Still Cancer Free

As I was driving into the hospital this morning, I listened to Rend Collective's

 The Art of Celebration cd.

One verse resonated with me: It's only in surrender that I'm truly free...

As much as I didn't want to go into the doctor's office to find out what my blood test results were, I knew I needed to. Last night I was a bit cranky, sad that the long weekend with my family at home was drawing to a close, a bit anxious about this appointment. This morning, however, I woke up with a tremendous peace. I know it could only be from God. People were praying that I wouldn't be anxious. People were praying that all my tests would be clear.  God's grace met me as the sun came up today, and I worshipped as I drove in, singing, "It's only in surrender that I'm truly free." I surrendered my fears and anxiety to God as I crossed the parking lot and climbed the stairs. I was calm as I checked "no new symptoms" on my intake paperwork. As I waited for Dr. Kohn to come into the examining room, I simply read from my Kindle. Then Dr. Kohn appeared, systematically checking off her list: my blood work all is normal, white and red blood counts normal, tumor markers normal, liver function normal. I took a moment to silently thank God. We discussed whether I was going to stick with tamoxifen or try another version of the aromatase inhibitor (after my bout of hives from arimidex last fall). Weighing the benefits with the risks, I decided not to rock the boat at this point and stick with tamoxifen since I seem to tolerate it well. Besides the hives, I remember the pronounced achiness in my joints and stronger hot flashes with Arimidex. Dr. Kohn clarified that the increase in survival percentage of an AI is like one, not 40% or even 20%.  So, it's Tamoxifen for now. And that was that. I have an appointment for a followup MRI and labs on June 12 (which is also the kids last day of school!). 

On my way home, I celebrated by buying a cappuccino with coconut milk. Starbucks just started offering this non-dairy option, which I was eager to try. It was a nice alternative to milk, foamy and slightly sweet. When I ordered it, the barista warned me that she hadn't been trained on foaming it. I've looked cancer in the eye and lived to tell about it... I think I can handle an untrained barista foaming coconut milk.

Nathan, (Ben hiding behind), Walt and Becca on the trail

Then I rolled into the rest of my day, as if my appointment didn't happen. How different it would be if I was presented with concerns or worrisome results. Thank you, Jesus!

Yesterday the family went on a hike in Snohomish. Although the parking lot was full, the trails were pleasantly uncrowded--a bit muddy--but overall a fun hike. Who would have thought for February?

Today my job is to enjoy the moments of this beautiful day. I am back from a nice walk with a good friend. I plan on doing a science experiment with Ben soon.The sun is blissfully shining and I'm still cancer free.

Four Months Already?

Today I had a morning appointment for a blood draw. I prayed before and during the procedure that there would be only healthy, happy cells floating around. When the technician was filling up the tubes (I think there were four or five of them) I turned my head, as always. Red blood being drawn from my veins is not something I care to witness. If I could see inside the blood and know what was going on, I might glance a peak. Since only God knows right now, I'll focus on His Face and trust.

Other than an achy tooth from biting on a pretzel a bit too hard, I am feeling amazingly well. Even something which I hope is just a bit of nerve irritation that will calm down in a day or so can lead my brain to what ifs during these days of medical tests and appointments after a four-month hiatus from all of this. What if it's not an ache in the tooth but an ache stemming from the brain where a tumor might be growing? Yup, even the most calm, level-headed person can quickly jump on that bandwagon, because she has had a cancer diagnosis before. For four wonderful months, I've tried to hold thoughts of cancer at bay. It's been four months of focusing on the day, of spending time with family and friends, savoring well-written books, nibbling on fresh fruit and homemade granola, even fitting in a bit of tennis and golf in the midst of my usual walking routine. It has been four splendid months of living life in the moment.

Now, I'm scheduled for a followup appointment with Dr. Kohn on Tuesday, my blood is available for analysis, and I'm back home writing and baking homemade granola. It seems like the serious is mixed with the normal today. Medical tests with daily life. In reality, whether I am preparing a meal for my family or relaxing with a good book and a cup of tea, whether I'm enjoying the unseasonably warm weather on a walk through our neighborhood, no matter what my day brings today, I'm living a serious choice. I'm choosing to trust, to rely on the God who loves me, who knows my future, who knows what words I'm going to hear in my appointment on Tuesday and has already gone before me. I'm living my faith daily, knowing God is good and can be trusted. No matter what. No matter how good or how hard. So, despite my reluctance to re-enter this world of doctor's offices, I am remembering to lean on God today.

What's your hard today? Are you being drawn to trust God in a new way? Are you choosing the serious work of faith in the midst of your normal today? If so, then make it a meaningful day.

Weekend Redo?

Running water is an amazing thing. Breathtaking. Welcomed. Useful. Refreshing. I could pretty much use any other positive adjective in describing how highly I think about water today. As I washed my hands before cooking breakfast, I remembered the day--well, Saturday, to be exact--when we didn't have water.  I was forced to use bottled water to rinse my contacts, wet down my hair, wash my hands, and, well, all the other things  you need water for. Our almost-camping-but-with-electricity-and-soft-bedding wasn't planned. In fact, we had lots of other options to consider on Saturday morning while the kids were enjoying themselves at Great Wolf Lodge for their youth retreat. Should we go biking? Golfing? Maybe take in a movie after a long walk? All the possibilities came crashing down when Walt muttered those infamous words, "We have trouble in paradise."

Trouble came in the form of a busted water heater, water pouring out into the garage, knobs that wouldn't shut down the way they were supposed to, and difficulty finding a plumber available last minute on a Saturday. After several calls, Walt was able to find one who could come out in the afternoon. I snuck in a walk with Sugar, and Walt took a trip to the driving range, but all our grand adventures we imagined for the day together dissolved in the water pooling up on the concrete floor as we waited for the plumber.

Because he couldn't turn off the water to the broken heater, Walt was forced to turn off the main water line, and we no longer had water anyplace inside the house. A spontaneous and necessary cleaning of the garage floor sparked a few more organizational projects around the house as we continued to wait. Mid-afternoon turned into late afternoon. Finally, as I took Sugar for her early-evening walk, I saw the plumbing truck turn up our street. Returning, I discovered a hose connected to the tank with water stream down the driveway. Turns out that Walt slowed down the water going to the tank, but not completely. Once the old tank was carried away, and the new tank installed, I expected to hear the rush of water coming from the shower when Walt turned the knob. Nothing. Only a trickle from the sink. Seems like trouble decided to stick around for another day.

The valve, which was made mostly of plastic, busted closed when Walt turned it off. The plumber said he had seen that happen so many times in these "newer" houses. His recommendation would be to get a new valve and reroute the pipe and other plumbing technicalities that I failed to catch. All I knew was we would be without water for the rest of the day, and to have  him return tomorrow, the Sunday surcharge would add to our already expensive weekend. Should we wait until Monday for water, with the kids returning and needing showers for school the next day? After a bit of discussion, the choice was obvious--we needed water. Well, okay, it is arguably correct that we didn't "need" water with neighbors willing to open their showers to us, but it felt close enough to a need for us to justify the extra cost. 

On Sunday, Walt stayed home to greet the plumber, and I headed to church. The kids were expected to arrive at the church around 12:30, so I agreed to catch a quick bite to eat with our neighbors. Caught up in our conversations, I failed to notice the texts and calls from Becca. Where are you? Are you coming? MOM! We are going home with the Sanders. Oops, failed at my parenting duty, too. They arrived early, I didn't respond to texts, Becca was tired and feeling overloaded with her school work awaiting her, that well, let's just say I'm thankful they were able to catch a ride and not have to wait the 10 extra minutes or anything.

When I finally got home, the house was quiet. No plumbing truck sat in the driveway. A shiny new tank anchored into the wall. I turned the faucet in the bathroom and witnessed the outpouring of the most fabulously beautiful clear fluid I have seen in a long time. Water! Not to be overlooked, or unappreciated no longer! Until the next thing I take for granted breaks, of course (hope you aren't listening washing machine, refrigerator, stove, car...) 

Our Sunday was redeemed! Our pocket book lighter, but we had the Super Bowl to look forward to. Friends! Food! Cheering our beloved Seahawks! Little did I know that trouble was lurking in the end zone, with seconds left to play in what could have, should have been, imagined to be the Seahawks great comeback win! Oh, Malcolm Butler, were did you come from? My Wisconsin family and friends can empathize with our loss, knowing all too well when their Packers saw victory snatched from their grasp. They probably empathized, but I'm sure not many were hoping for a Seahawks win. I understand. I probably couldn't have rooted for the Packers, either, if the tables were turned. With much disappointment and unanswered questions about the last play call, we packed up and headed home. To a home with running water, heat, food... It'll all be good... after a few days or weeks, or maybe in April when the Mariners start their season

I will say, though, as my eyes popped open early this morning, I couldn't help but wonder if it all was a dream, and perhaps we'd have a chance at a redo of the weekend.