Hair Today...

I was going to say "Gone Tomorrow," except, it's gone today. Knowing I was going to lose my hair, I didn't have a game plan on how I was going to let it go. Some people schedule to have it shaved before it falls out. Others wait and let it fall out on its own. I didn't want to shave it early, so I thought I'd wait and see how I felt. Other than buying a scarf and a couple hats, I decide not to worry about it.

From what I've read and been told, I knew my hair would probably start falling out on day 14 after my first chemo treatment. That was last Thursday. Wednesday night I had a difficult time sleeping, wondering if I was going to wake up with a pool of hair on my pillow. Nothing happened in the morning, but by evening, a few strays were starting to come out. That night I decided to wear a hat to bed so I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning up the hair that might fall out. Not much fell out that night. My head started tingling more in the next couple of days with more coming out in my hand, but I put on a hat and decided to keep the hair as long as the bottom part of my head still looked good. Saturday night, the hair that came out filled half of a wastebasket in my bathroom. Even the bottom part of my hair was falling down into my shirt collar. I still looked okay with a hat, but my scalp was starting to hurt. I had difficulty finding a comfortable way to sleep.

Yesterday afternoon, with tears streaming down my face, I emailed my new friend Kris, the hairdresser, to see if she had any time to shave it off this week. With Wednesday being the 4th of July and my next treatment scheduled for Thursday, we had a window of Monday or Tuesday to see if our schedules matched. I prayed that God would direct the timing of getting it shaved. We both could do it today at 12:30 p.m.

Last night I went to bed, still not sure if I should or could go through with it. I asked God to give me peace and direction. My head was so sore that sleeping was hard last night. This morning, I started to see a bigger bald spot near my hairline. Anywhere I touched, I could grab a huge handful of hair, even though it was getting very thin by now. Plus hair was all over the floor, in my sink, on my clothes, falling into my eyes. I knew I had my clear answer from God.

I asked the boys if they wanted to join me, but they said they'd prefer staying home and playing the Wii. I think they were concerned I'd make them shave their heads, too. I actually think Kris would have talked them into it!

As I was driving across the Snohomish Valley to her house, I started crying. I asked God, "Why does this have to be so hard?"

Immediately I heard these words on the radio: "There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. There will be a day, when the burdens of this day will be no more. We'll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we'll hold onto You always..."

It is so like God to bring my eyes from the temporary to the eternal! And it gets better. In her end-of-the year voice concert, Becca sang a solo.  It was this exact Jeremy Camp song I heard on the radio! Here is the verse she sang:

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked  out all alone


Troubled soul, don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting


But I hold onto this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering. 

And then the song goes back to the chorus, "There will be a day with no more tears..."

I am blown away at how much God cares for me. I mean, it's hair. It'll grow back. But, He knew it was on my heart today, He felt my tears and how much I didn't want to do this, and He painted a picture of what my eyes can be focused on instead so it'll make it easier to let go of the weight of what I was trying to hold onto. I have to admit, I feel a huge burden has been lifted from me. I was struggling so hard with this decision, that now I feel free. Kris gave me a couple of hats to borrow, so I'm sporting a black, newsboy hat right now. I got home and the boys barely looked up from their game, except to show frustration about Ben's player dying. Becca called (she was at a friends) with a question, and I thought, so nice to be back to normal. My new normal. I know I'll be sick of hats as I'm quickly growing sick of thinking about cancer and treatments and side effects, but today I'm at peace. I think I cleared a big hurdle in this journey, and I have a better view of where my eyes should be.