Greater Grace

He gives greater grace. 

James 4:6

I was reviewing this week's Bible study for the group I lead tomorrow, and I was struck at the significance of God's grace and how it applies to me right now. Even though I had plans of cleaning and getting other things done this morning, I felt led to pick up my computer and blog so I can process what I learned. 

The biggest battle I face right now is a creeping fear that the cancer will recur. All cancer patients go through it. It is especially prevalent when the hard work of surviving treatment is over. Questions linger, and I find myself wondering about God. I know He had a purpose for cancer in my life, and I've grown in ways I never could have without it. But, I wonder, does He plan to use it again or have I learned enough? If I do my part with exercise and diet, can I trust God to keep cancer away? Do I trust His plans, or am I leaning on the medical doctors and treatment more?

These are normal questions, but from my study today, I realize how easy Satan can use these questions to keep my eyes from God. Or at the worst, to question God and resist His presence, afraid that what He is going to ask me to do is too hard. The scary part is that when I resist God's presence, I draw near to Satan. In the study, Beth Moore writes, "Satan doesn't have to convince you and me to do his will for our life. He only has to tempt us to demand our own."

Ouch. I am convicted that my plans, my desires, my goals are not as important as God's plans, which will result in my ultimate good. God's grace comes when I fully submit to Him. God has something bigger for me than my mind can wrap itself around, something that will matter long after I'm gone. My prayer is that another bout with cancer is not in His plans, and I will continue to pray for that in my life. What's important for me to remember, though, is my prayer must also submit to God's will in my life, wherever and whatever that means. 

From the study this week, I've learned these things about God: 

• God is holy and worthy and incapable of abusing His divine authority over me.
•  He knows exactly how to work terrible into good. 
• He loves me completely and unconditionally and will never let me go.
• He knows the well-deliberated plan for my life and how all things must fall into place for me to fulfill my destiny.  (James Mercy Triumphs, by Beth Moore)

When I submit to a loving God, who already knows everything and is only out for my ultimate good (whether I understand it or not), then God's grace will lighten my burden. In fact, the more I submit to God, the more grace He gives. I want to focus on the truths of God and not the shifting sand of circumstances. I want to draw nearer to God as I resist my own plans (which I am now more aware of Satan's influence on those). When the fear trickles back (as I know it will), I want to go back to this list of who God is. And submit to Him. Anything less is not worth the sacrifice, is it?
 

January 2nd ramblings

With apologies to my sisters, nephew and  anyone else with a January birthday, I have come to the conclusion that I really don't like January. Yesterday I started taking down all the Christmas decorations. Today my goal is to finish. I just took a break from taking ornaments down from the tree. With a cup of green tea and the sounds of laughing kids in the background (who are procrastinating reading their literature homework with extra sessions of Wii Fit PE), I decided to write out my feelings with the hopes of getting the new year back on track.

Why do I dislike January? While it means the beginning of a shiny new year, it also means the end of Christmas season. For me this year, December was cut in half because the fatigue of radiation sent me to bed earlier each night. Now that I have recovered a lot of my energy, I am amazed at how well I got on with so little of it. Now I am forcing myself to head to bed so my mornings don't start too late, as opposed to wondering how early is too early to go to bed. Starting around 5 p.m., I wasn't much use for conversation or decisions. Last night I started putting decorations away around 9 p.m. While I didn't last much longer than 10, at least I was able to get a couple boxes packed.

I also am not looking forward to our schedule ramping up again. I love the nativity scenes, the special outings, Walt being home more, the get togethers,  the Hallmark movies, the Christmas cards, the days with nothing pressing to do, the extra time thinking about Jesus. Today when I get my mail, it'll probably be bills and junk mail greeting me, instead of the smiling faces of friends and family so far away. I already miss the feeling of anticipation and togetherness during December. I sure enjoyed sleeping in.  I am not looking forward to the ordinariness of a regular routine. I know I should be happy that my daily trips to the hospital have ended. It's nice, but it's also sort of lost in the emptiness of my mantle and the darkness where Christmas lights used to be.

As I am putting away the ornaments today, a sense of melancholy has filled my spirit. It seemed too short of a time ago that we were putting up the tree. I remember sitting in a chair, too tired to fully help out, but watching the kids interact as they put up the ornaments. "Mom, why do you keep these?" Becca asked, holding up one of the handmade ornaments from days gone by. "When I get my own tree, I'm going to have everything color-coordinated."

The kids grew disinterested quickly, and I had every intention of finishing up the tree the next day or so. It never happened, but the tree still looked beautiful to me. We didn't read a book during advent this year, either, which of all the things we didn't do for Christmas, it's the one I missed the most. Our purple candles weren't lit once this year, mostly because I headed to bed shortly after dinner. Next year, when we sit around the advent candles and read a story together, I will remember the year we didn't do it, the reasons we didn't, and be thankful for the time together once more.

Today as I pulled a handmade Christmas tree off the tree, I noted the name and the year on the back. I smiled as I remembered the little hands that globbed the glue and too-much glitter on the tree. Those little hands have grown steady and strong now. Many ornaments were never unwrapped this year, and it's obvious the kids just took out whatever was on top and then decided that was enough. I realized most of the ornaments on the tree were handmade. They are the biggest and easiest to pull out, but perhaps, the kids secretly enjoyed having them on the tree, too. When I head downstairs in a few minutes to put away the final ornaments  I'll take another stroll down memory lane, remembering not only the past few days of this Christmas, but the many Christmases before.

It's funny how my melancholy has switch suddenly to a spirit of thankfulness. How good it is to be thankful for the many blessings, and how easily this simple act can lift your spirit. I truly am thankful that I was able to spend this Christmas with the people I love the most. I am thankful that the kids were able to help out so much when I didn't have the energy. Next year, when I pull out the ornaments again, I know I'll think of this Christmas, feeling thankful that I have more energy to help decorate the tree and house. I know each year will come the saddest day, the day I take it all down again, leading into the saddest month, the month when life returns to normal again. But maybe starting this year, I will try to carry with me a bit of the feelings, the thankfulness, the memories, and mostly God's love, which covers everything during Christmas like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer. This will help give my spirit a boost as I start this new year. As we all know, we never know what turns and bumps life has to offer, so it's best to take it one day at a time and enjoy it to the fullest.

Now, it's off to finish undecorating, wrapped in the blanket of God's love, to be enjoyed each day of this new year.