My Back

On Thursday night, I realized that all the TLC I was giving my back wasn't making a difference. In fact, I started to wonder if it wasn't feeling a little worse. Earlier that day, I picked up my holds from the library. In the stack was a book called, Nordis at Noon: the Personal Story of Four Women Too Young for Breast Cancer. I can't remember when I put this book on hold, but I started to browse through it. It was during the reading about recurrence that one of the ladies described the back pain she felt prior to learning her cancer had spread. Now, I have no way of knowing if that's the same pain I feel, but I understand now why my oncologist didn't disregard my comments about my back pain when I saw her a month ago. At that time, we talked about taking care of my back with heat, ice, and ibuprofen to see if it responds. If it did, then it's just a back ache. Before leaving for Florida, most of my back pain had gone away. I still felt little twinges, but the more I moved, the better it felt. I spent long hours on airplanes and cars, enjoyed wild rides and lots of walking. Soaking in my sister-in-law's hot tub made my back, which was feeling only a bit stiff and sore at times, much better. I came home, pretty much forgetting I had any pain. The first thing I did, after unloading all the suitcases, was take Sugar for a walk. She was especially energetic, and I came home with a very sore back. I told Walt that I wasn't going to walk Sugar again until my back was completely healed. I felt confident, though, that the pain came from tweaking it again.

Later that week when I went in for Herceptin, I chose to not tell the nurse about my back pain. It wasn't a doctor's visit, and I didn't want her to be alerted that my back still hurt without explaining to her that I had tweaked it only a few days before. I planned on making sure I didn't do anything to make it worse, and I would frequently apply heat and ice to it. So, after getting out of the bath on Thursday night and realizing that my back was just as sore as when I got in, I started wondering if it was something more serious than a strain. It's hard to believe, this soon after completing chemo and while still receiving Herceptin, that I would have cancer come back. But that night, as I tossed and turned, I realized that no matter what, I needed to call my oncologist and discuss it with her. In the morning I shared my concerns with Walt, and we spent time praying about everything before he left for work.

Friday morning, I kept going back and forth about whether my back felt better or not. Finally, shortly after the office opened, I called and left a message for Dr. Kohn's nurse. All day I waited for a return call, but none came. Was she even in the office? Did she have the results of my tumor markers from my blood test and think it wasn't something we needed to act on right away? I have no idea why she or her nurse didn't at least follow up on my call. It is not like them at all. I am left with the weekend to continue to pray and wonder. I'm pretty sure my next week will be filled with at least one scan. I can only hope that it will give me peace of mind that my pain is, in fact, from a simple muscle strain, and nothing more. If it has spread to a bone then we are dealing with an especially aggressive cancer that didn't respond to chemo. I don't even want to Google what types of things I will find there, but even without that information, I know it would be serious. So, because God is sovereign and loves me more than I can even fathom, I will trust in Him.

Isaiah 26:3-4 

You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Trust in the Lord always,
for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.