One Year Ago Today

On this day a year ago, I started this blog. One year ago today, I was recovering from my re-excision surgery. One year ago today, I was waiting on test results before proceeding onto chemo (hopefully) and not more surgery. A year ago, I was restless to start treatment, not because I was eager for chemo, but I was ready to begin the battle. Plus, the sooner it would start, the sooner it all would be over.

Today, a year later, I am waiting for a test result of a different kind. Had I known of this potential genetic link to my grandmother last year, I would have had this test done then. If I found out I was positive, I would have gone along a different, more difficult road of surgery prior to chemo. It would have meant a mastectomy but probably not radiation. A major surgery with a lot longer recovery time before chemo, but the end of my treatment wouldn't have included seven weeks of daily trips to the hospital, getting radiation that might be unnecessary.

Now, if I find out I'm positive for this faulty gene, I will have the additional surgeries, despite having gone the path of lumpectomy and radiation the first time. How do I feel about all this? I try not to dwell on it. It is what it is. I made my decision using the best information I had at the time. Like last year, my family is praying that the results are negative. Unlike last year, my siblings will be directly affected if the test comes out positive, as they would have a 50% chance of also having the faulty gene. My kids, too...

Yet, I also know that God has a plan. He has seen me through every step of this journey. When I am afraid, I will turn to Him. I will continue to:

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.  Psalm 118:1

When I focus on praising God, no matter what, my fear disappears. It is a lesson I've learned through this year. Each day God gives me just enough to handle whatever comes my way. God is in this moment, right where I need to be. Waiting, but waiting with God.