Technology...

I know technology has improved many things, but sometimes I wonder if an old-fashioned slip of paper wouldn't work better. This morning I took Ben to the doctor to check out his blood-shot eye. The doctor diagnosed allergies and wrote a prescription for some eye drops to help clear the irritation. She told me that she would send the prescription electronically to my pharmacy. A few hours later, I went to this pharmacy but they didn't have any record of a prescription for Ben. I called the doctor's assistant. Yes, she said she can look online and see that it was sent. Back to the lady at the pharmacy. Well, she doesn't have any record of it. Can the doctor resend it? Another phone call to the doctor. This time I spoke with a different lady who said that the prescription was not sent yet and the doctor was in the file so it couldn't be sent yet. I drove home from the pharmacy without the medicine and no clue when I would be able to pick it up. By the time I finished running around today, the pharmacy was closed, so I need to drive over there tomorrow to see if I have better luck.Yup, sure would have been nice to walk out of the doctor's office with a prescription written on a piece of paper.

A similar thing happened when I tried to schedule my echo this time. I walked out of the doctor's office this time with the paperwork but handed it off to scheduling who was supposed to fax the request to Evergreen Cardiology. I gave a few minutes and called them to set up the appointment. Nope, don't have paperwork yet but she said she'd call me as soon as she got it. This was on a Friday. By the following Wednesday, I still hadn't heard from anyone. After a phone call to Cardiology, I was told they still haven't receive the necessary paperwork. So I called my doctor's nurse. She transferred me to scheduling. I spoke with someone there and gave an additional fax number she could use. Thursday....no phone call to schedule an appointment. Still nothing on Friday. Keep in  mind that the two offices are just on the other side of the hospital...not across town. I called again on Monday to the Cardiology office. "Nope, no paperwork." Back in touch with scheduling... "We faxed it to both numbers." Fortunately at this point, the lady in scheduling said she would call cardiology directly and see what is going on. I willing gave up my middle-man-status. Waited for the rest of the afternoon, but still no appointment. Finally, on Tuesday, the scheduler for Cardiology called and asked if this was a good time to schedule an appointment. I told her of course it was (I didn't dare let her off the phone!) We scheduled an appointment for the next day and it should be plenty of time for the cardiologist to look before my scheduled Herceptin infusion next Thursday. For something that should have been so simple, technology certainly complicated it.

Despite my mini-rant on the "joy" of technology, I am very thankful today. Because I deserve to die for my sins. Jesus didn't have to, but He stepped in and took my place. He died a cruel death. Wretched. Good Friday. A day for thankfulness. A day of grace and mercy. A good day to pause and reflect...

The Emotions of Spring

As I write this, I'm watching Ben's baseball practice. It's a busy time of year for our family with two boys on different teams and a daughter with lots of activities to coordinate. I love spring because of baseball, tulips and daffodils, and the promise of warmer temperatures. This time of year also dredges up lots of memories of the start of this breast cancer race. In fact, if you see me around these days, don't be surprised or worried if you see tears in my eyes. Things are a bit emotional for me as memories break through the surface.

It was on Good Friday of last year that I went in for the mammogram that revealed my cancer. While that was the beginning of this emotional and physical roller coaster, it can also be considered a day that saved my life. Had I not gone in for my routine mammo at this time, or waited much longer to get it on the calendar, my fast-growing, aggressive cancer could have spread to my lymph nodes or somewhere in my bones, liver or brain. My Stage II diagnosis could have easily been Stage III or the incurable Stage IV.  Yes, I'm thankful that my cancer was discovered when it was and I will not look at Good Friday (no matter what day it falls on each year) the same again.

Just being at the baseball fields where last year so many of my friends stepped in the gap to help deliver our boys to a practice or game when Walt and I were stuck in a doctor's office or traffic trying to make our way home is emotional. I'm looking at the bleachers where I sat after my surgery and kept score, trying to keep my focus on the present and not worry about what my next step would be. My days were filled with appointments and tests and procedures, but my nights were for watching baseball whenever I could. Ben hasn't received a hat for this year's team, yet, so he still wears his Mariners' hat with the pink ribbon stitched on the side. I'm looking forward to building more memories as I watch the boys play, not so much around my cancer, but of living life.

Yesterday I went in for my echo on my heart. I am being monitored a lot more closely since my last one showed the decrease in my heart function. For some reason, it took three follow-up calls by me to get this appointment scheduled. I may have been more relaxed about it had there not been the concern with how Herceptin might be affecting my heart. I have my next infusion scheduled for next Thursday, the day before I leave for Colorado. I wanted to make sure the cardiologist had time to look at the pictures and get his recommendation over to my oncologist. If I don't hear from her, I'll assume that things are still okay to receive the infusion as scheduled. I'm getting down to my final ones, and I hope to be able to complete the recommended course of this drug without any more damage to my heart.

Teaching in our Co-Op

Today was my first turn at teaching in our literature/writing co-op. We had a big planning meeting last spring to sign up for which books and classes we wanted to teach. Back then, I had all my hair and a few extra pounds. I hadn't started treatment yet. I had this huge hurdle to cross and had no idea what it would take to do it. We purposely scheduled my turns toward the end of the school year, not knowing how long my recovery would be or when I'd have the strength to add in the extra work involved. For a few days, when I thought my cancer might have spread in my back, I wished I had at least taught a couple of times in January and February when I was feeling good. In those middle-of-the-night wanderings of my mind, I didn't want to let anyone down.

Well, today I felt strong, too, and we had a terrific time. I discussed the incredible book, Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis with a talented group of mostly 6th and 7th graders.

It was fun researching ideas, chewing on story charts, considering vocabulary words and activities, and prepping for this class. This week, either in the dentist office or the car while I waited for my kids, I carried my copy of the book, with my blue post-its marking key passages fanning out of the pages. In class today, we laughed and discussed and dug into this book. It was a fun day. I feel like it also represented a bit of getting back to normal, pulling my own weight in a co-op again. Next I teach the 8th and 9th graders. Going to start prepping for that tomorrow.

Sunday Musings

In Our House...

 We Do Real

We DO Mistakes

We do I'm Sorry

We do second chances

We do FUN

We do Hugs

We do Forgiveness

We do loud really well

We do Family

We do LOVE.

Becca and I went shopping in Snohomish this afternoon. We found a sign with these words (or similar...couldn't remember them exactly and am too tired to make the trek downstairs to read them) and fell in love with it. We also found a small candle that smells like a cinnamon roll...  After shopping, we tried to add in a bit longer of a walk but got caught in the rain. Instead, we darted into a shoppe where I had to treat Becca to a strawberry crepe while I sipped on a cappuccino in a real mug. Perfection! We had a terrific time. This is what Sundays are for!

When we got home, Walt and Nathan were playing scrabble. Nathan was having trouble forming a word without a vowel. He asked for my help. I saw an A that we could make into STAR...oh, wait, make that STARK for a triple letter score.... because he formed three words with at once, he was able to rack up over 30 points on one move! Not bad for my chemo-recovering mind! I can do somethings pretty well now. One of the things I have recovered quickly is my ability to add. I think since we concentrate on math a lot at home, I've been able to fine tune that part of my brain. Words, which had been my strength prior to chemo, still are hard for me sometimes. This afternoon at home, Becca asked what was up with the curve in a spoon she grabbed from the drawer. I told her it was used for spaghetti. What I meant to say was for scooping out ice cream...Yup, not even close.

Then when I got home later this evening, I noticed a banana peel on the coffee table. I instructed a child to throw away that apple peel... and didn't even know I said that until that same child brought it to my attention. Well, at least the word was in the same category this time! Part of it is the normal busy mom distraction and the beginning of old age symptoms... Then add in the effects of chemo, and sometimes the results are kind of funny. Writing doesn't come as easily to me as before. I'm thankful for this blog as it does give me a place to keep practicing. Chemo-brain can last as long as a year, I'm told.... but, I should be able to use it as an excuse for any spacey thing I do from now on, right?

Friday

It’s 8:15 p.m and I’m doing what I find myself doing a lot of...waiting. This time I'm waiting for Becca to finish up at her senior high spa night, then I'll give her and some of her friends a ride home. This is right after I waited for Nathan's practice to end so I could drop him off and take Becca to her event. Earlier I had to wait for a doctor...then a nurse to hook me up for an infusion...then waited while an EKG test was administered.... well, I'm getting a head of myself, so I should probably start at the beginning of my day. 

Today was a doctor visit and Herceptin. My back is almost completely healed, so it was an easy appointment. A couple of weeks ago I was so certain that I would be needing a scan of some sorts to rule out cancer, and now that fear has disappeared with the back pain. It almost seems like those emotions and fears never happened. I guess it's either a result of living for each day or residual memory loss from chemo. Either way, I'm enjoying good health today. 

Dr. Kohn said my blood counts have all returned to the normal range. She said my Vitamin D was really high, so I could decrease the amount of the supplement I take. The one concerning thing she had to report  was the result of my latest echo. The cardiologist saw a decrease in  the ejection fraction of my heart.  It’s a small decrease and won’t prevent me from receiving Herceptin at this point, but it is something that needs to be monitored closely. Instead of going in for an echo every 3 months, I now need to go in every 2. My next echo needs to come before my next Herceptin in early April. Dr. Kohn also wanted to get an EKG on me. Fortunately, she said they can perform this test while I’m getting my infusion. I was grateful to not have to come back for another appointment. Dr. Kohn has noticed a slow pulse the past few times I’ve come in. I told her that I have a history of having a low pulse. Herceptin does not slow down the heart, so she thinks a possibility is because I have a slow rate naturally, the reading of the heart's ejection rate is affected, too. Anyway, she’s not worried about it, and I won’t either. I’m glad they monitor me closely. If things turn worse, I will need a break from Herceptin. Usually the heart bounces back after a break, but, of course, I'd prefer not needing a break. It's that fine balance I walk between cancer and the side effects of all the treatments.

While I was getting my EKG, the technician noticed that Dr. Kohn was my doctor and told me she really likes her. Her sister-in-law also goes to her, after not having a good experience with a previous oncologist at a different hospital. The technician said that Dr. Kohn never takes more than a couple of days off because she doesn't enjoy being out of touch from her patients. While I don’t know how healthy this is in the long run, it is nice to know how much she cares. I feel like I can rest in the fact that she’ll watch out for anything that might be a precursor to something serious, like this thing with my heart. Even with my back, she wouldn't let me just tell her that it was better. She wanted the specifics of how it was feeling and when it stopped hurting.  I remember when my surgeon, Dr. Clinch, told his assistant to make an appointment for me with one of the oncologists. She could have chosen any of them at the cancer clinic, but I feel God directed her to call the one He wanted on my team. It’s been that way all along this journey, and I am thankful.

Before leaving for my appointments today, I booked tickets for Becca and me to go to Colorado. My brother is having a wedding reception and the rest of my siblings, my dad, cousins, an aunt….lots of family…will be there. After our trip to Florida, I didn't know if I was up for another trip, financially or physically. While my back was sore, I didn't want to even think about it. My sister, Sue, sent me an email a couple of days ago and said she found some reasonably priced tickets from Seattle to Denver still available. I chuckled as I had been checking just that thing when the email came in. Last night I found some tickets for $200 apiece, but we would have to leave at 6 a.m. That didn't seem very fun. Becca seemed excited to go, but I couldn't decide. Since my stomach was hurting, I decided to go to bed early, and figure it out in the morning, knowing full well those reasonably-priced tickets could disappear. This morning, not only could I find $200 tickets, but a new departure time of 11:45 opened up. After spending time in prayer and asking God to show me specifically if we should go or not, I knew He had answered my prayer. As soon as I hit purchase, I felt an incredible peace, along with a bunch of excitement that I get to hang out with my family! I was able to switch an infusion appointment to Thursday so we could leave on Friday. The rest of the details will have to be figured out later.

So now as I finish up this post, it's almost 11. I've been home for a while, but thought I'd better post this before I go to bed. I'm glad today is almost over. It's been a busy day of a busy week. Most of all, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. God is good.

Back Update

Are you getting tired of hearing about my back? I know I am! The good news is it is continuing to get better. I'm trying to be careful with it (sleeping on a firmer mattress, icing it, taking anti-inflammatory pills, etc.), but yesterday one of my friends mentioned I shouldn't be lifting a heavy backpack, either. (I was hauling around my laptop to the kids' lit co-op so I could do some work on a lesson I am preparing for an upcoming class.) I feel confident that my back is going to be better, but my friend is right. I shouldn't put extra stress on it while it is healing. I'll try to be wiser about what I lift for now. I'm looking forward to the day my back is 100% pain free... I'm getting there.

It's amazing to me to think that one week ago today, I was in the depths of fear and worry about my back. How did I let myself go down that path so quickly? I think it's because I chose to focus on what could be instead of God. Could God lead me down a difficult path? Of course. Could I get not-so-good news down the road? Yes. It's happened before. Does it do an ounce of good to worry about something that may not ever come into existence? I think that's the point. When I worry about something that isn't true, I steal from today. Last Friday, I couldn't enjoy the time I had with my kids because my mind continued to travel the road of "what if..."  Has anything changed since Friday? I haven't had any new scans, no new medical tests confirming that everything is fine. All I have is my doctor's comment that she wasn't concerned at this point. Plus, since Monday, the pain is better every day.  Those two things help to get my focus back where it should be.  I tend to dismiss things easily, so I believe I need to strike a balance between caution and worry. It think it's found somewhere between focusing on every new symptom and fully trusting God to reveal to me what is important. I know that cancer can spread despite the best treatments. I just don't think I should be thinking about that right now. It's not my story that God is writing. Not today. Hopefully not tomorrow. But, definitely not today!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8

A Few Excerpts From My Reading Today

I read this today:

"Anecdotally, cancer patients frequently end up with back and hip pain post-chemo and naturally, they always think it's mets (metastasis).  But, it's usually post-treatment pain.  It does go away but it can take quite a while." Excerpt from the blog, Breast Cancer? But Doctor I Hate Pink.

Good thing for me to know. 

I read this also today:

"Come to me when you are hurting. Voice your trust in Me, and seek to become aware of My Love all around you. Breathe in the Peace of My Presence: Peace that transcends understanding. Take time. Take time with Me." Jesus Today by Sarah Young

And one other thing:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, with transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

Heard From My Doctor

My doctor doesn't see the need to jump into scans or panic at this point. She is recommending Aleve or Motrin plus ice until I see her next week. I wasn't able to talk with her directly, but I believe in her thoroughness.  I checked with Walt to make sure he didn't have a catch in his spirit to push for a scan. He said he doesn't believe it is as serious as I let my mind go to. He also wonders if it might be our mattress, since my pain came back when I got back home....He has a good point there. Yesterday I also heard from several people who had experience with this sort of thing and laid out other possibilities that it could be (my body adjusting to my weight loss, side effect of radiation, osteoporosis from menopause ...)

Last night I slept through the night for the first time since Thursday, buoyed by hope and prayers. Do you know what the opposite of hope is? I think it's fear. Fear sat up with me through the night and described all the bad things the pain could be. God has over 100 verses in the bible to not fear, not be afraid, not worry. I knew that in my head, but it was hard to separate that from the fear I felt about prematurely leaving my kids behind. Yet, I'm thankful that I went through the experience. I again drank from the deep well of God's mercy. I shed more tears than I should have, but I know he captured each teardrop in His hand. I also benefited from the prayers of so many. I know I am not out of the woods at this point. I still have pain. I still have the history of cancer in my life and the possibility that it may come back. Probably not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But, all I should focus on is today. Today, right now, my peace comes from God. I have hope in Him. Today. This moment. Breathe deep and enjoy today.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
 1 Thesalonians 5: 16-18

My Back

On Thursday night, I realized that all the TLC I was giving my back wasn't making a difference. In fact, I started to wonder if it wasn't feeling a little worse. Earlier that day, I picked up my holds from the library. In the stack was a book called, Nordis at Noon: the Personal Story of Four Women Too Young for Breast Cancer. I can't remember when I put this book on hold, but I started to browse through it. It was during the reading about recurrence that one of the ladies described the back pain she felt prior to learning her cancer had spread. Now, I have no way of knowing if that's the same pain I feel, but I understand now why my oncologist didn't disregard my comments about my back pain when I saw her a month ago. At that time, we talked about taking care of my back with heat, ice, and ibuprofen to see if it responds. If it did, then it's just a back ache. Before leaving for Florida, most of my back pain had gone away. I still felt little twinges, but the more I moved, the better it felt. I spent long hours on airplanes and cars, enjoyed wild rides and lots of walking. Soaking in my sister-in-law's hot tub made my back, which was feeling only a bit stiff and sore at times, much better. I came home, pretty much forgetting I had any pain. The first thing I did, after unloading all the suitcases, was take Sugar for a walk. She was especially energetic, and I came home with a very sore back. I told Walt that I wasn't going to walk Sugar again until my back was completely healed. I felt confident, though, that the pain came from tweaking it again.

Later that week when I went in for Herceptin, I chose to not tell the nurse about my back pain. It wasn't a doctor's visit, and I didn't want her to be alerted that my back still hurt without explaining to her that I had tweaked it only a few days before. I planned on making sure I didn't do anything to make it worse, and I would frequently apply heat and ice to it. So, after getting out of the bath on Thursday night and realizing that my back was just as sore as when I got in, I started wondering if it was something more serious than a strain. It's hard to believe, this soon after completing chemo and while still receiving Herceptin, that I would have cancer come back. But that night, as I tossed and turned, I realized that no matter what, I needed to call my oncologist and discuss it with her. In the morning I shared my concerns with Walt, and we spent time praying about everything before he left for work.

Friday morning, I kept going back and forth about whether my back felt better or not. Finally, shortly after the office opened, I called and left a message for Dr. Kohn's nurse. All day I waited for a return call, but none came. Was she even in the office? Did she have the results of my tumor markers from my blood test and think it wasn't something we needed to act on right away? I have no idea why she or her nurse didn't at least follow up on my call. It is not like them at all. I am left with the weekend to continue to pray and wonder. I'm pretty sure my next week will be filled with at least one scan. I can only hope that it will give me peace of mind that my pain is, in fact, from a simple muscle strain, and nothing more. If it has spread to a bone then we are dealing with an especially aggressive cancer that didn't respond to chemo. I don't even want to Google what types of things I will find there, but even without that information, I know it would be serious. So, because God is sovereign and loves me more than I can even fathom, I will trust in Him.

Isaiah 26:3-4 

You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Trust in the Lord always,
for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.