Yesterday was a banner day for our family. I went back in for a mammogram and everything looks stable. I'll go back in six months to monitor things, but for now, I'm praising God for a chance to celebrate another day of good health. Walt also landed a huge client this week, so last night we went out to dinner to celebrate God's blessings on our family. Last year, between my cancer and his job, it was a rough year for both of us. It's so nice to have some breathing room in our lives.
I just finished reading A Book of Days by James Rubert. While the book was so-so, the premise was interesting. If you could access a book that would tell you the future, would you want to know? I wouldn't. I look back at my journal from the early days of 2012 and am thankful that I had no idea thehealth challenge that was lurking around the corner. Instead, I enjoyed my days loving my family, teaching the kids, celebrating the boys' birthdays, getting ready for another season of Little League baseball, and driving Becca to all her activities. When I found out on April 20th that we were undergoing a divine interruption, I'm thankful that God provided exactly what we needed each moment of every day for the rest of the year and beyond. Taking one step at a time, focusing on the moment, praying about everything was how we navigated 2012. If I knew on January 1 what our year ahead would offer, I would have wasted all the moments before worrying about what was ahead.
As I am basking in the peace of my clear mammogram, I know that with cancer, I can never be sure that there won't be a test down the road that will come back with scary news. There could also be decades of clean health. I don't know what the future holds. I do know Who holds my future. I'm thankful that God has a book of days that He records every moment--past, present and future. He knows what my days ahead will be like. He promises He will provide the strength to walk each step with Him. Right now, and tomorrow, and as long as I can, I am breathing deeply in the knowledge that God's plan for me and our family is good.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
In Quietness and Trust is Your Strength
I read Isaiah 30:15 this morning. The full text reads as follows:
I have been battling a war on my thoughts. April will probably always bring up these memories. My back has been achy again...mostly if I stand or sit too long... I'm back to icing and ibuprofen so that it goes away 100%. In my head, I know I've had a stressful couple of weeks, between a snowstorm in Denver, coming back from spring break to a ton of school and the stress that means for all of us as we try to finish out this year with excellence, lots of running around to scouts and baseball and other activities...sitting outside in the cold, shivering, watching my boys play baseball... I know in my head this is still that muscle that wasn't fully healed when my stress settled back again. In my head, I want to disregard any pain that I am feeling. Yet, my mind wanders to the "...what if it's something more?" So, in repentance of my fear, I turn to God. In rest (and exercise...isn't that the best relief from stress?), I turn to God. In quietness, blocking out the voices of the world and my own mind, I turn to God. In trust, I turn to God. God is my salvation and strength. Nothing else. I don't want to be like the Israelites and be told...."but you would have none of it." I want it!
On to good news, a friend of mine who was called back for a second mammogram received positive news yesterday. She is going to biopsy one little cyst, just to make sure, but it looks very good. I am rejoicing that God spared her this journey! I'm thankful that she is being diligent,despite the fear of finding out something bad, to be screened. Had I been more diligent from the very beginning, I might have caught mine earlier. Yet, I can also be thankful that I caught mine before it spread to the lymph nodes. That definitely makes my prognosis better. While we all need to do our parts to stay on schedule with our screenings, we also have to remember that God is in control. In quietness and trust is our strength...
This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it."
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it."
How often am I guilty of rushing through my day, worrying about things out of my control, completing to-do lists that may not be what God would want? Today I am reminded to slow down, to rest in Jesus, to listen to God in quiet, to trust in Him, not myself, not my circumstances, not the world.
I have been battling a war on my thoughts. April will probably always bring up these memories. My back has been achy again...mostly if I stand or sit too long... I'm back to icing and ibuprofen so that it goes away 100%. In my head, I know I've had a stressful couple of weeks, between a snowstorm in Denver, coming back from spring break to a ton of school and the stress that means for all of us as we try to finish out this year with excellence, lots of running around to scouts and baseball and other activities...sitting outside in the cold, shivering, watching my boys play baseball... I know in my head this is still that muscle that wasn't fully healed when my stress settled back again. In my head, I want to disregard any pain that I am feeling. Yet, my mind wanders to the "...what if it's something more?" So, in repentance of my fear, I turn to God. In rest (and exercise...isn't that the best relief from stress?), I turn to God. In quietness, blocking out the voices of the world and my own mind, I turn to God. In trust, I turn to God. God is my salvation and strength. Nothing else. I don't want to be like the Israelites and be told...."but you would have none of it." I want it!
On to good news, a friend of mine who was called back for a second mammogram received positive news yesterday. She is going to biopsy one little cyst, just to make sure, but it looks very good. I am rejoicing that God spared her this journey! I'm thankful that she is being diligent,despite the fear of finding out something bad, to be screened. Had I been more diligent from the very beginning, I might have caught mine earlier. Yet, I can also be thankful that I caught mine before it spread to the lymph nodes. That definitely makes my prognosis better. While we all need to do our parts to stay on schedule with our screenings, we also have to remember that God is in control. In quietness and trust is our strength...
Saturday, April 20, 2013
One Year Ago This Race Began
On this date a year ago, I received the phone call that confirmed my breast cancer and set us on this crazy journey. I remember hearing the doctor's words and trying not to think as I focused on what he was saying. Then I called Walt. I went out onto the front porch to tell him out of earshot of the kids. It was harder for me to tell him I had cancer than to hear it myself. I knew he would be upset and I hated to be the source of those feelings. I then sent out an email to my friends and family, unable to speak anymore. I remember my friends coming over to pray and support me. My email inbox overflowed with encouragement and love. The nurse soon called with specific details about my cancer (I was able to write it down this time) and a list of appointments for the next week. I still remember her encouraging me to relax and try to do something fun during the weekend because they were going to keep me busy the following week. A MRI, biopsies and pathology reports followed, but we were thankful that no more cancer was found. So many appointments with doctors ensued. Lots of decisions to be made. In some ways, this year has flown by. These memories are as vivid as if it were last week. In other ways, we've climbed so many giant mountains, staggered through deep valleys, cried so many tears that this year seemed to last a lifetime. Through it all, we held tight to the hand of God, and He was faithful and merciful and loving. I don't know what this upcoming year has in store, but we know that God will be there. It is the one blessed certainty in our journey.
This morning we found out that a mom with two sons in Nathan's Scout Troop died this morning. I've been in tears as I think of her precious children, similar ages to mine. I remember talking with her husband last spring about her breast cancer which spread to her brain. That was when I discovered for the first time that her cancer started in her breast because I only knew her after it was in her brain. She was on chemo for over four years. She lived her life with grace and determination.She had a strong faith in Jesus and is now with Him. She will be greatly missed here, though. Her husband, in an email to the troop, requested, in lieu of flowers, for us to use the money making a memory with our children. What a bittersweet reminder of how fleeting life can be and what is truly important.
When my life starts feeling a bit emotional, as it has been lately, I return to the source of all hope and comfort, Jesus. In Jesus Today, Sarah Young writes: "Put your hope in Me (Jesus) and My Unfailing Love will rest upon you... No matter what is happening in your life today, my story has an amazingly happy ending. My finished work on the cross secured this heavenly hope for you, and it is absolutely assured. Moreover, knowing that your story finishes well can fill your present journey with Joy."
Off to finish off this day, filled with Joy, not because of my circumstances but because of Who is in control of them!
.
This morning we found out that a mom with two sons in Nathan's Scout Troop died this morning. I've been in tears as I think of her precious children, similar ages to mine. I remember talking with her husband last spring about her breast cancer which spread to her brain. That was when I discovered for the first time that her cancer started in her breast because I only knew her after it was in her brain. She was on chemo for over four years. She lived her life with grace and determination.She had a strong faith in Jesus and is now with Him. She will be greatly missed here, though. Her husband, in an email to the troop, requested, in lieu of flowers, for us to use the money making a memory with our children. What a bittersweet reminder of how fleeting life can be and what is truly important.
When my life starts feeling a bit emotional, as it has been lately, I return to the source of all hope and comfort, Jesus. In Jesus Today, Sarah Young writes: "Put your hope in Me (Jesus) and My Unfailing Love will rest upon you... No matter what is happening in your life today, my story has an amazingly happy ending. My finished work on the cross secured this heavenly hope for you, and it is absolutely assured. Moreover, knowing that your story finishes well can fill your present journey with Joy."
Off to finish off this day, filled with Joy, not because of my circumstances but because of Who is in control of them!
.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Last Day of Spring Break (sort of)
After being stuck in a blizzard trying to fly out of Colorado, this downpour of rain isn't so bad. Nathan had his practice cancelled, so I had some extra time to put food in the crockpot, clean the kitchen and work on my bible study. I have to prep for the high school lit class I am teaching next week, but, like the kids, it's been hard to get motivated. I've been pretty tired since getting back from our trip, so I guess it's okay for me to use this extra time to recover. The kids and I will probably regret the lack of work that was accomplished in the past couple of days...or not. Sometimes a time of refreshment away from the workload provides just the energy needed to be more productive when we do jump back in. We all hope so!
I ran into my friend Lori at Costco today. She was diagnosed with breast cancer over four years ago. We've been in contact since my diagnosis, but this is the first time I've seen her. It was the second time I've run into her at Costco. I complemented her on her beautiful, shoulder length hair. She smiled and said she's proof hair grows back. I told her I'm enjoying that, too, and am very glad it's not growing back in the tight corkscrew curls she described with her hair. We talked about the importance of living in the today, especially the further away from treatment we get, but it's a good lesson to learn for everyone.
I certainly enjoyed spending time with my family on our trip. I told Becca that even though it was a tiring trip, and we had to battle the weather and long shuttle drives, it was so worth investing in the people in our lives. She was thankful to spend time with her grandpa, aunts, uncle, cousins, and second cousins. Of course, she was a bit overwhelmed when she saw all the extended family converge on our condo the first night. With my Aunt Enie's gift of playing games and a horseback ride to connect with the girls she didn't know, Becca was soon fitting right in. She was sad to see everyone leave for the airport as our time together came to an end. One nice blessing of having our early morning plane cancelled was we were able to get on the same plane in the afternoon with Nicole. We were the last three to leave the hotel and then the airport. We had time to connect with my dad and help him get to the right gate that had changed after he checked in. We helped him navigate the way Southwest organizes passengers for boarding and received one final hug from him before he left for Arizona. Since that was also our gate for our flight an ninety minutes later, we were able to enjoy a leisurely lunch and play one of the card games Aunt Enie taught Becca. Nicole, who had an earlier boarding position than we had, was able to save two seats in her row for us. Such a blessing to have a smooth trip home after the chaos of the day before. It was a great trip, and I am thankful for all the great talks, hugs, memories, songs and laughs we shared during those four days in Colorado.
I ran into my friend Lori at Costco today. She was diagnosed with breast cancer over four years ago. We've been in contact since my diagnosis, but this is the first time I've seen her. It was the second time I've run into her at Costco. I complemented her on her beautiful, shoulder length hair. She smiled and said she's proof hair grows back. I told her I'm enjoying that, too, and am very glad it's not growing back in the tight corkscrew curls she described with her hair. We talked about the importance of living in the today, especially the further away from treatment we get, but it's a good lesson to learn for everyone.
I certainly enjoyed spending time with my family on our trip. I told Becca that even though it was a tiring trip, and we had to battle the weather and long shuttle drives, it was so worth investing in the people in our lives. She was thankful to spend time with her grandpa, aunts, uncle, cousins, and second cousins. Of course, she was a bit overwhelmed when she saw all the extended family converge on our condo the first night. With my Aunt Enie's gift of playing games and a horseback ride to connect with the girls she didn't know, Becca was soon fitting right in. She was sad to see everyone leave for the airport as our time together came to an end. One nice blessing of having our early morning plane cancelled was we were able to get on the same plane in the afternoon with Nicole. We were the last three to leave the hotel and then the airport. We had time to connect with my dad and help him get to the right gate that had changed after he checked in. We helped him navigate the way Southwest organizes passengers for boarding and received one final hug from him before he left for Arizona. Since that was also our gate for our flight an ninety minutes later, we were able to enjoy a leisurely lunch and play one of the card games Aunt Enie taught Becca. Nicole, who had an earlier boarding position than we had, was able to save two seats in her row for us. Such a blessing to have a smooth trip home after the chaos of the day before. It was a great trip, and I am thankful for all the great talks, hugs, memories, songs and laughs we shared during those four days in Colorado.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Posting from Colorado
I had intended to blog about the fun Easter we had, but now it's almost a week later and I have too many other things to say. One thing I wanted to mention is that when Jesus came back and showed Himself to the disciples, the first thing He said was, "Peace be with you." I know, too, that when my eyes are on Him and His word and I'm not overspending my time and energy on cancer blogs and websites, I, too, experience His peace. It's a great reminder as I continue this journey of surviving cancer.
Today I'm in Fort Collins, Colorado. I have been having a great time reconnecting with my extended family, taking long walks and seeing the sun. This morning my sister Patty, my dad and I took a leisurely stroll to the grocery store. Then I took a quicker trip down around Colorado State University and a bit of Old Towne. Then Patty and I walked to New Belgium Brewery where my brother, John, works. My aunt Enie, dad, and some other family met us there, and John gave us a fun tour. After eating a delicious spinach salad for lunch, I took another walk to see if I could find a book light. Even though I was unsuccessful in my shopping, I cannot ask for nicer scenery or weather. On one of my walks, I even got to chat with Walt back home via phone. Becca went with the rest of our family to take a horseback ride in Estes Park. They stopped at a few shops and had lunch on the way home and haven't gotten back yet. I'm eager to hear how her day went.
On the Thursday before I left for Colorado, I thought I had a 9 a.m. appointment for Herceptin. After battling traffic and rushing for my appointment, I got there only to discover that my appointment was switched to noon, and I needed to see the doctor, too. After a bit further investigation, I discovered the mis-communication happened when I wasn't aware that Dr. Kohn wanted to check in with me after my Echo and I should have picked up a revised schedule the last time I was in the hospital. So, I had to rearrange my day to get kids to their lit co-op and a backup plan for Becca's horseback lesson in case I couldn't make it back in time. I went home for a few hours to help the kids with school and get a few things done and returned for my second trip to the hospital.
Dr. Kohn explained that the result of my echo wasn't worrisome. My baseline echo showed an ejection fraction of 60-65. My previous echo saw a drop to 55. This recent echo had a range of 55-60. She thinks it's probably a normal range of my heart, especially since I haven't experienced any other side effects of heart problems. So, that should be the final echo I'll need to undergo. My next Herceptin is April 26, which I'll do along with my mammogram. Then I have one Herceptin and doctor visit in May, and my last Herceptin and doctor visit is on June 7th! That date is one week prior to the year anniversary of my first chemo treatment. After my mammogram hopefully comes out clear, and I have nothing else worrisome, I will be asking Dr. Kohn when I can get my port removed. For the most part, the port hasn't been a problem, but it does prevent me from swinging a golf cub or tennis racket. I look forward to doing both of those sports again.
Becca and the gang just got back from Estes Park. She had a fun time on a chestnut and white horse named Lakota. Her aunt Sue bought her a new Estes Park sweatshirt. She's looking tired but happy. Everyone filled the room with stories of their horses and which ones wanted to eat or was too slow or was just perfect. I'm running out of battery right now, so I'm going to wrap up this latest report. My cousin Kevin is sitting on the couch with me, and my other cousin Joe came in to watch the last half of the Wichita State Louisville basketball game. I think I'll be social now and help with dinner prep.
Today I'm in Fort Collins, Colorado. I have been having a great time reconnecting with my extended family, taking long walks and seeing the sun. This morning my sister Patty, my dad and I took a leisurely stroll to the grocery store. Then I took a quicker trip down around Colorado State University and a bit of Old Towne. Then Patty and I walked to New Belgium Brewery where my brother, John, works. My aunt Enie, dad, and some other family met us there, and John gave us a fun tour. After eating a delicious spinach salad for lunch, I took another walk to see if I could find a book light. Even though I was unsuccessful in my shopping, I cannot ask for nicer scenery or weather. On one of my walks, I even got to chat with Walt back home via phone. Becca went with the rest of our family to take a horseback ride in Estes Park. They stopped at a few shops and had lunch on the way home and haven't gotten back yet. I'm eager to hear how her day went.
On the Thursday before I left for Colorado, I thought I had a 9 a.m. appointment for Herceptin. After battling traffic and rushing for my appointment, I got there only to discover that my appointment was switched to noon, and I needed to see the doctor, too. After a bit further investigation, I discovered the mis-communication happened when I wasn't aware that Dr. Kohn wanted to check in with me after my Echo and I should have picked up a revised schedule the last time I was in the hospital. So, I had to rearrange my day to get kids to their lit co-op and a backup plan for Becca's horseback lesson in case I couldn't make it back in time. I went home for a few hours to help the kids with school and get a few things done and returned for my second trip to the hospital.
Dr. Kohn explained that the result of my echo wasn't worrisome. My baseline echo showed an ejection fraction of 60-65. My previous echo saw a drop to 55. This recent echo had a range of 55-60. She thinks it's probably a normal range of my heart, especially since I haven't experienced any other side effects of heart problems. So, that should be the final echo I'll need to undergo. My next Herceptin is April 26, which I'll do along with my mammogram. Then I have one Herceptin and doctor visit in May, and my last Herceptin and doctor visit is on June 7th! That date is one week prior to the year anniversary of my first chemo treatment. After my mammogram hopefully comes out clear, and I have nothing else worrisome, I will be asking Dr. Kohn when I can get my port removed. For the most part, the port hasn't been a problem, but it does prevent me from swinging a golf cub or tennis racket. I look forward to doing both of those sports again.
Becca and the gang just got back from Estes Park. She had a fun time on a chestnut and white horse named Lakota. Her aunt Sue bought her a new Estes Park sweatshirt. She's looking tired but happy. Everyone filled the room with stories of their horses and which ones wanted to eat or was too slow or was just perfect. I'm running out of battery right now, so I'm going to wrap up this latest report. My cousin Kevin is sitting on the couch with me, and my other cousin Joe came in to watch the last half of the Wichita State Louisville basketball game. I think I'll be social now and help with dinner prep.
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