Final Radiation Stretch

I haven't written lately because fatigue has come knocking on my door again. Thanksgiving was the last energetic day I remember having. It was a wonderful time hanging out with friends and family. The next day Becca and I did brave the mall in our annual tradition of spending Black Friday together. I also had to make a trip to the hospital for treatment that day. When I returned, I took a nap, woke up long enough to eat dinner, and went back to bed and slept all night. Every day since then I've been feeling increasingly more tired.

This is par for the course as I round the bend for my final stretch of radiation treatments. People who haven't had chemo undergo fatigue, but those of us who have get hit much harder, according to my doctor. I was telling the nurse today that I don't have the energy to handle much these days. It sort of feels like my body is fighting off a cold--when in fact my body is working hard at healing and rebuilding healthy cells. Unlike the fatigue I had while I was undergoing chemo, this isn't totally debilitating. I can still do things. In fact, it's best if I am fairly active during the day (I'm keeping up with the walks and other exercise) so my sleep is more restorative at night. It's hard to balance doing enough with doing too much, though, because for the most part I am feeling well.  The kids have been great at recognizing that I can't do much after 7 at night, even if I'm still awake.

As another side effect, I now have a "sunburn" on my skin. It's pink and darker under my arms. I asked the nurse today if I should be increasing the number of times I put lotion on it, and she said that won't prevent it from getting red at this point. It's strictly a comfort level on my part, so if it is feeling sore or itchy, I should put lotion on for relief. My favorite is the pure Aloe Vera, but I also use an ointment called Magic Balm which is made of natural ingredients, like olive oil, organic comfrey and calendula. It was expensive, so I primarily use it right after treatment. The aloe is great for cooling off the skin.

I finished treatment number 22 today. According to my schedule, I only have four more whole-breast treatments. The remaining nine treatments are called boosts and will focus on the area where my tumor was. Because I won't need to hold my breath anymore,  I'm sure the treatments will be much simpler and quicker.

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Walt and I just got back from a walk on the trail behind the Mill Creek Towne Center. I haven't completed this walk since my 5th chemo, so it is fun today to feel so strong. I'm a bit stiff and sore, but otherwise feeling well.

I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. That Tiffany is cooking the turkey today cannot be appreciated enough! I am so thankful for her!

Since starting on this race, I have been able to see things from a different perspective. Before, I would be almost cavalier in thanking God for health. I've never had a health problem, not even a little one, before this. My kids and husband are healthy. It's easy to take such an important thing for granted.

Even though I am finishing up treatment to rid my body of any potential lingering cancer cells, I am still so grateful for my health. I was strong enough to get through chemo with minimal side effects. Even though the nausea was hard to deal with, it wasn't life threatening. Some people have needed to be hospitalized because of infection or some adverse reaction to the drugs. My heart is strong and not suffering any ill effects from the life-saving Herceptin that I receive. Advancements in technology make side effects of radiation minimal, and my body has been able to manage even those with minimal skin redness and soreness so far.

This scare has also made me more aware of the importance of nutrition and exercise, which will be a long term benefit even beyond cancer. I cannot take for granted the taste of icy cold water or warm tea or a latte, all things that tasted terrible while on chemo.  All food tastes wonderful to me these days, and I'm going to enjoy every mouthful of Thanksgiving dinner today.

I am thankful for the lessons to live in the moment, to enjoy today, to depend fully on God and trust Him through all circumstances, and to not worry about tomorrow. I am thankful for the time spent with God during this journey.

Last, and most definitely not least, I am thankful for my family and friends. Life is lived more abundantly when shared with such amazing people. Thanks to everyone who has touched my life in such incredible ways. I wouldn't have been able to see my blessings so clearly without going on this cancer journey, so yes, today I can say, I'm thankful for everything that I've gone through.

 Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving Eve

Yesterday as I was lying on the table, measured and positioned exactly to the right specifications, my goggles on and arms above my head, I waited for the breathing instructions, “Go ahead and hold into the blue for a film.” Suddenly, I felt an urge to cough. I tried to suppress it, but it kept tickling. Maybe one cough will clear it out, I thought. One cough led to a second and a third. It was only getting worse. My techs came back into the room and offered me a drink of water and said I could sit up and take off the goggles, if I needed to. Sitting up, a couple of coughs and a drink of water cleared my throat. I lay back down and told them I was sorry as they began to measure everything again. They smiled and said they understood. Everyone I've met in the radiation oncology department has been amazing. I was able to make it through my five breath holds without another incident.

This rare coughing attack brought to mind how thankful I am that I haven’t suffered any serious illness while my immune system has been compromised. I haven’t even had a cold. I think yesterday’s cough was from dryness as I haven’t had any other symptoms. This time of year, I hear about so many people falling to a cold or the flu, and they have normal levels of white blood cells. 

Without a doubt, I know God is protecting me. I told Walt the other day that I feel like He’s placed a bubble around me during chemo and now during radiation. I have been a bit careless as of late, not washing my hands quite as much, even touching shopping carts without sanitizing them first. As much as I know God has my back, I also need to be smart and keep vigilant with my hand sanitizer. 

Today's appointment went without a coughing attack or any other problem. I just counted and I've finished 18! That's over halfway. Today the man who goes in right before me finished his last treatment. His wife always sits quietly in the waiting room, playing a game on her I-Phone. Today she chatted with me about her daughter and grandson. I am almost sorry they won't be around anymore. (Glad that they are finished with their treatment, though.) Another lady who works as a nurse in the hospital greeted me as she was leaving today with a quick, "I have only three more to go!" Good for her. It really goes quickly. I might even miss this experience when I'm done. 

I met with Dr. Hunter today and he called me a star. He said my films are excellent, that the techs and I are working together to use the breathing technique perfectly so that I shouldn't suffer any long term side effects. My skin is still holding up. I have noticed more fatigue creeping in every day. It's 8:30 p.m. and I can't wait to hit the sack. 

Becca's downstairs making Rainbow Jello for our feast tomorrow. She's making 12 layers, with time needed for each layer to set. I'm proud of her diligence.  I gave up. I'm tired. We are heading out to our friends, the Sanders, tomorrow.  I am thankful that Tiffany is roasting the turkey and making stuffing and mashed potatoes, baking pies...all the hard stuff. I went to Costco and picked up rolls and bread, some veggies, and a pie. All I have to do tomorrow is put things together, roast brussel sprouts (my new favorite veggie), and haul everything down the street to celebrate Thanksgiving. It's going to be a fun day!

Teeth, Hair and Rejoicing...

I had my first post-chemo trip to the dentist this week. I am thankful that my gums and teeth survived chemo. I had a fluoride treatment on them for extra protection as I continue to recover.

Ben played in a soccer tournament this past weekend. It was rainy and cold, but not nearly as cold as two years ago when Nathan played in the same tournament. He faced some stiff competition this weekend and was disappointed his team didn't do better. I am thankful that I got to be there, despite the cold and the rain.

I had a dream last night that my hair had grown back thick and dark, about 2-3 inches, long enough to wear without a hat. I had fun showing off my new hairstyle. The dream felt so real that the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to check on my hair. Still thin and fluffy.  I couldn't help being a bit disappointed. I have no idea how long it's going to take to grow. I don't have any bald spots, but the hair is very light, like baby's hair.

As I often do when I have a question, I did a search on Google to get a ballpark on when I can expect to see real hair on my head, not this peach fuzz. Of course, the answer is everyone's hair grows at different speeds, and it depends on where I was in my hair growth cycle, because I guess hair grows in cycles. I saw a Youtube video documenting one person's experience as her hair grew back,  which was pretty interesting.  I think I should expect at least four to five months.

Then I discovered that with Taxotere, some people never regrow hair, or if they do, it's very thin...

What? Is that true? I hadn't heard about the potential of not growing back hair.  It must be rare as my doctor is very thorough on giving me all the side effects. I looked again and discovered about 6%... that seems pretty high. Um...

However, as most things in this journey, I cannot worry about things in the future. I will pray that I grow my hair back and trust God fully. I have a good start of peach fuzz since I never fully lost all my hair, so I'll just hope for more thickness and growth. And mostly, to be patient during this time.

At least I haven't grown too sick of hats yet. Today I wore the brown hat that Krista and Pam gave me and got so many new compliments. My cousin Luci is knitting me hats that I'm eager to add to my supply. Maybe I'll even splurge on a hat I saw online. Before my dream, I wasn't even thinking about my hair. Now, I need to refocus on things that are important again. Like things I'm thankful for, such as ... HATS! That even with the side effects, the chemo drugs are kicking any cancer in my body. That I am recovering and feeling good. These are the blessings in my life. When my hair grows back, I'll add that to my list. Until then, I won't worry. Instead, I plan to rejoice in the Lord.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again, rejoice! Philippians 4:4

Thankful For Family

Even though I've blogged about my immediate family members, I couldn't let this month pass without a shout out to the rest of my large, extended family. I remember back in high school, one of my sisters was going through a faze of only wanting to be with her friends. My dad told her that friends will come and go, but your family will always be there. As we grew up, my brother and sisters and I have gone our separate ways, yet whenever we've had a chance to get together, we always have a blast. During this journey, we've been closer than ever before. Cards. Gifts. Phone calls. Emails. My sister Cindy and niece Nicole, who live the closest, have come numerous times to clean, cook, walk and hang out. Unexpectedly, my siblings and Dad gave me a gift of money to help pay for gas or whatever would help during radiation. So very thoughtful and generous.

I married into a wonderful family as well. My husband's sister would like nothing better than to be here for us during this time, but logistics prevents this at this time. She has made up for her lack of closeness with cards and calls and especially prayers. My mother-in-law flew in, and I don't think she rested once during her time here. Walt's Aunt Yolanda from El Salvador, a breast cancer survivor herself, came here to encourage me early in my treatment as well.

As hard as this journey has been, it's also brought with it the blessing of reconnecting with extended family through cards, emails and Facebook.  My cousin Debbie has sent care packages to encourage me. Another cousin, Luci, has offered to knit me some hats for this winter. Because I'm really tired now, I think I'm forgetting other things I wanted to say, but I know one thing for sure: I have a wonderful family! I am blessed!

I found this quote and it sums it up beautifully:

Being a family means you are part of something

 very wonderful. 

It means that you will love

 and be loved the rest of your life. 

No matter what. 

Thankful For My Friends

I can't imagine going through this journey without my wonderful friends. I'm able to be home right now because the Comstocks were willing to take Nathan to the scout meeting tonight. With Walt out of town, I feel pretty stretched and tired. This weekend was busy getting the kids to all their activities (with the help of other friends, of course). After I got home from treatment today, I only had time to do a few dishes, follow up on some of the kids' school,  and catch my breath before running Ben to his soccer practice.  I am so thankful that I didn't have to take Nathan to scouts, too. We would have gotten there late, and since the meeting was at a new location tonight, I would have had the stress of figuring out where we were going. So, here is another of the many times during this journey that I've been so thankful for my friends.

Today, after I was done with my radiation treatment, I sat up and noticed for the first time how high I was from the ground. All this time, I thought the machine swung down to me, when in fact the table I lie on is lifted up to the machine. It's a weird feeling to have your perspective switched so suddenly. I hadn't noticed this before because as soon as I lie down, I put on the goggles with the computer screen on the inside of the lens, and I don't see anything else when I undergo treatment.

When I got down, Chris, the student tech, pointed out the stool that Janet, who is quite short, uses to do her measuring.  I hadn't noticed that either. We were all laughing when I left.

Laughing in the face of cancer treatment feels good. I read Psalm 16 today and focused on verses 8 and 9:

 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore,  my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure.

Tomorrow Becca and I need to take Sugar to the vet for a minor surgery. She has a growth on her chest that started really small, and since I didn't want to deal with it during my chemo treatments, we postponed having it removed. During these past months, it's really grown. While she is under anesthesia, she'll also get the tarter on the back of her teeth scraped off, which should keep her gums healthy. I hope her recovery is quick, but since this is our first experience with anything like this, we have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow.

Thankful For My Doctors

I love my doctors. I love how they work so seamlessly together. I saw this first when I asked my oncologist for a referral to a naturopath. My naturopath, Dr. Martin, knows what supplements I can and can't take while undergoing cancer treatments. She keeps my oncologist appraised of what she has me take. Dr. Hunter, my radiation oncologist, oversaw the pathology reports and MRIs, and spoke highly of my surgeon,  Dr. Clinch. My surgeon referred me to Dr. Kohn, my oncologist, and they consulted with each other when my first surgery didn't get a large enough rim of healthy tissue around the cancer site. Dr. Kohn knows my endocrinologist and referred me to the ophthalmologist who corrected the problem I was having with my tear ducts.

No detail has fallen through the cracks between any of my doctors, including all the diagnostic tests and the timing when I started chemo or radiation. Every one of them gives me as much time as I need to ask my questions and learn about options and things I can do to stay healthy. I am thankful for all my doctors.

Yesterday I met with Dr. Kohn and received my Herceptin.  Because the cancer center moved to a new location in the hospital and operates under new procedures, I now meet my doctor in an examining room and not in the room where I receive my infusions. Yesterday's meeting reminded me of when Walt and I first met her, sitting in a similar examining room. At first, I wasn't very impressed. All my other doctors are very personable, and while Dr. Kohn is very nice, the conversation didn't flow as easily. She was interrupted several times and needed to leave to handle "emergencies."  I was tempted to look for another oncologist, but I'm so glad that Walt was there and gave me his perspective. He thought she was very smart and knew what she was talking about.  I am glad we decided to go with her. No detail, large or small, escapes her attention. She was the one who caught my tear duct scarring before it became permanent. The nurses all speak highly of Dr. Kohn. At every meeting I have with her, she has a list of questions that she hand writes specific to my situation. She's a great doctor.

Yesterday, she told me the results of my latest echo which indicated no change with my heart. That, of course, is good and means I can continue with the Herceptin. She followed up on all the the things we discussed last time. She even took time to ask what I was doing for Thanksgiving, how Walt and I met, and where I was from originally. My symptoms are disappearing and nothing new has come up, so we had a fun, easy meeting.

I mentioned earlier that my cancer center moved to another wing of the hospital. I pass by the new offices on my way to radiation every day. Because the center is now part of Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (connected now with Fred Hutchinson and the UW), I needed to stop first at Central Registration to update my information with them, even though I will be seeing the same doctor and nurses as I've always seen. After updating all my information,  I was then directed back down the hall to my doctor's office. In the old place, everything was taken care of in one location.  I'd  go to the front and check in, receive my brown folder and go to the back of the office and sit in the brown chairs. From here a nurse would show me to a chair get my vitals. Then an infusion nurse would hook up my port for the infusion, and my doctor would come back to see me. Now I go to separate places to get all the things I used to get done at once. Because everyone is still learning the ropes, the waiting between the different locations was long. The nurses have to get medications double checked by another nurse now and take time to log everything into the computer. What would have taken at most 90 minutes in the old location took over three hours yesterday. I barely made it to my radiation appointment by the time I was done with oncology.

The good thing about the changes is the infusion area is spacious and each person has a nice private area, some with flat screen TVs. They also  have a nutrition center that, in addition to the juices and water they offered in the old place, they now offer healthy snacks as well. Walt would have had a better time here during our long chemo days, which I hope we never have to do again, though. Because my infusions are ordinarily pretty quick, I'll be in and out before I get to appreciate this new space. Access to this space is really easy from the parking lot. Putting oncology and radiation close together makes sense and will be more convenient for patients who need both services.

Speaking of radiation, I found this video of Dr. Hunter, and it gives you a good idea of  what the radiation machine looks like, along with one of the techs I've had. I don't wear one of those masks on my face since I have radiation in a different area, my head fits into a mold with my hands above my head, and there are sheets on the table that they use to pull me into the exact spot needed, but other than that, it's pretty indicative of what I do every day.

Thankful for Ben

 Ben in his Halloween Costume

Wearing his dad's army shirt

Today I am thankful for my youngest child. Ben has been known to provoke in me one of those bursting-from-the-inside, can't-catch-your-breath sort of laughs. We were taking a walk and he looked down,  wondering, "Is there something on my shirt?" Just as he said that, I turned around to watch him pretend to run into a mailbox, his hand banging the side with a resounding thud. He looked at me all innocent and asked, "Why didn't you warn me?" That's Ben in a nutshell. Funny, creative, immensely sweet. The other day I suggested that Nathan might want to wear another layer under his soccer shirt. He said he didn't think he needed to. I answered, "That's right, you are a boy and you are tough, unlike your mom." Ben looked me in the eye, overhearing this conversation, and said, "I think you are tough because of what you've gone through."   Pretty amazing words coming from a ten year old boy. I love to watch him play sports because he throws his whole heart into it, whether he is being a pesky defender in soccer or gobbling up grounders hit up the middle in baseball. He has brought laughter and fun to our home these past 10 years and I'm so thankful for every minute of it.

Today, I finished treatment #7. I met a lady who was going in for her second treatment. She told me her last day is scheduled to be Christmas Eve. She is hoping she can come in on Thanksgiving instead so she would be done a day earlier. I'm thankful that I am done on the 17th. It would be hard to have treatment that close to Christmas.

Day #4: Nathan

 Nathan, manning his post at our church's Big Fall Bash, always willing to help

Coming in for a breather at a soccer game earlier in the season

Today, I am thankful for my son, Nathan. Since he was little, Nathan has always been curious about things. His voice asking questions was a constant in our home (and still is, for that matter.)  When he was 4 years old, Nathan wanted to do the same math as his older sister, who was in first grade. When I showed him a kindergarten book he could do, he said he wanted to do what Becca was doing. I thought eventually he'd get off the bus when it got too hard, but he never did. I love that God gave him an ability to grasp mathematical concepts easily. He quietly does his schoolwork each day and is often helping out his brother with math. I am thankful that he has a sensitive spirit and is always eager to pitch in wherever help is needed. He notices things I do for the kids, always thanking me for running them around to practices and other activities. Our family wouldn't work as well without our middle child, and I'm thankful that I get to experience life with him.

So, it's Sunday evening and I'm switching gears from a fun weekend where I did things like see Nathan play soccer and hang out with a great group of other homeschooling moms. Tomorrow morning will be filled with the kids' co-op classes. I will get my walk in around the parking lot while the kids are in their classes. Then I'll run them home to finish their schoolwork, and I'll head to the hospital for radiation treatment #6.  On Friday, I have my Herceptin infusion before radiation,  which will be interesting since the cancer center I've been going to since June is opening tomorrow in their new location next to radiology. Since they are now part of Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, I'll need to fill out new registration info and learn new procedures.. My doctor and all the nurses will be the same, though.  Herceptin is such an easy infusion, too, so the morning might even be fun.

Thankfulness #3: My Daughter

 Becca in her Halloween Costume

Riding Summer, where she wishes she could spend all her time

In so may ways, Becca has made me the mom I am today. Moments after she was born, the doctor laid her on my chest, and she immediately captured my heart. She looked up at me with this furrowed brow, as if she questioned whether I knew what I was doing. Well, she was right. I didn't know the first thing about being a mom, and because we are so different in  many ways, I have grown in ways that wouldn't have been possible without her. I've learned to enjoy horses, because she loves them so. (I still prefer watching her ride rather ride myself.) I have needed to know what I believe because she is quick to challenge what I took for granted. Surprisingly enough, she has changed me from someone who would never be caught dead going to the mall on Black Friday to someone who is looking forward to this annual tradition that we share.  I have seen God bless her with a beauty that is both inside and out, and I love watching her grow in grace. When young moms find out I have a 14 year old daughter, they expect me to tell them how hard this age is. I surprise many by saying how much I enjoy this age and what a great kid she is. We had our challenges when she was younger, and because we worked through them then, I delight in the relationship we now have. I will be forever grateful that God allows me to be Becca's mom.. 

Now, here's a quick health update on me. This morning I went on a challenging walk and felt strong and able to keep a good pace throughout. I think my red blood cells are recovering or the supplements I'm taking to take away muscle pain are working. Either way, I'm so excited about how good I felt after this walk today. .

I have noticed my neurapathy has gotten a lot better. I still have a little numbness at the tips of some of my fingers, but it is hardly noticeable. I think my hair is growing, even though it's minuscule   For the first time since it was shaved in June, I have to remember to towel off my head after showers now, since there's enough hair to at least absorb some moisture now. 

I also drank coffee this morning! It tasted very good. Walt and I sat in the living room chatting while I sipped on coffee. I really missed this. I enjoy drinking tea, but it's just not the same as coffee. Only a coffee lover would understand.

The side effects from radiation are pretty minimal so far. I'm glad I have a couple days of no treatment to recover even more. I have a bit of soreness around the chest, but since my muscles in my legs and arms are feeling so much better, this new pain is hardly noticeable.

Now it's time for bed. We get an extra hour of sleep tomorrow, and I plan to enjoy every minute of it!

Day 2 of Thankfulness

Back in April when I got the call from Evergreen Hospital  to return for another mammogram and diagnostic ultrasound because something showed up on my routine mammogram, I remember calling Walt at work. I tried so hard to be brave, but the moment I heard his voice, I started crying. When I was able to pull myself together and explain what was happening, he asked if I wanted him to come to the appointment. I told him I did but I knew he was busy at work. He said work wasn't as important as being there for me when I needed him.

Throughout this journey, he has done an amazing job supporting me. While we were gathering information from the doctors about my diagnosis and treatment plan, he rearranged his schedule to be at those meetings. He came to every one of my chemo days and most of my followup appointments. One of the first meetings we had after finding out I had cancer was with Dr. Hunter, who is both a radiation oncologist and medical director of the cancer program at Evergreen. After we were told that I would need chemo because of the aggressive nature of my cancer, Walt told him that it's during times like this that we live out our faith. While we don't question God when we receive blessings, we shouldn't question why when He gives us something difficult. It is this faith and direction for our family that I admire in Walt. Throughout my surgeries, chemo and now radiation, he has been by my side supporting and encouraging me.  He picked up the load I could no longer perform at home, in addition to being extremely busy at work. Even though I experienced pain, hair loss, nausea and fatigue, Walt had to watch me go through all this. It's not an easy task. On this second day of thankfulness, I am thankful for my amazing husband.

November Thankfulness #1

During this month of Thanksgiving, I plan to shift my focus in my posts to thankfulness. I can't promise I'll post every day, but I already have a long lists of things swirling in my mind to include this month.

The first thing I'm thankful for (these are not in any order, just random thoughts each day...) is good weather for driving to the hospital each day. I know I'm just in my first week of radiation and I have a long way to go, but I'm thankful that I didn't have to drive to the hospital in a hurricane or snow or ice, for that matter.  Today as I was driving, I wondered how many people on the East Coast weren't able to get to their treatments this week because of Hurricane Sandy. Along with good weather, I am thankful for my car that has been so dependable through all my trips back and forth from the hospital.

Today,I'm not feeling the fatigue as badly. It's 9 p.m. and I still have energy even though it was a busy day. After taking a morning walk and helping the kids with schoolwork, I drove the kids to their English co-op. I left early to make it to my radiation appointment and arranged for the kids to get rides home. When I returned, it was time to take Becca to her horseback riding lesson, Nathan to a friend's house, pick up Ben from his friend's, and watch the end of Becca's lesson. Becca is learning to jump, and it's fascinating to watch her maintain balance while riding bareback and clearing a jump. Really fun. By the time we all made it home, it was dark. I made a quick soup for dinner to serve along with the leftover pizza from last night. It's been a good day. So thankful that I can participate in it.