a bit faster since I had no symptons at all on it (praise God!). 


God was with us all day long. I had no immediate side effects, except for a decrease in taste when the Carboplatom was administered. I was sucking on a lemon drop because I heard a metal taste accompanies this drug. Suddenly, I couldn't taste the drop at all. Later, I put in a cinnamon mint, and since it was very strong, I could taste that. The pharmacist popped in to say hi at this time, and he was fascinated by my lack of taste. He's always collecting data on what happens to people as it varies so much from person to person. I have some taste right now, but it is minimal.

On the way home, we had to take back roads to avoid traffic backup, and the curves and hills made me feel a little nauseous. When we drove up to our house, I spotted flowers on our porch. Two friends left bouquets of flowers (yellow roses and peonies) that made me cry. Another friend left a fun book on motherhood and a sweet card. What a wonderful welcome home!


I ate some leftover chicken soup, and took my steroid. I was supposed to take 2 pills each time, but yesterday I only took 1 pill at a time. I think that mistake helped me sleep last night, though, and my oncologist said it wasn't a problem because they would just add more to the IV today. Then Walt and I took Sugar for a walk in the woods. I went down one big hill, but didn't want to go very far to make sure I could get back up the hill. I actually felt good with the exertion, the fresh hair and the company. Once I got back home and did a few small jobs, the nausea returned. I took one of my anti-nausea drugs which is working but making me very tired. So, I'm sure I'm rambling a bit on this post since my brain is not fully engaged. I better end here. Thanks again for being wonderful prayer warriors and supporters as I run this race.

New Prayer Request

Ben's first game in the tournament is Tuesday night at 5. Walt will be out of town on Monday and Tuesday, so please pray that I am able to be at that game so he has someone from the family cheering him on. If anyone local is able to join us, the game is at Freedom Field (Mill Creek Sports park) so should be tons of fun!

Chemo Eve Thankfulness

Ran to the store to buy ginger, sweet potatoes and watermelon. The steroid I took today jump started my appetite so much I felt that the cookies and chocolate were leaning off the shelves, trying to entice me to take them home (my poor version of some horror film). I was fortunate to have a list and I stuck to it (with the exception of a box of whole-wheat crackers to have on hand, just in case.) I was warned that the steroid would increase my appetite, so I prayed specifically that wouldn't do me in. Even though I was tempted by the food, God provided a way out (my list and walking fast!). When I got home, I grabbed a finger-full of the cut up cabbage, tomatoes and red pepper leftover from the fish tacos I made last night. Wow, did that taste good! It is satisfying my appetite, plus it's so good for me. A coincidence? I think not! Thanks, God.

I do have more energy than I've had for a long time. Right now I'm attacking the school closet where the boys store their books and materials. Today is our official last day of school, but we've only been doing math for the past week or so. Now I'm going to try to get the room in shape to prepare for my sister's and niece's visit next week. (You both will probably read this, but don't expect much, just a little less clutter!) So for a strong finish to the school year and energy, thank you, God (#2).

Ben made it on a post-season tournament baseball team, so he has his first practice tonight. Nathan also has his end-of-the year baseball party tonight; Walt and I will divide and conquer again. I'm so excited that Ben has made this team to give me something to look forward to as I come out of this first round of treatment. Nothing like watching my son play baseball (my favorite sport) to take my mind off what's happening right now. So for fun things to distract, even tonight, thank you, God (#3).

Monday was my hard day this week. I felt I needed to get a handle on how to best prepare for chemo. I filled my mind with cancer info before I had my quiet time with God. I was feeling a bit overloaded when I walked away from the computer and found my bible. On top of my bible was a bookmark from the Women's Retreat this year, with the verse, "My grace is sufficient for you..." 2 Corinthians 12: 9. Big sigh of relief. That night I took Nathan to his scout meeting and ran into a good friend who also home schools. She hadn't heard about my cancer, and she could tell I was struggling emotionally, so she offered to pray for me. Her daughter had a serious medical condition, so her words were especially uplifting and comforting.  Even though emotionally, Monday was hard and the tears flowed freely, I felt such a peace praying with her. Thank you Chris! And most of all, thank you God! (#4)

Tonight, my kids will all get to go to friends' houses and be able to enjoy a fun day tomorrow. I am so thankful for these friends, who again, are willing to walk alongside us during this journey. Thank you,God (#5).

Today, I feel more confident about tomorrow than I've felt all week. I know God was waiting for me on this day, to provide strength and peace. Even though the steroid could cause anxiety, I feel like this day was already prepared and shaped through God's hands, and I am just walking in it. I know I won't get everything done on my "to do" list today, but that's okay. I will do the most important things, and that's enough. Thank you, God, for being here today! (#5)

From Jesus Calling devotional from today: Your part is to live close to Me, open to all that I am doing in you...Just keep focusing on Me as we walk through this day together. Enjoy My Presence, which permeates you with Love, Joy and Peace.

And, on Facebook, my friend Sue shared this devotional: "God will take us and change us into something more than we could have ever dreamed--if we refuse to give up and just keep running the race that is set before us!"

Coincidences that these words spoke so clearly to me today? I think not! Thank you God! (#6)

Medical Stuff

For those of you who might be interested in the technical side of chemo, this post is for you. Yesterday I met with the pharmacist at the cancer center to go over what drugs are going to be administered and potential side affects. Today I went to the pharmacy and came home with a whole bag full of drugs to help prevent or fight side effects. I'll need to take a drug called Dexamethasone starting the day before chemo, the day of, and the day after. This is a steroid that will help prevent fluid build-up in the lungs. I will also be taking glutamine, which is a natural supplement prescribed by my naturopath to help prevent some of the chemo side effects, on days 1-4 of my cycle. On Thursday will be my first chemo, starting at 9 a.m.  and lasting about four hours. I will receive an antihistime first, which will more than likely make me drowsy, to prevent a potential allergic reaction. I don't know which order they will be administered, but the chemo regime is called TCH. The T is Taxotere and it targets fast-growing cells. This is why I'll lose my hair. This drug also could cause nail damage so they'll recommend soaking my fingers and toes in ice water while this is administered to help prevent this. The C is Carboplatin and this drug attacks cells in the resting stage. The side effects include hair loss, possible numbness at the ends of my fingers or toes, and potentially a metal taste in my mouth. Both of these drugs could also cause nausea and other flu-like symptons. If the nausea gets bad, I have anti-nausea medicine. My blood count will also be closely monitored, as it will definitely cause a drop in white blood cells, so I need to be careful about my exposure to germs. Th H is Herceptin and is a relatively new drug that targets breast cancer cells specifically and prevent these cells from reproducing rapidly. I will be getting this drug weekly during my 18 weeks of chemo, and then every 3 weeks for the rest of the year. Most people experience minimal side effects with this drug, so I hope I'm like most people.

On days one and two of chemo, I should be feeling okay (thanks to the side benefit of the steroid), as long as I don't have any adverse reactions to any of the drugs. Fatigue and flu-like symptons will probably hit me hard on day three (Saturday) through Monday or Tuesday. My white blood count (wbc) will continue to drop for up to 14 days, and then start to recover. I will go in for Hercepton infusion on days 7 and 14, and then start the new cycle again on day 21 (which I think is July 5th). Every three weeks will begin a new cycle until I finish six cycles.

None of these side effects (besides the potential damage to nails) was a surprise to me. I know it isn't a surprise to God. For those who are praying for me through this journey, the specific prayer requests for chemo is that I not have any adverse or dangerous reactions to any of the drugs, that I will continue to trust God and not worry, that my white blood cells stay in an acceptable range, and I don't develop an infection. If my wbc drops too low, then I'll need a shot to bring them up and the side effect to this is bone pain. This is all under God's firm hand, so I'm confident that He will bring out a good result from all this. With this three-pronged attack on the enemy cancer cells, we will go to battle in order to win this war.

Reading all this info (and there is much more, but I spared you all the details) is daunting. I've been reading blogs of others who have gone through or are in the middle of chemo, and they are able to live relatively normal lives.during treatment. One lady even trains for triathlons. I am inspired by their stories. Yesterday after I met with the pharmacist, I stopped by the cancer support center at the hospital.  The volunteer at the center was a beautiful, spry lady in her late seventies, I'll guess, who said she was a 27-year breast cancer survivor. She helped me find a wig (for free--they get them donated to the center) and I had such an enjoyable time chatting with her and trying out different hair colors and styles. I am continually amazed at people I have met because of this journey. Right now, I am facing a tough battle, but with God on my side, we will win. For I am convinced that "neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:39)

Haircut

This morning I took this goofy shot of my ponytail in the mirror. My hair needed a trim, and whenever that happens, I often wear ponytails. Besides I like wearing ponytails. When I go into chemo next week, if I want to preserve my hair as long as possible, I'm not supposed to wear ponytails or use hot irons, sprays or jells. Basically, I need to let my hair go. I knew the longer length would bug me.So last Friday, I decided to call the salon I've been going to and get a really short haircut to help with the transition, and maybe even stand a chance of keeping some. My usual stylist was on her honeymoon until June 11th, but I didn't want to wait that long. I had just met a friend of one of my friends who does hair out of a salon at her home in Monroe. I got her info and scheduled a haircut for today. I wore my hair in a ponytail one more time because I know it'll be over a year before I'll probably be able to do that again. Yes, I was making this into a bigger deal than it really should have been.

Becca came with me to get her hair trimmed, too. On the way over, I was trying to be all excited about cutting it really short. I'd never have the courage to try this before, I told her, and if I don't like it, it'll be gone in a few weeks anyway. I wanted something hip and messy and fun. The moment I walked into the salon, however,  I started crying. So, Becca got her hair cut first, while we chatted about family stuff. I started to feel better.


Kris, the stylist, told me it's okay to cry, to hate it, to do whatever I feel at the time. She was amazing! As the scissors cut more and more off, I started to like the look of my new short hair. The only time I cried was when I described one of the many kind things that have happened to me since starting my cancer journey. I told Kris that I really liked my hair, but she wasn't supposed to do such a good job since I'll only have it about three weeks. Kris answered that the cool thing about trying this haircut now is I'll have something to look forward to as my hair grows back in. Not only was she kind and encouraging and made this whole thing amazingly fun, when it was time to pay, she refused to accept any money for my haircut. I told her she was going to make me cry again (and of course, I did!). Becca loved her hair, too.

Here is the picture of Becca and me in the salon. I only wished I had taken a picture of Kris, too.

Here is a picture of the boys and me when I got home.

Math and Chemo and Singing

Math. It's been the bane of my daughter's existence since kindergarten. We had another one of those discussions today about why do I need math. Always to be followed by: when am I going to use it in real life? My daughter is probably right that she won't need to use 4A - 17 + 5A = 19A -79 in real life. I doubt that she'll be an architect or scientist or engineer and especially not a math teacher. Again I told her how math helps you develop abilities to think clearly, be disciplined and organized in working through problems, etc. Most of all, I reminded her that the important thing with math for her is it reveals cracks in the way she responds to stress. Until she works through her attitude on this, math will continue to be difficult for her. I am convinced that math is put in my daughter's world to show her what in her character needs some work.

Chemo is my math. I hate the idea of it. I would do anything to avoid it.  I understand the science of why I need to do it, but it's still hard to make sense of spending the next 4 1/2 months of my life putting toxic chemicals in my body. I don't relish the idea of feeling tired, sore, sick, tasting metal in my food and especially losing my hair. How am I going to use that in real life?

Then, like my daughter with math, I realize it's not about the chemo. It's about what God is going to reveal to me about Himself, and what I will learn about myself while I go through chemo. I know God will show me character issues that couldn't have been learned during a nice, easy summer day. I am confident that God will show how much He loves me through the hands of people running this race alongside me.  He will speak to me through His word truths that I will be able to hold onto whether I'm walking in darkness or light. When nothing else makes sense, I know God has a plan, and I'm trusting in that.

Here is the verse I'm taking with me to chemo: "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zeph. 3:17)  I might just sing along!

Living in the Now

When I used to go on long distance bike rides, I remembered that by keeping my focus on where I was instead of the next hill or how badly I wanted to be finished, I had a much more enjoyable ride. In fact, I noticed the sweet smelling flowers as I rode by, or a cow grazing in the field, or the rhythm of my feet peddling the bike. These are all things I would have missed had my mind been preoccupied with what challenge lay ahead.

 I made that mistake yesterday. Instead of enjoying time with my kids at home, my mind wandered to how I was going to respond to chemo. I threw myself into unnecessary worry about whether there might even be cancer growing in some other spot in my body. Consequently, my mood plummented. By dinner, I wasn't very fun to be around.

Right now I'm in the flat of my race. I have no appointments scheduled until June 8th. Chemo doesn't start until the 14th. I feel strong, healthy, been walking hills so my endurance is building up from surgery. I am eating well, and my clothes are baggy on me. I'm reading a devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young , and she is good at reminding me that Jesus is not in the future. If you want the strength and peace He promises, then it'll only be found in the present. If I choose to let my mind go to the future and the what ifs, then I'm on my own.

Today, I watched Nathan work on his math, and said, "You know, Buddy, you got this. Go ahead and skip this section. You're done for the day." (After all, I am the teacher and I can do those things!) I looked at wigs online with Becca, and we laughed so hard at the long-haired blonde wig she thought I should buy. Now, this is stuff we are living right now. This is the joy God gives when I stay in the now. Tomorrow has enough worries, and I needn't jump there. Instead, as I look at the clock, I need to go grab Ben and take him to his semi-final playoff baseball game. Today, I get to watch my youngest play his heart out on the baseball diamond. I feel pretty blessed!