After filling out paperwork (much of it already completed because of computerized records), I was escorted back for my density scan. The scan was one of the easiest procedures I've ever had done, simply lying with my legs bent and then straight and feet turned in as the dual-energy x-ray absorptiometry(DXA) scanned my bones. Simple, fast, and easy.
Once that was finished, I went back out to the same waiting room until I was called for my mammogram. Donning the warm robe, I tried not to let emotions or worries overcome my thoughts. I prayed for God's peace, that He would go before me and be my help. As I flipped through a magazine, I wondered why I wasn't anxious. Oops, I prayed for God's peace. It's funny how often God gives me what I pray for, and I still question.
When the mammogram technician called my name, I realized that I didn't recognize her. I've been here so often, I thought I knew everyone who worked here. She was very thorough and kind, letting me know she would do her best to get excellent pictures the first time. She understood that I would still be sore on my surgical side, but that she would try to be as quick as possible. Because this was a diagnostic mammogram (all of mine from here on will probably be categorized likewise), she had to take several shots on the 3-D machine, then we'd move to another room for a few more shots on a different 3-D machine on only my left side. As we were finishing up the first round of pictures, she offered sweet words of encouragement, letting me know that she knew this was hard for me and that I was very brave. Of course, her kindness opened up the floodgates, and as I tried to hold my breath while compressed in the machine, I felt tears trickle down my cheek.
We then had a bit of a break as she cleaned the machine, and she pretended not noticing how much I was wiping my cheeks. Moving into the second room, she asked me about my kids. Good, a safe topic. Unfortunately, we got to talking about high school and how I was questioning the classes we placed Becca into, and that it's been a tough month so far, and of course, you guessed it, I struggled to fight back tears again. She mentioned that she also has a tenth grader, a son, and it's just a hard year. No matter what classes, it was going to be tough for her. The technician remembered high school being hard, but watching her child go through it seems harder. Yes, that's exactly what I have been feeling. I once heard parenthood described as deciding forever to have your heart walking outside your body. Up to this point I homeschooled all my kids, so this is the first time my hearts are walking without me as they journey through school.
Back to the mammogram, we finished up these last pictures fairly easily. I went back to the waiting room for the doctor to review the films. I also was scheduled for an ultrasound because Dr. Kohn wanted to check on some lumpiness on my right side, which she felt confidently was either a cyst or some fibrous tissue. As I waited, I texted my friends who all said they were praying. The waiting room was fairly empty, very little comings and goings. The magazines didn't hold my attention, but I wasn't nervous, either. I knew that the door would open up soon, and I would find out what the rest of my morning would include.
The tech called me back, escorted me to a small alcove to give me the news. I didn't even try to read her expression. She told me the doctor looked at all the pictures and said everything looked benign. I didn't have to come back for a year. I didn't question that, as I usually come back every six months. I rely on Dr. Kohn to let me know when I need to come back...and then I heard her say that the doctor said I wouldn't need an ultrasound. Nothing looked suspicious. I looked at her again. You mean I'm done? Yes, she nodded, you are all finished. Everything is benign. She said she was a hugger and gave me a big hug, as I let the tears flow again. Good thing the waiting room was empty as I didn't want anyone to think I got bad news. Before changing back into my clothes, I sat in the dressing room a few minutes, letting the tears flow. I know this is just one piece of my health, but that,at that moment, it was a tremendous relief to get good news. I even was sent home earlier than expected.
I return next Monday to get the results of my bone density scan and blood test. I'm still waiting on the results of my thyroid scan. Usually before a test or waiting on results, I don't sleep well. My family will admit to a bit of grouchiness on my part, too. While I have all this medical stuff going on, my head is also overloaded with all the schedules and pieces I'm trying to keep track of, most of which I need to let go. Today we drove up to the school early so we could be near the front of the line in order to pick up Becca and Nathan and make it to the kids' dentist appointments. The timing worked out perfectly, except, I got the date wrong. When I made this appointment, the dental secretary and I went back and forth, ... we could have Becca come back for her ortho another time...what about this date? No,we need to have a later time.. When it was done, I thought I knew what we agreed upon, but my calendar had different information than hers did. Frankly, I was so focused on surviving September along with my own medical appointments and concerns, that the dental appointments were low on my priority list. So on Sunday when I saw it listed for today, I planned out how we were going to get there on time. I remembered receiving a postcard of the appointments (didn't verify the date, but assumed it was the same one I had), didn't remember getting a reminder phone call, but maybe I forgot about that. I thought about calling today while we were at home, but the day flew by and we needed to go up to the school so we could be near the front or we would make it to Mill Creek in time. Ben remembered all the things he needed to bring in the car to finish, but I felt I needed to remind him. I could have used that time to call the dentist to check on whether we needed to be there today in the first place. It's not the first mess up I've had this fall, and unless I let go of things, it's not going to be the last.
Life has been very crazy, but I can't let it take over as it's been. I need to let go of things the kids are facing and entrust them to make the right decisions, to put in the hard work, to be accountable. I need to not worry about things that I can't change, like classes we chose last spring, my health, or the results of a test. I need to allow God to work through all things for His good. I need to remember this:
8 It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deut 8:31.
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