Tuesday Thoughts

Yesterday was hard. I cried most of the way to the hospital to get my scheduled fluids. I didn't mince words when I said I was feeling terrible. No brave face. No smile. I'm tired of this. The side effects feel like they are accumulating so that I have less energy each time I go through treatment. The Zofran I take for nausea doesn't even make a dent. As I was hooked up to the IV fluids, I curled up in a ball and prayed. "Lord, is this worth it? Can I trust that this is what is bringing healing to me?" I plugged into my music and let praise songs wash over me. I couldn't worship, but I could receive.

As the fluids started hydrating my body, I felt a bit better. My blood pressure and pulse rose. I walked out with wobbly legs, so thankful for the strong presence of Walt next to me. I continued to weep off and on as we went home. I headed to bed as Walt and the kids started doing work around the house...vacuming, picking up floors, laundry. I buried my head in sleep.

When I woke up, I forced myself to get up. There is so much to do and think about this time of year. Ben's soccer. Nathan's Boy Scout meeting. Getting tickets for the fair. Becca's orthodonic appointment. School supplies. Trying to reschedule my echocardiogram. Even more activities for the next day to schedule... No  longer can I bury my head and come up when I feel better. Walt ran things yesterday, but I will need to do things today. A dear friend who I haven't seen in ages dropped off food for dinner. I longed to engage in a conversation, but she understood. I retreated to a bath early last night, needing to soothe my aching bones from the latest shot.

As I went to bed last night, I thought of God's words, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your way acknowledge, and He will make your path straight." I've written this verse before on this blog. It was the only thing that kept coming to me as I thought through my difficult day. I needed to trust God. My sleep was restful last night.

This morning, I woke feeling surprisingly well, for a Tuesday after treatment. Waffles. I felt like making waffles. So I did. Now, that's not usually a huge deal, but for me, any mention of food usually puts me over the edge. They didn't taste as good as I hoped, but at least I got food in me! Then I read my devotional for today, and it said, "The joy of the LORD is your strength!"

Of course in my last post, when I was feeling better and ready to face this ordeal, those words were the ones I wrote. Yes, I would choose joy, I claimed. You know what, even through my tears, and my fears and my struggles, I think I still chose joy yesterday. I chose God. When I couldn't do anything else, I let God minister to me. This morning, my tears are from pure joy because I know His hand was on me last night. He saw my pain. He gave me sleep and gave me energy beyond what I could have fathomed as I looked out onto my tasks for today. This is the path God has chosen for me, perioulous and hidden. I can't do it on my own. Each step needs to be walked with God. Even if I can't find the joy, I can choose God.